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Jokes 2

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by AbbySue, Dec 11, 2008.

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  1. AbbySue

    AbbySue MajorGeeks Administrator

    Due to the awesome length of the old jokes thread and the subsequent lag it is causing, it has been closed.

    Post your new jokes here. I'll start off with one that I'm sure has been here before but remains a favorite of mine b/c I'm such a visual reader and can see the scene playing out before me as I read it.:-D

    Garden Snakes are DANGEROUS!
    Author Unknown

    Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

    A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

    It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

    The husband, who was taking a shower, ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

    She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold nosed him on the rear. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

    His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

    About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and one of the Emergency Medical Technicians saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

    He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

    But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushion where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

    The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband on the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

    An ambulance was again called when it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

    The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

    By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

    The ambulance arrived and took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

    Meanwhile, the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire truck had started raising his ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and pulled out the electricity and disconnected telephones in a ten-square city block area.

    Time passed...

    Both men were discharged from the hospital. The house was re-built. The police acquired a new car, and all was right with the world.

    About a year later the original couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

    She shot him...
  2. mcadam

    mcadam Major Amnesia

    Lol great joke. All the negative events sounded like something out of Final Destination!
  3. AbbySue

    AbbySue MajorGeeks Administrator

    Thanks McA :)

    This isn't an actual joke, but pretty darn funny. Love stuff like this and I'm sure there are things on programs such as funniest home videos we can ALL relate to.:-o:-D

    Complements of my dad (max)...enjoy!

  4. LauraR

    LauraR MajorGeeks Super-Duper Administrator Staff Member

    roflmao...I love it being set to Dancing Queen.
  5. Triaxx2

    Triaxx2 MajorGeek

    Man arrives at a hotel for a business meeting and into his elevator walks a Drop-dead gorgeous woman. After a couple of floors he gets up the nerve to talk to her and asks why she's there. The woman explains that she's there to give a lecture at the Nymphomaniacs convention, dispelling a number of myths.

    "What myths?"

    "That Black men are the most well-endowed, in truth it's Native Americans. Most people think the French are the most considerate lovers, but really it's the Scottish. And the men with the most stamina are southern Rednecks." After a moment, she asks his name.

    "It's Tanto McTavish, but my friends call me Bubba."
  6. obnoxious

    obnoxious Corporal

    Housework Is A Woman's Job!

    Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived
    home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in
    the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and
    the table set.
    She was astonished!

    It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said,
    'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were
    too tired to have sex'.

    The night went very well. The next day, she told her office
    friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up
    the kitchen . He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the
    laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

    'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

    'Oh , that ..., Ralph was too tired..'

    God is good.
  7. Dayvo

    Dayvo Private E-2

    Why Santa Doesn't Exist

    1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species
    of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are
    insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer
    which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT
    since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
    Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
    million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an
    average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million
    homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
    time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
    (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
    to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
    1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
    fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
    whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
    sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8
    millions stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
    we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will
    accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of
    75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at
    least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

    This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
    times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made
    vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
    second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
    that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
    the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
    described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
    than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
    pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
    nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
    counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for
    comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

    5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
    resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
    spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
    will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
    short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
    reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The
    entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.
    Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times
    greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
    would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

    In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
    dead now. Merry X-mas.
  8. Rikky

    Rikky Wile E. Coyote - One of a kind

    Everyone knows Santa converts his entire mass to photons to make the rounds that's why have Christmas lights to signify the the change into massless particle waves.
  9. red death68

    red death68 Command Sergeant Major

    wow funy santa discussion and the snake story we heard in school lol

    i got some these are from another forum i hang out in
    1.) A couple of blondes were driving through
    Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them
    they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all
    the way there about how to pronounce the name of
    the town.
    Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting
    their food, one of the blondes said to the
    cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us?
    Very slowly, tell us where we are."
    The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

    "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
    2.) A customer walks into a restaurant and notices
    large sign on the wall:
    $500 If we fail to fill your order!
    When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts
    on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks
    into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
    The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
    kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps
    five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me
    this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the
    first time in ten years we've been out of rye
    3.) There was an elderly gentleman who was
    suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife
    of 40 years loved him very much, but she
    couldn't handle him any longer. He
    would wander about never knowing where he
    was or sometimes even who he was.
    Finally she decided that she would have
    to take him to a nursing home.
    At the nursing home, while the wife was
    filling out paperwork, a nurse had
    the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly
    the man starting slowly leaning to
    his left. The nurse ran over and put a
    pillow on his left side to prop him
    up. A few minutes later, he started
    leaning to his right. Again, the nurse
    ran over and put a pillow on his right
    side. Then he starting leaning forward.
    This time, the nurse strapped him into
    the chair.
    About this time, his wife, having
    completed the paperwork, walked up to him
    and asked, "How do you like the place?"
    "It's okay," he said. "But, they won't
    let me fart."
    When the twin towers still existed, there was a bar on the top floor.
    2 men are sitting at the bar, and one turns to the other and says
    "Do you know that there is such a powerful updraft between these two buildings, that if you jumped out the window, the wind would carry you back up?"
    The other man says
    "That's a load of crap."
    The first man then says,
    "Here, I'll prove it to you"
    The man jumps out the window, falls and falls, and then does a loop, and floats back up through the window.
    The second man says
    "HOLY CRAP!! You were telling the truth! I want to try!"
    So the second man jumps out the window, and falls and falls and falls.
    Splat, he hits the ground with a thud, and dies.
    The bartender, having seen all of this, turns to the first man and says
    "Dang, superman, you're a mean drunk."
    Due to increasing products liability, alcoholic beverages manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning label be placed immediately on all bottles:
    : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
    : Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a wanker.

    : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your face in.
    : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
    : Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your clothes.

    : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    : Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose name, and/or species you can't remember).

    : Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    : Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.

    : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    : Consumption of alcohol may make you think you possess mystical Kung-Fu powers.

    : Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing with you.
    : Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
    : Consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
  10. red death68

    red death68 Command Sergeant Major

    one last i didnt feel like fiting abby u might get a kick outa this sence ur a visual reader

    **Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


    **'Hi honey.**

    **This is Daddy.**

    **Is Mommy near the phone?'**

    **'No, Daddy.**

    **She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

    **After a brief pause,**

    **Daddy says,**

    **'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

    **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**

    **Right now.'**

    **Brief Pause.

    **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

    **Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

    **And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**

    **That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

    **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

    **A few minutes later**

    **The little girl comes back to the phone.**

    **'I did it, Daddy.'**

    **'And what happened, honey?' **

    **'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

    **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

    **And now she isn't moving at all!'**

    **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

    **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

    **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

    **And into the swimming pool.**

    **But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

    **Last week to clean it.**

    **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

    *****Long Pause*****

    *****Longer Pause*****

    *****Even Longer Pause*****

    **Then Daddy says,**

    **'Swimming pool? .**

    **Is this 486-5731?'*

    **No, I think you have the wrong number.......**
    thats a personal fav its like a candid version of cheaters
  11. obnoxious

    obnoxious Corporal

    Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

    The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Katie, a 3-yr old girl to hold

    a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

    Very diligently, Katie did as she was asked.

    Mum-to-be pushed and pushed and after a little while, a baby boy was born.

    The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

    Baby began to cry.

    The paramedic then thanked Katie for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old

    what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

    Katie quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his arse again!"[/size]:-D
  12. obnoxious

    obnoxious Corporal

    Re: Jokes 2 One for the men!

    Guts or Balls...

    There is a medical distinction.

    We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

    In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death:cool
  13. obnoxious

    obnoxious Corporal

    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
    MARIA: Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
    CLASS: Maria.

    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    (I Love this kid)

    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!

    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
    MILLIE: I is..
    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
    MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter o f the alphabet.'

    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

    TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

    TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
    CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher
  14. red death68

    red death68 Command Sergeant Major

    lol funny jokes people
  15. obnoxious

    obnoxious Corporal

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
    and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked
    why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

    The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

    The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

    The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
    and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

    The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
    and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
    and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on
    backwards instead of your collar.'
  16. red death68

    red death68 Command Sergeant Major

  17. Mankind

    Mankind Just call me MK - RIP 2014

    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:

    DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:

    THE EYES: !
    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:

    When you rearrange the letters:


    When you rearrange the letters:

    Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
    too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
  18. Mankind

    Mankind Just call me MK - RIP 2014

    A MUST READ!!!!

    How does it go? "Don't try this at home"?

    We have the standard 6ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I Heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest Cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

    I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

    One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

    Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

    Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.

    I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower was fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

    Science says one cannot crap, pee, and get a nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM, BAM, BAM, you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
    together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

    At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences...But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 Volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

    'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

    Covered in poop, pee, jizz and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

    So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day...he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

    I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it.

    I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

    1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
    2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek, (not the left, just the right).
    3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might first think.
    4- My left eye will not open.
    5- My right eye will not close.
    6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
    7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
    8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this?)

    That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

    The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and that gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
  19. red death68

    red death68 Command Sergeant Major

    wut the heck was that all about common sence says dont go near the flipping wire till you are 110% sure (yes its the right number) you cut the power and then you approach it slowly and carfuly (perferably with rubber gloves the thick kind) and then and only then you pick it up carefuly or try to completly shut off the fence!
  20. :-D:-DJust so funny 'Abbysue' I was cringing at the oldies so dangerous....something to tell the grandkids lol...:cool:-D:-D

    Not had the patience to look at rest but I will kewl....:cool;)
  21. Triaxx2

    Triaxx2 MajorGeek

    Unfortunately, that joke fails on a basic level. Chargers are required to pulse, specifically so you can let go. Otherwise it's pretty funny.
  22. obnoxious

    obnoxious Corporal

    It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon
    on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

    Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right
    next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

    The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for
    reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron
    balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.

    Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster
    than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too
    far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

    Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
    monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar
    expression, didn't you?
  23. obnoxious

    obnoxious Corporal

    A middle-aged woman

    Seemed sheepish as she

    Visited her gynaecologist.

    'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,

    'you've been seeing me for years!

    There's nothing you can't tell me.'

    'This one's kind of strange...'

    'Let me be the judge of that,'

    The doctor replied.

    'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

    'I see.'

    'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
    'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,

    Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !
    You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,

    'I'm scared out of my wits!'

    The gynaecologist put a comforting
    Hand on her shoulder.
    'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

    (Ready for this?)

    (I'm warning you.....)

    (Still not too late....exit now!)

    'You're simply going through the change!
  24. obnoxious

    obnoxious Corporal

    Posted: Fri 12 Dec, 2008, 3:40 am Post subject: Your Yearly Dementia Test.


    Your Yearly Dementia Test

    It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use

    it, you lose it!

    Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
    Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

    OK, relax, clear your mind and begin. Remember - NO CHEATING!

    1. What do you put in a toaster?


    'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
    Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

    2. Say ' silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?


    Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content

    yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.

    3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a

    black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


    Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
    If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

    4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided

    into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is

    also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes

    smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East

    Germany , West Germany , or no man's land'?


    You don't bury survivors.
    If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.

    5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In

    Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four g et on. In Cardiff , 1 1 people get

    off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on . In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.

    You then arrive at Milford Haven.
    What was the name of the bus driver?


    Oh, for crying out loud!
    Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!

    PS: Spoiler:

    95% of people fail most of the questions!! Are you one of them?

  25. Kestrel13!

    Kestrel13! Super Malware Fighter - Major Dilemma Staff Member

    an oldie but a goodie...

    A Cuckoo Of A Night Out

    The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’

    Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

    I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

    The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem angry in the least………. Whew, I got away with that one!

    Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said ‘oh crap.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
  26. obnoxious

    obnoxious Corporal

    I'm only funnin you so laugh

    Duties of Wives!

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
    their new wives duties.

    Mankind had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told
    his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that
    it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean
    house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

    augiedoggie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
    cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results,
    but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was
    clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man, Doc had married a English girl, Emma. He boasted that he told
    her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
    laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and
    hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he
    didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by
    the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
    little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to
    eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

    God Bless English Women
  27. Mankind

    Mankind Just call me MK - RIP 2014

    John Smith started the day early having set his alarm



    for 6 AM

    While his



    was perking, he shaved with his

    electric razor


    He put on a

    dress shirt


    designer jeans



    tennis shoes


    After cooking his breakfast in his new

    electric skillet


    he sat down with his



    to see how much he could spend today. After setting his



    to the



    he got in his



    filled it with


    (from Saudi Arabia )

    and continued his search

    for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

    At the end

    of yet another discouraging

    and fruitless day

    checking his


    (Made In Malaysia ),

    Joe decided to relax for a while.

    He put on his



    poured himself a glass of



    and turned on his



    and then wondered

    why he can't find

    a good paying job

    in AMERICA .
  28. Fred_G

    Fred_G Heat packin' geek

  29. sikvik

    sikvik Corporal Karma

    > > A man asked a waiter to take a
    > > bottle of Merlot to an unusually
    > > attractive woman sitting alone at a table in
    > > a cozy little restaurant.
    > > So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and
    > > said,
    > > "This is from the gentleman who is seated over
    > > there."
    > > ..and
    > > indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at
    > > the
    > > wine
    > > coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then
    > > decided
    > > to send a
    > > reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
    > > nearby for a response,
    > > took the note from her and conveyed it to
    > > the gentleman.
    > >
    > > The note
    > > read:
    > >
    > > "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
    > > Mercedes in
    > > your
    > > garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your
    > > pants
    > > "
    > >
    > > After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of
    > > his own
    > > in
    > > return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and
    > > instructed him
    > > to
    > > deliver it to the lady.
    > >
    > > It read:
    > >
    > > "Just to let you know things
    > > aren't always what they appear to be, I have a
    > > Ferrari Maranello, Bentley
    > > Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche
    > > Carrera 4 in several garages; I
    > > have beautiful homes in Aspen , Italy, South
    > > Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch
    > > in California. There is over one hundred and
    > > sixty million dollars in my bank
    > > account and portfolio. But, not even for a
    > > woman as beautiful as you are,
    > > would I cut off three inches. Just send the
    > > bottle
    > > back."
  30. joey off the street

    joey off the street Lounge Lizard No.1

    Sherlock Holmes is painting his front door a bright shade of yellow.
    Doctor Watson returns home from work and asks Holmes, "Why yellow?"
    Holmes replies, "It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."
  31. sibeer

    sibeer MajorGeek

    Top Ten Caddie/Golfer Give and Takes
    Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
    Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
    Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
    Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
    Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
    Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now. "
    Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
    Caddy: "Eventually."
    Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
    Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a
    Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's a big
    Caddy: "It's not a watch ~ it's a compass."
    Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
    Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf ."
    Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
    Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
    Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
    Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
    Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
    Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
  32. AbbySue

    AbbySue MajorGeeks Administrator

    Little Johnny jokes have been around since...well....I dunno! Forever? For some odd reason ;) many of them still crack me up.:-D

    Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

    Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

    At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

    At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs."

    Mummy fainted!
  33. red death68

    red death68 Command Sergeant Major

    rofl nice very nice didnt see that comming
  34. Mimsy

    Mimsy Superior Imperial Queen of the MG Games Forum

    Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

    Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

    His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

    Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

    His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2009
  35. red death68

    red death68 Command Sergeant Major

    rofl nice
  36. PapaDuke

    PapaDuke Master Sergeant

    *Dishwasher Repair*

    Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

    "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

    When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

    The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

    To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
  37. red death68

    red death68 Command Sergeant Major

  38. joey off the street

    joey off the street Lounge Lizard No.1

    My brother had a growth on his cheek and decided to visit his doctor and have him take a look at it.
    The doctor has a look at the blemish under a rather large magnifying glass and exclaims, "Well, I can see a very nice expanse of lush green grass, a shady copse with a babbling brook running through it and a number of picnic tables with parasols and benches."
    "Is it serious?" asks my brother.
    "Not at all", replies his doctor, "it's just a beauty spot."

    I keep waking up in the morning and feeling like Donald Duck. At night, as I fall asleep, I feel as if I'm Mickey Mouse.
    My doctor says I'm having Disney spells.
  39. red death68

    red death68 Command Sergeant Major

    o wow corny but kinda funy
  40. joey off the street

    joey off the street Lounge Lizard No.1

    Corny? Corny? Kinda funny? They're the two funniest jokes you'll ever hear in your life.....apart from the ones I may post in due course. Corny indeed. ;)
  41. PapaDuke

    PapaDuke Master Sergeant

    *75 Stories*

    Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

    After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

    Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

    At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

    "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
  42. Paxton007

    Paxton007 MajorGeek

    Q: What's the difference between a PNC Park hot dog, and a Wrigley Field hot dog?

    A: You can't buy a Wrigley Field hot dog IN OCTOBER! LOL
  43. joey off the street

    joey off the street Lounge Lizard No.1

    Superman and Spiderman were standing at the foot of the Empire State Building, discussing the finer points of their respective superpowers. Eventually, the discussion turns into an argument over who has the greatest powers.
    Spidey turns to Superman and says to him, "Right, I'll tell you what, first to the top of the ESB wins."
    They both set off, determined to beat the other.
    Twenty minutes later Superman is standing on the roof waiting for Spidey to turn up.
    The web slinger appears ten minutes later, out of breath.
    "Where the hell have you been?" asks Superman, "I've been waiting for half an hour."
    "Well", explains Spiderman, "I was passing the 28th floor when I looked through a window, and there, lying naked on a bed was Wonder Woman. In a fit of passion, I jumped through the window and started to make mad, passionate love with her."
    "WOW!!" says Superman, all impressed, I bet she was surprised."
    "Yeah", replies Spiderman, "but not as surprised as the invisible man was."
  44. obnoxious

    obnoxious Corporal

    One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, one of our female employees flagged me down and asked for help.

    "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me?"

    I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive.

    While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the plastic,
    I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying awful hard to keep a straight face.

    Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

    "Oh, you mean the condom!"


    "Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"

    By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve.

    I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she shouldn't do that anymore, then she asked in a dead-serious voice:

    "Does that mean I don't have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either?"
  45. Paxton007

    Paxton007 MajorGeek

  46. hvt

    hvt Private E-2

    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday..

    'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose
    early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

    He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

    He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb ***!'

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
  47. sikvik

    sikvik Corporal Karma

    Best example of Cross Selling. Must for every Salesman.

    A keen immigrant Indian had applied for a salesman's job at London's premier downtown department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him,

    Have you ever been a salesman before? Yes sir, I was a salesman in Kolkata in India, replied the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you.'

    The day was long and arduous for the young man, but he got through it.

    And finally 6:00 pm came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked,

    How many sales did you make today?

    Sir, Just ONE sale. said the young salesman. Only one sale? blurted the boss. No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sale a day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way 'How much was the sale worth?

    Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four pounds' said the young Sindhi.

    How did you manage that? asked the flabbergasted boss.

    Well, said the salesman 'this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. So I told him he'd be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to our automotive department and sell him that new Deluxe SUV 4X4 Blazer.

    I then asked him where he'll be staying, an since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about 100 pound sterling worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

    The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!'

    No answered the salesman, 'he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him, Your weekend's screwed anyway, you might as well go fishing.
  48. hrlow2

    hrlow2 MajorGeek

    to sikvik
    Now THATS what I call a salesman.
  49. tonyhale

    tonyhale Lounge Lizard No.2

    Question, what have you got if you've got 20 women buried up to their necks in sand?

    Answer, not enough sand
  50. Kestrel13!

    Kestrel13! Super Malware Fighter - Major Dilemma Staff Member

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