Jokes 2

Bad move with the women we have here.

 

Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One muffin said to the other, "Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?"
And the other muffin said, "Aaaaugh! A talking muffin!!!"
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Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils?
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Did you hear that a boat carrying red paint and a boat carrying blue paint crashed into each other?
Apparently the crew were marooned.

 

I thought I better act fast, in order to secure victory! LOL

 

How do you make a hanky dance? Put a little boogie in it.
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what is green with wheels?

grass... i lied about the wheels
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What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

Dam.
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There are 5 fish in a tank and 4 of them drown how many are left?

5 because fish can't drown silly..
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What did one snowman say to the other?

Do you smell carrots?

 

What do you call a stillbirth in a hippie commune?

A midwife crisis.
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What do you call a track meet for cross-dressers?

A drag race.
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Why can't Hellen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman (uh oh) LOL
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Q: How do blind sky divers know when they are about to hit the ground?

A: The dog leash goes slack
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What is red and smells like blue paint...?

Red paint

 

Two bits of black tarmac walk into a bar. They order a pint each with a whisky chaser. They both down their drinks and immediately order another round, drinking each round in one. An hour later they are both getting steaming drunk and start arguing about who is the toughest.
"I can beat you with one hand tied behind my back", says the first.
"No way", says the second, "I can beat you to within an inch of your life with both eyes shut and both legs tied together."
They argue back and forth like this for twenty minutes, getting more and more animated, until the punches are ready to be thrown.
The landlord is about to step in when a piece of green tarmac walks in and sits down.
The two bits of black tarmac look at each other and run into the toilets. They emerge an hour later, look around and come out when they see the green tarmac has left.
The landlord looks at them quizzically and says to them, "You two were almost fighting earlier on about who is the hardest, yet when that green tarmac walked in, you both ran and hid in the toilets. How come?"
"Well, we're hard," says one bit of black tarmac, "but he's a cycle path."

 

Never heard of the latter there, sounds quite interesting though.. :-o

 

Yeah, not interested anymore. LOL

 

They can if they're in one of these tanks...........





PS Your jokes are crap, Pax. Sorry, man, but it has to be said.

 

Right church, wrong pew.



You're not stealing my boobie prize joey. LOL

 

Believe it or not, Pax, but I don't think I could plumb deep enough depths to snatch that accolade from your grip. My jokes are infinitely better than yours.....IMO

 

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would
sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.

"Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room.

"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Oh my god! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father.

"Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two harlots."

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Sorry to those of you who got the email notification before I edited the post.

 

You want to be careful, your jokes are improving.

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.



‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”



I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.



“And what do you deduce from that?”



Watson ponders for a minute.



“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.



“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”



Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”


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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

 

how do you know theres been an elephant in the fridge?


you'll see its footprints in the butter

 

And tonyhale takes the lead in the award for crappiest joke of the thread. Up to now. Sorry, Pax, but you must admit, tony's joke was by far and away worse than yours.
Let's see the best of the worst in your gag armoury, Paxton.
The Sherlock Holmes/Dr Watson story was your undoing. It was funny.

 

how do elephants hide in cherry trees?


paint their toenails red

 

how do elephants get down from cherry trees?

wait until autum and float down on a leaf

 

Feckin' hell, Tony, I nearly fell out my pram when I first heard these jokes. And they were mega crap then. A fun thread has suddenly turned into a nightmare. :cry Please.....mercy. No more.

Where's Pax? We need your slightly less crass brand of peurile 'humour'. Save us.

 

The teacher wanted to see how well her students could think.
She said" I'm holding something in my hand. It's round and red.What is it?"
Little Susie yells out "It's a ball."
Teacher says " No,it's an apple but it shows that you are thinking."
Little Johnny( he's back ) wants to play too.
He stands up with his hands in his pockets and says "Teacher, I'm holding something in my hand. It' about an inch long, stiff and hard and has a red head on it. What is it?"
Teacher was blushing. Red faced, she tells Johnny that he should be ashamed of himself.
Johnny looks at her, pulls his hands out of his pockets and says" Why Teacher. It's only a match, but it shows that you are thinking."

 

Osama bin Laden sits in a cave in Afghanistan, pondering the fact that he is surrounded on all sides by his enemies. He decides, to alleviate the boredom, to take a walk in the hills alone. As he is walking, he kicks a small bottle that has been lodged in a clump of dirt. He examines the bottle and notices that it is very, very old. In the top of the bottle is a worn cork stopper and with an effort he removes the cork. Immediately, standing in front of bin Laden is a genie, resplendent in flowing silk robes and dressed in ancient garments, centuries old.
"Master, you have released me from my prison. For hundreds of years I have languished in that bottle, praying for release. As a reward I will grant you a wish."
With that, bin Laden unfolds a tattered old map and lays it on the ground. He points to the cave he is inhabiting and says to the genie, "I have dwelled in this cave for a long, long time and I am now tired. I wish to move on, but I'm surrounded by my enemies. To the north the British and ANZACS close in, to the west, 10,000 American infantrymen wait to attack. The south is crawling with Canadian armour and the combined forces of the rest of the world's military musters to the east. My wish is for my enemies to be defeated by the grace of Allah."
The genie studies the map for a few minutes. He turns to bin Laden and says, "I'm so sorry, that is completely impossible. There are some limitations on even my powers. I can't see a way out of this dire situation. You are well in a world of hurt. However, I will still grant you a different wish. Name it and it shall be yours."
With that, bin Laden thinks for a few seconds and facing the genie says, "Well, I was going through the forums at MajorGeeks and was reading the 'Jokes 2' thread. My wish is that someone would post something funny there."
The genie stares at bin Laden, strokes his chin, thinks for a second and replies, "Here, give me another look at your map."

 

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he
says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this." And he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. It's bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager; and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and reports: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, and he wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

 

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

 

The Checkout Line Joke
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit Startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied: "Because you're ugly."

LOL

 

:-D
i laughed a little.


:booger

 

You mean you laughed so hard, you had to be resuscitated with oxygen, then changed your undercrackers when you realised that you had lost control of your faculties. Possibly.

Cos that's what happened to me when I read Paxton's.

 

So, I'm doing better then? LOL

 

Yeah, sry. Thats what i meant. I just couldnt find the words to express how i truly felt about the situation. You really read me joey. from the heart, man. from the heart.

 

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure thing. Coming right up.' He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter every where and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: 'Want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?'

The Indian smiles and proudly says:'Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee
, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day

 

funny

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


————————————-

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: ‘I Thought You Loved Me.exe’, try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 It runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources. Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0…

Good Luck, Tech Support


Got this one from here

 

now thats funny

 

http://www.wierdfacts.com/jokes/23/582-girlfriend-10-software.html
defective.Sorry,wouldn't delete

 

Lets try this one.

http://www.indiaonrent.com/view/u/upgrading-from-girlfriend-70-to-wife-10.html

 

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they
have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry'
and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little
lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and
falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps
him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting
smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned
and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain
forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"

 

Your jokes are improving somewhat, Pax. 7/10.

Where do whales go to get weighed?
To the whale weigh station.

 

And yours just took a nosedive.

 

Thanks for the input, hrlow. :neener
Righto. This is when the big guns are brought out. The funniest joke in the world. Ever.

A man walks into his doctor's surgery and sits down.
"How can I help you?" asks the GP.
"Well", says the man, "I have a very embarrassing problem. I can't seem to stop breaking wind. But the thing is, they are silent and they don't smell. In fact, I've farted half a dozen times since I came in. Please help me."
The doctor fills out a prescription, hands it to the man and tells him to come back in two weeks.
So, two weeks later the fella returns to the doctor's surgery. "I did as you told me, I took the whole course of pills but they ain't done any good. I'm still farting as much, but now they stink to high heaven and they're still silent."
The doctor fills out another script, hands it to the guy and says, "Right, that's your sinuses sorted, now to fix your hearing."

 

That one stinks.Try harder.

 

No. I don't wanna. :crybaby Leave me alone. :cry

 

Ain't gonna do it.:-D
(hey joey. This ain't the Welcome Center.)

 

theres a girl at the beach with no arms and no legs, shes crying and a guy walks up and asks whats wrong she says "I have never been hugged before" the guy gives her a hug. So she starts crying again and another guy ask whats wrong, she says "I have never been kissed before" the guy gives her a kiss. So she starts crying again and a guy asks whats wrong she says "I have never been screwed before" so the guy picks her up and throws her in the water and says "K now your screwed!"

 

Ok you two, The master is here. Enjoy


The grave-side service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,accompanied by even more rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,"Well....she's there!"

:wave