Heart Break

Hi all,

I haven't been here for a while, but right now I have no one else to talk to. I found out last night my girlfriend of 4 years has been cheating on me for a month now. There is no way I can explain the heart ache and pain I'm experiencing. No matter how hard I fight it, or try to tell myself it will be okay, I can't stop crying... I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I have to say that I really don't care about anything anymore.

I've been through break ups before, but not like this. If you knew the girl, you might understand, but I never thought in a million years that she would go behind my back and do this. I've been suspecting it, as all the tell tale signs were there, but even with my suspicions, I still... never... ever... thought she would do me this way. Four years is a long time, and she was all I knew.

She was the love of my life. She meant everything to me... I adored her. She was the best thing that ever came along in my life. She's been lying to my face for a month now... and I still can't believe it. If only I could show you or explain somehow what we had together, you wouldn't believe it either. I don't know what to do anymore. If ever I've felt total despair and mental anguish, it's now. One day I'm with the love of my life, talking about marriage and kids, and now its gone. And in the worst possible way... how could she cheat on me behind my back then come home and sleep in my bed with me knowing what she's done?

How could she sit there and lie to my face day in and day out for a month and live in my apartment with me.. share my bed, kiss my lips, and tell me she loves me? When I talked to her last night, she was so heartless and cold... she just didn't care what she'd done to me. I really don't understand it, and I'm tired of crying. I'm sorry to whine on and on about this, so I'll go now.

love to all,

Joseph

 

Joseph, I am so very sorry to hear how much pain and distress you are in right now. You may not be able to 'show' us the relationship to help us understand fully, but many of us have been there in some way, shape or form and we do understand the reality of the emotions you are going through and why. I wish I could take some of that pain from you, hug you...help alleviate some of the loneliness you are feeling. To bare your heart like you have done on this open forum takes a very strong man.......probably stronger than you realise at the moment, and I for one, admire you for it and feel honoured that you have shared. Don't ever think you are whining on.....we are all here on this earth to share the good times together, but most importantly to help each other through the tougher times. There are some wonderful people in MG....allow them to support you, because you are cared about very much.

*Big hugs*

 

believe it or not, sometimes its the best relationships that end like this. most people have an element of 'self destruct' in them, and often when our lives are most settled and happy we do something to mess it up. its possible the talk of marriage and children and settled futures has catapulted your girlfriend into this affair. it is possible that now she is not under that pressure that she will regret her actions, and miss what you had together. if you truly love her, give her some space and time, and then see if you can communicate on any level. regardless of whether you can resolve this, be assured that however deep your pain is, underneath it all we are all resilient, and you will recover and love again. much aloha lauirie

 

One of the easiest things to break, and the hardest to repair, is trust.

Whatever the problems are/were, they didn't start a month ago, they likely started long before that. They just ended up in somebody else's bed a month ago.

You've clearly stated what SHE was to YOU. What has she been telling you that YOU were to HER? If she's been sharing complaints that have gone unresolved, maybe you have some part in things falling apart. If she wasn't even honest enough with you to share problems, you didn't have the relationship you thought you had, and she's just a good actress... a dishonest one, but a good one.

Painful as it is, it's better to break up now, rather than after marriage and those kids you were thinking about. At least there are no kids getting ripped apart by it all, and no expensive and messy divorce to go through. (been there; done that.)

Life hands us lousy cards sometimes, but life does go on. You WILL get over her, and you WILL find somebody else eventually, hopefully somebody better. Look back at her, and your interactions with her, learn what you can from that, and apply that to the next relationship, hopefully to pick better and do better.

In the mean time, hang onto and hang out with your friends, here and IRL. They'll help you get through and out the other side.

 

sorry to hear about the circumstances T-Rex... i'm a firm believer in destiny and perhaps the reason this relationship ended up the way it did is because there's something better waiting for you down the road...


G.T. you should offer online counselling sessions... your advice is always right on target...

 

Uhuh.....

 

I feel your pain buddy.

I split with my wife of 7 years a few months ago. I was absolutely heartbroken, I idolised the woman. But she said her feelings for me had been changing for the past three years and had come to a point where she couldn't go on with it.

Suffice to say I was lost. Fortunately there was no-one else involved and I've started to get my life back on track again.

Hell, I've even managed to meet a new girl without even trying. So don't go cutting yourself up about it all. The pain will never go away and you'll always have feelings for her, but the pain does get less day by day.

And who knows, maybe you'll meet some else soon to help take your mind off things.

Take care buddy.

 

Firstly Joseph, let me tell you that I'm sorry to hear new like this. It's very early days yet, and you will, unfortunately hurt for a long while yet, although it gets somewhat dulled with time.

I lost 25 years of my life and two kids over three years ago and it still hurts, so I don't have any all-wise solution either. I wish I did. There was no reason really, I thought I was happily married, but there you go. I haven't seen or heard from them to this day.

I do remember though, how supportive my friends here and elsewhere were, so I'd say you did the right thing talking about it here.

They say love is blind, and maybe sometimes it is. Just be comforted in the fact that you have done the right thing.

If she is truly right for you, she will return, if not, then it may be all for the best, as harsh as it sounds.

 

I really appreciate everyone's advise and support. I really don't think I'd be doing very well if it weren't for lots of people just like you guys. The day after Tasha told me all of this, I got a phone call informing me my Grandmother passed away. I was quite close to her... I'd lived with her for a couple years and she really spoiled me as a child. So within a 2 day span, I find out my girlfriend of 4 years has been seeing other people for over a month, and my Grandmother is gone.

I have to be honest, I really had a hard time dealing with all of this at first. I took a week off from work and flew down to Florida for the service which gave me quite a bit of time to think about things. I had my talk with God, and found the strength I needed to keep my chin up. After I came back from Florida, I'd found Tasha had gotten into the apartment and took several things (which I don't care about). I don't care about the things she took, but I had asked her to wait until I had gotten back from Florida which she agreed to. That was evidently another lie.

GT, what you've said is true... I'm sure I contributed to her discontent, but I tried to talk to her, and tried to get her to talk to me to no avail. I'd sensed something was wrong for a couple weeks which is why I tried talking to her, but she gave no indication whatsoever that anything was wrong. I asked her if she had been unhappy or if she wished things were different. I even asked her if she was seeing other people (this is all before she told me) and she denied everything and lead me to believe that nothing was wrong at all.

I knew something was going on, but I just kept denying it... like I said, I never in a thousand years thought she would ever do something like this. All the tell tale signs were there, but I continued to deny it. This is when I confronted her and tried to talk to her about things. And again, like I said, she never gave any indication that anything was wrong at all.

This is all done and over with now, and honestly, I'm doing a lot better than I was when I posted this thread. I know now that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that would do someone else like that. She's moved out of the apartment, and I'm actually starting to look at the positive side of being single now. I've prayed for Tasha and her well being, and I hope to be able to forgive her for what she did someday, but to no surprise to me, she has been acting quite immature since I made her move out.

She was under the impression that she was staying in the apartment that I put first, last, and security down for and that I would be the one moving out. I suppose that would be real convenient for her and her new "guy" to have a nice apartment already setup and furnished with first, last, and security already paid. Once I made it clear to her that I was staying and she was moving, I immediately became the "bastard"... the "bad guy" in the whole situation. This angered me somewhat... she told someone else that I was keeping the apartment just so that she couldn't get it which is not the case.

After all the craziness, she's staying in the trailor park with her Uncle (which I also heard from someone else). It seems her new fellow doesn't want her staying with him either! He probably knows how she did me, and I have this feeling that whoever this guy is does not love her, but she's already told me she loves him (after only a month... haha). Anyway, she made the choice to leave me, and now she's mad because I asked her to move out. At any rate, I've said my prayers for her and that's all I can do. I can't say that I'd ever take her back, although it would be incredibly hard to say no to her. I don't want to risk being hurt like that again twice by the same girl.

Again, thank all of you for all of your advise and kind words. Its people like all of you that God keeps close to Him. God bless you all.

Joseph

 

Joseph, so good to hear you are getting your head around recent events. I am truly sorry to hear of the loss of your Grandmother.

The way your ex is acting is perfectly normal. She feels guilty so the natural reaction is to try to remove some of that from her heart...by convincing herself and others you are a bad guy. But the fact is, what she is attempting to pin on you happened AFTER she left, so this cannot be the reasons why she left, no matter what she says to anyone.

And the grapevine buddy...ignore it. You will hear so much about what is going on from other people and it can eat away at you wondering if it is true or not. My advice is simple. If people try to share the gossip with you just tell them you really aren't interested, but thanks for caring

 

I aint 'a gonna make no comments about trailer park trash... nuh-uh.... aint gonna do it...

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother Joe. Headaches and heartaches tend to come in inconvenient bunches.

Sounds like you've got your head on straight. You'll do fine.

 

Good to hear that things have resolved somewhat for you.

Perhaps you also need to change the locks on your apartment...

Best wishes for your future.

 

"She's been lying to my face for a month now... and I still can't believe it. If only I could show you or explain somehow what we had together, you wouldn't believe it either. I don't know what to do anymore. "


The betrayal of intimacy can make sexual infidelity seem like an afterthought. This is a time to be true to yourself, I know these words are inadequate, but perhaps not to betray yourself stands as response.

 

I actually did change the locks twice. Once we found out the front office would give her a key if she asked for it (since she was still on the lease) we went and bought our own dead bolt lock and installed it. Somehow or another she still got into the apartment. No one but me and my family had a key... not even the front office had one. I supposed she could've called a locksmith, but who would pay $50 or more just to do that?

I honestly suspect that she had someone help her scale the balcony so that she could enter through the sliding glass door on the balcony. As short as she is and as high as the balcony is, she would've had to been boosted up there by someone. I experimented and tried this myself, and surprisingly, I broke into my own apartment with incredible ease. The fact that she would do that after she agreed to wait until I got back from Florida makes me angry.

Thanks for the advise, though. That was one of the first things we did was change the locks. The second thing I did was to call the phone company and report the cell phone I bought her lost or stolen. The service is in my name, so I just reported it lost or stolen which she should have expected. She is mad about all of this, but I don't exactly understand why. What did she expect to happen? Did she think I was just going to let her continue to stay in my apartment and use the cell phone and use our bank account?

Tasha turned out to be quite a naive, immature girl with no remorse or conscience. It seems like she has no morals or principles and brought another guy into what used to be our home. I know what she did after that, and to do something like that takes a heartless, cold individual. I didn't know who she was... after 4 years I had no idea what lied underneath, but now I do... and I feel that I'm much better off without someone like that in my life now. Thank you guys again for all your kind words and advise. You really don't know how much it helped.

 

I know you don't know me from Adam and I'm new to MG but I do know how you feel. (and I went back to the same guy for more 3 times!Doh!)
It takes a long while to get back on track and it isn't easy by any means but you will do it. Trust me. Like the other guys said don't beat yourself up. Allow yourself to have the inevitable "bad" days 'cos they will be there but you will get stronger.
I'd given up completely as, like you, I couldn't bear feeling that kind of pain again. I met another guy, quite by chance, and over a year later we're still going strong. I still find it hard to trust sometimes but I'm getting better and stronger all the time.
So my best wishes go to you and keep your chin up mate.
You don't need someone like that in your life.
You are and deserve much better than that.
x

 

Hey all,

Instead of creating another thread for this, I would like to ask more advice on this. I've an update to this situation that I'm not sure how to handle. Tasha has been unhappy lately, and a mutual friend has been reporting to me that she really wants to come talk to me, and she needs to come talk to me about things. This mutual friend has given me a lot of information about what's going on with my "ex-girlfriend's" life lately.

She's coming to talk to me, though I'm not sure when, and this mutual friend, Henry, has told me that she's realized that what she has done was wrong, and she feels great remorse for it. Henry told her a lot about me as well... the fact that I was saved on 5/27/2005 and accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. He also told her that I pray for her everyday, and he says that when he told her that, she starting crying.

Now, I'm thinking that she's just coming to get closure and apologize for what she did and what she put me through, but I have this feeling... I have this intuition that she's going to want to get back together, and I honestly don't know what to do about that. There are a lot of details that I'm leaving out, otherwise this may become a novel, but I can't help but thinking she just doesn't like how her life is going right now since she's having to live with her uncle and the guy that she left me for is 27 years old, lives with his mother, and has no job. Her situation is not great right now.

The fact that she's just now realizing that what she did was wrong... I try not to feel negative about that, but when I think of how heartless and cold she was the night she spilled her guts to me about this guy... and just the things that she said and her actions... now all of a sudden she feels remorse and comes to her senses? I try to seek forgiveness in my heart for what she put me through, and I think I can bring myself to forgive her. But take her back? I honestly don't know what to do if that's what she wants to talk to me about.

Please ask about any details you need to give me good advice, but I'm really seeking for guidance right now. In my heart, I still love her and care for her, but the pain and anguish is not gone, and with that still lingering in my heart, I don't know if I can take her back. I want to... I really want to, but I don't think I know how. What Henry told her is true... I've prayed for her everyday... I've prayed that she has a safe place to sleep and live, and food to eat, and I pray that nothing bad happens to her, and I pray that she is happy. Now I have to pray for guidance and ask myself... if she is looking to come back to me.. how am I going to handle it?

I want her back so bad in my heart, but my head is telling me different. I'm thinking we should start a new... as friends... and build a foundation. Then, if we can continue to rise to new levels, maybe... maybe I can take her back, but please... I need advice on this one. I really don't know what to do.

 

Joseph...

Although I have followed this thread closely I chose not to reply simply because people like GT said what I would have said and so much better than I could have. However, your latest post brings to mind things that have happened to me and others I know, including star.

Even though you don't know for sure what she wants to talk to you about yet my gut feeling is she does in fact want to get back together...this based on having been witness to far to many devastating 'rubber-band' relationships over the years. There is a typical pattern to these relationships and based on what you have said (to my way of thinking at least) it's all mapped out and she's trying to follow the path to get back with you...which resolves nothing.

Some say once a cheater always a cheater and in many cases this is true but it is not always an accurate statement. I cannot make an affirmative statement as to Tasha's motive in all this or if she would be inclined to do this to you again despite what she may say to the contrary. However...

What I can and will say is listen to your head, not your heart. Emotions can muddy your thinking as you well know and we often make our biggest mistakes in life because we followed our hearts or feelings rather than listening to the logic swimming around in our heads.

IMHO getting back together with her now would be a major mistake on your part and the only thing you would succeed in doing is setting yourself up for more heartache. While she may claim to have 'seen the light and the error of her ways' this IMHO cannot be true. She is most likely listening to her heart and not her head. Things are not going well with the new guy...she doesn't like her current living arrangements...she had it made with you so why not get back to you....for now...at least until a better opportunity surfaces? May sound cold but a lifetime of experience says it's true.

While there may be a deep love between you two and you do have a 4 year history there is also something missing and that something or somethings is critical to your relationship. What you and Tasha need to do is really, really take the time to figure out what it is before jumping back into something AND figure out if that something can be 'fixed'. If you don't you are both setting yourselves up for heartache and destroying any possibility that you can at the very least be friends at some point.

Getting back together so soon after such a devastating blow would only give you instant gratification...gratification that would soon wear off and you would be right back where you were. Any relationship is a 2 way street and it takes a lot of work. Tasha CHOSE to hook up with someone else rather than bringing her dissatisfaction to your attention so you could try to work it out..to me that speaks volumes. She may regret her choice now but it doesn't change the fact that she made that choice to begin with and will most likely do so again if she doesn't work hard to find out what sent her looking elsewhere and then actually resolving it IF it's something that can be resolved.

Think about this...

You may be able to find it in your heart to forgive her but trusting is another matter. A relationship filled with a lack of trust and doubt is a disaster waiting to happen. You may 'think' you can trust her again in the near future however this is coming from the heart not your head. It takes a long time to build up trust, especially in a situation where someone has cheated.

Will you question everything she does, anything she says?...absolutely! While you may try to convince yourself that she is being truthful and upfront with you in your heart, your head will be haunting you with questions and doubts..nagging at you..and then what will you do? Argue with her? Ask around to see what she's been up to? Follow her around? Or maybe just roll with it until she breaks your heart again?

For your own well being I don't think you should even consider getting back together with her right now. Live separately, be friends..even date but give it time! Don't jump right back into the fire. It is up to HER to prove by her actions that she can be trusted....that she speaks the truth...that she would not rake you over the coals again. It is up to HER to figure out what made her stray to begin with...was it something in the relationship or was it just her? Without HER figuring out what was lacking to begin with there is no way you can work on it together to see if it can be fixed.

Every relationship has it's ups and downs but you don't turn to someone else during the downs...you turn to the one you love..talk about it...work it through....fix it. If it can't be fixed THEN you move on...you don't move on while still 'living' the relationship...that's about as low as a person can go.

 

Abby, I agree with you 100%. You are a wise woman. I was nodding in agreement as i read your post. There is no more I could add.

Gal

 

Abby, that was brilliantly put, IMHO

Jim

 

believe me i know how hard this is. sometimes its even harder for a christen, especially a 'new' one to discern the difference between diplomat and doormat. forgiving her does not mean that she has changed something but that you have. write down on two pieces of paper all the reasons you want her, and all the reasons you don't. look at the reasons you don't and then pretend you are giving this advice to somebody else. would you be encouraging your best friend to go back to her? IMHO you need time, a lot of time, before you can even begin to evaluate the chances of having a meaningful relationship with this woman.

(PS, just out of curiosity, whats the possibility that this is somehow tied in with your new found faith?) aloha and god bless you today. Laurie

 

(PS, just out of curiosity, whats the possibility that this is somehow tied in with your new found faith?) aloha and god bless you today. Laurie[/QUOTE]

I think it may have a lot to do with it actually... this "mutual friend" that talks to Tasha and talks to me has given me advice much like Abby's. He told me that he told Tasha I'd been saved and I'm not the same person as the one she left and that I'd been praying for her everyday. The moment he told Tasha that, she began crying and said she needed to talk to me. So, actually, I think my "new found faith" does indeed have something to do with it.

She told Henry she had an "apiphany" which I find hard to believe since I've seen her true colors. But I want to have faith in people... I don't want to just cast it off as bull crap. I want to believe that she feels regret and remorse and is sorry for what she did. But, as Abby says, I can't help but think she's just not happy with her situation at the present time, and wants to make her life better for the time being by getting back with me.

I'm really hoping she's just wanting to talk and get closure and apologize and things like that. But at the chance she wants to get back together, I'll have to really call on God for strength.. especially if the girl starts crying or something. But thank you Abby, and I will listen to your words, because I know you are more experienced, and my head tells me the same as you've advised me. Again, thank you, and I hope to be able to at least build a friendship with her in the future, but I can't take her back... I really can't take her back because my heart couldn't take another blow like the first one.

 

Perfectly said Abby and laurieB.

Joe, Tasha proved conclusively last month that you don't know her. At all. Not only a cheat and a liar, but capable of breaking & entering, and if what she took that "didn't matter to you" were YOUR things, which it sounds like, a thief as well. Those are basic character traits, not subject to change on a moment's notice.

It doesn't matter what she looks like, what great memories you have, how good she was in bed, or how much she meant to you. She is not what you thought she was. Getting back together won't change her, and her reasons for wanting to get back together are hugely suspect. It's in her selfish best interest to try to get back what she had. She doesn't like where she ended up. But what SHE had was not what you thought YOU had. Those basic character traits that you are working on "forgiving" will not go away overnight, if ever.

Your heart wants back what it "had". But it did NOT have what it thought it did. It wants something that never really existed. Your head sees the problems, and disagrees with your heart. Trust your head Joe. Your heart wants something that is not real.

Best advise, for YOU is to leave her where she put herself, and look for a better person to love. If you try to get back together, your heart will say YES!, NOW!, and she'll play that like a violin, without changing who she really is. Reality is not as much fun as fantasy, but fantasy tends to come apart eventually. When that fantasy is in a book or movie, no harm done. When it's your real life, it's always disaster. You've been there once. Isn't once enough?

If you insist on giving her a second chance, tell her up front that she has destroyed the entire 4 years of your history together, and insist that you start from square one, as friends, and see how things develop. Under NO circumstances should you have sex with her. Your logic and judgement hit the carpet at the same time your pants do. Under NO circumstances should you let her move back in, or give her any help in any way other than paying for dates. Square one means just that. If she wants to work things out with you verbally, and take the time to deal with what she did, what she IS, and prove to you that she sincerely wants to change that, take the next couple of years just dating. This won't happen quickly. If she's not interested in that, she's not interested in what you're interested in, and she's absolutely not the person for you.

I honestly don't recommend the second course of action, as you will find it hugely difficult to evaluate her rationally. Your heart will muddy your judgement. And you'll have a hard time saying no to sex.

There are great reasons why the Bible mandates sex only after marriage. You're far better able to make the right decisions without sex wrecking your judgement. Not to mention the ever present risk of starting a family that may be a disaster. The NEXT time she decides to dump you, she could leave you with a kid to raise by yourself.

BTW, congratulations on your new life as a Christian. That is another serious aspect to YOUR life. Does she want to share that as well? If not, that will add another level of separation between who you are and who she is. The Bible also warns about being "unequally yoked" with somebody that doesn't share your values. Another impedement in "becoming one" with the other person, and another reason to look elsewhere.

One final word of advise from someone much wiser than me:
Matthew 10:16 Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.

It's time to be a serpent Joe.

 

been there done that with my ex wife,you can forgive what she has done but dont ever forget what she has done. History has a habit of repeating its self.
Good luck and take care.

 

You're absolutely right... and it sent shivers up my spine when I read that... because I had just said that today (or read it) and it might be coincidence if I believed in coincidences. I also appreciate all the other advice you gave me which you were also absolutely right about. Thank you... thank you all. You've helped me more than I could have asked for.

As for the difficulties I may have struggling with my emotions and what not... trust me... I have strong will, and remembering everything she's done and put me through will make it a lot easier on me.

 

Yep, what G.T. and Abby said. My advice would be similar. Talk to her by all means, but judging from her past behaviour, she would be unlikely to change her thinking and consequent actions in the long run. And even if she did, as Abby said, you will be living in an atmosphere of mistrust and uncertainty, which would make any close live-in relationship unworkable.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence for some people, which is sad, because they will never find happiness or peace. When they find it isn't, they want to jump the fence again, and pretend it never happened. Until next time.

Oh yeah. Remember there is one love relationship that won't let you down. Your relationship with God, through Christ. People will let you down more often than not, so will this carnal world of ours, but Christ won't. It's an unchanging rock in a very changeable world.

Peace and happiness are not found in the world, or environment, or in other people. Not even in God, or religion. True peace is found in your thinking habits and attitudes, and how well one harmonizes with concepts of self, environment and others.

 

and even then it can be sticky.

 

Woooohooooooo......way to go Lord

 

several years ago my daughter died at 3 months old. 8 days short of a year later my father died. On my wifes birthday no less. Then the next day after he died she asked me to leave. Turns out when I was out of town the week before (buying her birthday present) she introduced her new boyfriend to her parents... I lost my daughter and my dad and my wife... my home... my things.... I left with my van, my clothes a stereo and my skis...

And it was the best thing to ever happen to me. I went back to school and have a much better job, wife, and life.

When women leave they think about it for months and deal with all of the emotions ahead of time then when they do it .... it's done they have already dealt with the emotion and they appear cold. That, that doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

 

there is an element of real truth to that, and you need to consider it.
PS micrO, my condolences.

 

I think abby has it right on. there is no way I would take anyone back after what this girl did to you but it's your life and your situation, no one can make it for you. If you do agree to see her take things very slow, and since you know how devious she can be, you have a better chance of catching it early on if it happened again.
PS, Laurie has a good thought on the faith thing, that can make people feel uncomfortable and pressured. if she felt you were somehow taking a different path or trying to lead her down a new one. not saying that's the case but religion can be a very touchy subject.