In honor of Saint Patrick's Day

IRISH SMILES

Only the Irish have jokes like these:


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
======================================
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violenty all over the
road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have
ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
=====================================================
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in,! you're always welcome, Tim, But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at
the Guinness brewery.."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. You husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee"
==================================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says,"He said, 'Please
Mary, put down that damn gun.'
====================================================
AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church. enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally the Priest
pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use
knockin'; there's no paper on this side either."

 

LOL.

My favorite one.

Steve

 

lol those are some good ones!

 

LOL. Good one Halo!

 

I lol so hard I almost had ta pee





Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!