Jokes v.3

Hmmm, I think I've seen that somewhere before, but can't remember where. :confused :-D

 

Re: Female lonely hearts ads

That would be the guy that drives the hot dog and bologna delivery van. :-D

 

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time. The newspaper asked if she would mind talking about her first 3 husbands & what they did for a living. She smiled & said, "My first husband was a Banker, then I married a Circus Ringmaster. Next was a Preacher & now in my 80's, a Funeral Director." When asked why the 4 men had such diverse careers, she explained "I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, & 4 to go...."

You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. You let go about 5 strong and loud ones back to back. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember.....You've been listening to your iPod the whole time....

 

Re: Blond Joke

roflmao

 

Two bits of Tarmac walk into a pub and order two pints. They immediately start bickering and arguing about who out of the the two of them is the hardest. After twenty minutes of their rowing, a piece of green Tarmac walks in and orders a pint. The two bits of Tarmac look sheepish, start fidgeting and eventually head to the toilets.
They see the green Tarmac leave and return to the bar.
The barman, having witnessed their display of abject cowardice, asks them why, when they were arguing about who was the toughest, they skulked off to the toilets at the appearance of the green Tarmac.
"We're hard", replied one of the pieces of Tarmac, "but he's a cycle path".

 

A variation:
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a streaker ran by.
The first old lady had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
The third old ladie's arm weren't long enough.


A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

A bear is sh*tting in the woods, he looks over and there is a rabbit. He asks the rabbit "Does s*it stick to your fur?" The rabbit says "no, why?"
So the bear wiped his but with him.

A guy is telling his buddy, "I was walking throught the wodds and saw a bear & it went ROARRR!!" and I crapped my pants!. His buddy says "yeah, when you saw that bear?" to which he replies "No, just now when I went ROAR!!!"

 

An 80 year old woman was arrested due to shoplifting. When she stood before the judge:
Judge: What did you steal?
Woman: a can of peaches
Judge: Why did you steal?
Woman: I was hungry
Judge: How many peaches were there in the can?
Woman: 6
Judge: I therefore give you 6 days of jail time

All of a sudden her husband got up and asked the judge if he could speak.
Judge: OK
Husband: She also stole a can of peas

 

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play
date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her
friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'

 

Mrs Cohen rings up the Jewish Chronicle. Says to woman;
"Mrs Cohen here. My husband has died and I want to place an announcement."
Telephonist at other end asks, "Go on, dictate it."
Mrs Cohen replies, "Put 'Cohen is dead.'"
Telephonist pauses then says, "That's a bit short, isn't it?"
Mrs Cohen replies, "Ah yes, but I don't want to spend more than I have to."
The telephonist laughed and said, "Mrs Cohen, our minimum price covers six words so you might as well make it a bit longer."
Mrs Cohen paused and thought then replied, "Ok, change it to 'Cohen is dead. Volvo for sale.'"

 

a right load

Many of us have wondered who is Jack Shit? Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married O Shit, owners of Knee Deep in Shit Inc. Jack Shit married No Shit. The couple had 6 children: Holy Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, the twins Deep Shit & Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit a high school dropout. After 15 yrs, Jack & No Shit got divorced. No Shit married Ted Sherlock & became No Shit Sherlock. So the next time someone says you don't know Shit, you can proudly say Yes, I do

 

Michigan Yoopers Declare War on the U.S.A.

Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama?" a heavily accented Yooper voice said. "This is
Sven, up here at Olies Bar and Steak House in Bruce Crossing, Michigan.
...
I am callin' to tell ya'll that we are officially declaring war on ya!"
"Well Sven," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Sven, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my
cousin Olie, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
Pine's Bar. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Sven that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

" Wow," said Sven. "I'll have to call ya back !"

Sure enough, the next day, Sven called again. "Mr. Obama, the war is
still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Sven?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two 4-wheelers, a snowmobile, and Harry's trail
grooming machine."

President Obama sighed. "I have to tell you Sven, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one
and a half million since we last spoke"

"Lord above", said Sven, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Sven rang again the next day, "President Obama, the war is
still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified
Olies ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
boys from the coffee shop have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you,
Sven, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Oh Lord," said Sven, "l'll have to call you back."

Sure enough, Sven called again the next day. "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Sven, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over a few beers, and come to realize that there's just no way we can
feed two million prisoners.."

MICHIGAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

 

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole,
all live together in a little mole hole.

One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....



MOL ASSES !



Today is International Disturbed People's Day




Harry.

 

Mary was looking to buy a present for her 10 year old grandsons forthcoming birthday.

Her daughter told her that little Danny had recently been fishing and was keen to take up the sport.

Armed with this information, she went to the local hunting and fishing store. After some browsing she selected what she though might be an ideal starter rod and reel for her wee boy.

She approached the sales desk, where a male assistant, wearing dark glasses, welcomed her to the store.

"Would this rod and reel be a good starter set for a 10 year old?" she asked.

"I'm sorry madam, I am registered blind" said the assistant, "However if you drop the items on to the counter, I can identify them by the sound they make"

Somewhat sceptical, Mary did as suggested with the rod and reel.

"That's an 11 foot, 3 piece Charter rod, together with a 1BB, pre spooled reel" said the assistant, without hesitation.

He continued, "They are absolutely fine as a starter kit for a young angler"

"How much?" asked Mary.

"£44 total" came the reply.

Mary agreed to the purchase and the assistant proceeded to wrap the rod and reel.

As he was completing the task, Mary, having dined on cabbage, let go a ripper of a fart. Fortunately for Mary, the store was quite busy and after all the assistant was
blind.

The assistant then rang up the purchases on the cash register.

"£57:50 please" said the assistant

"What!?" exclaimed Mary, "I thought you said £44"

"That's right" came the reply;

"£44 for the rod and reel, £10 for the duck caller and £3.50 for the live bait!"





Harry.

 

This posted joke resulted in Kodo giving me a Custom Title.

 

Halloween Story

http://stories-etc.com/hills.htm

 

http://stories-etc.com/hw/01.gif

 

THE DEFECTIVE PARROT
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.
'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy.


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.


I'm especially good at ornithology.


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the postman.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the postman delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the postman came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes.


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'





Scroll d o w n,










DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

 

Ok. The women here are gonna kill me for this one.(I apologize)
How many guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, Let her iron in the dark.




Please don't kill me.:crybaby

 

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'


This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch: flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'


'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.


=

 

1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist morons. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse it!


3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks him, "Where is Pakistan ?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".


4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."


7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"


8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.


9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."


10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

Anyone who flies a rebel flag, promise not to shoot me. I may fire back. :-D

Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: Because there are no dental records, and the DNA is all the same.


:innocent

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says ...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees a bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon ... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly there is a gunshot and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe ... go back amigo, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi compadre ... what ees it?"

"Pepe .. ees not a bacon tree. Ees,

Ees,

Ees,

Ees,

Ees a ham bush ..."


Harry

 

Geordie/Carrot Cruncher applies for a job as a blacksmith.
When asked if he had any experience in shoeing horses.
He replied no, but I once told a donkey to “go away”


OMG i've got J.O.T.s avatar
Someone shoot me

 

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from
his bed one morning. It was a
fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of
the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.

There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment .............................................

Father O'Malley then replied:

'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

 

RETIRED HUSBAND


After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found on all four corners of the world.
And then, he made the earth round.

Cheers..

 

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard . The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.



The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
>



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

>

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.


>

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

>

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


>

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.



The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.




The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

>

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.



The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?



The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.



Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

>

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire . And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...

>

>...silver, topaz, and amethyst..



Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .



The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight



>

. . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

>

 

Michigan, according to Jeff Foxworthy:
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Michigan. If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they
don't even work there, you may live in Michigan. If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Michigan. If you've had a lengthy telephone
conversation with someone who dialed a wrong...... ............number, you may live in Michigan. If "vacation" means going anywhere North of Grand Rapids
for the weekend, you may live in Michigan. If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Michigan. If you know several people who have hit a deer more
than once, you may live in Michigan. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Michigan. If you can drive 75
mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Michigan. If you install security lights on your house and garage, but
leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Michigan. If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Michigan. If you
design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Michigan. If the speed limit on the highway is 70 mph -you're going 80 and everybody
is passing you, you may live in Michigan. If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Michigan. If you know all
4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Michigan. If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you
may live in Michigan. If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Michigan

 

Since this thread's come back to life, here's one of my favorites:

Three engaged couples attend a marriage workshop at a local church. All though they appear to be sweet and innocent on the surface, the pastor has done his homework and makes the following announcement:

"I'm wise to the fact you have all been living in sin. If you wish to be married under the Eyes of the Lord in this Church, you must abstain from pre-marital sex for two weeks."

Although the couples gasp and moan, the pastor stands firm: Abstain for two weeks or forget about a wedding. All three couples agree to the demand, and a follow up meeting is set for two weeks later.

At the follow-up meting, the Pastor looks the first groom-to-be in the eye and asks, "How did it go? The man responds, "It was a tough two weeks; however you were right. My bride-to-be and I now respect each other a lot more."

The Pastor moves on to the second groom-to-be who is quite poker-faced and asks the same question, to which the reply is, "It was a very tough two weeks - we almost didn't succeed. I have to agree though, not having sex made our love stronger in the long term."

When the pastor turns to the final groom-to-be, the lack of eye contact and other non-verbal cues indicate the answer. Nonetheless, he asks the man, "Did you refrain from sex over the past two weeks?"

"Uh, it was going Ok until last Friday" the man starts off. "After dinner, my bride-to-be dropped a roll of paper towels. I saw her bent over and just couldn't help myself..."

The Pastor's face turns red and he yells, "That's DISGUSTING! Not only am I not going to marry you, I don't ever want to see you in my church again!"

His fiancée looks up and mumbles, "That's OK...they won't let us back in Walmart either."

 

:major

 

Bad food

Dietician giving a talk about how some food stuff can be bad for you.
Too much red meat, studies have indicated it may be the cause intestinal problems.
Fatty food raises your bad cholesterol, blocks arteries the main cause of heart disease
Too much sat in a diet is often the cause of high blood pressure
Chocolate, foods that have high sugar content may lead to diabetes.
Turning to her audience, Now then can anyone tell me of a food that can have a long term effect on their health?
Guy at the back of the audience shouts out, yes, Wedding Cake can make you miserable.

 

"When I was a kid, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog."

 

http://www.rotfllol.com/pdata/min/21181.jpeg

 

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

 

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.



Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.



I told her, "Colonel Sanders."



Guess where the %#ck I am...???

 

Once upon a time there lived a king.


The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..



But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.


No matter what;



Metal,


Wood,


Stone,


Anything she touched would melt.



Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.



The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?



He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,


'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'



The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.



The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter


an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...



THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.



The first brought a sword of the finest steel.





But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.


The prince went away sadly .


The second prince brought diamonds.


He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.



He too was sent away disappointed.



The third prince approached. He told the princess,


'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'



The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .





She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.


And it did not melt!!!



The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.



And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.



Question: What was in the prince's pants?




M&M's of course.



They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

 

NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF THE YEAR.
>
> A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States
. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank
you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing,
food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
>
>
>
> The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
>
>
>
>
> The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America ."
>
>
>
>
> The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
>
>
>
>
> The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
>
>
>
>
> That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not
American."
>
>
>
>
> He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
>
>
>
>
> She says, "No, I am from Africa ."
>
>
>
>
> Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
>
>
>
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> The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
>
> IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE
THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.
>

 

:-d :-d

 

Two Woodpeckers...

A American woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in America arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The American woodpecker claimed America had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The American woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the American woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The American woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the American woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the American tree, and the American woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

 

There were three turtles that decided to go on a picnic. It took them quite a while to get to the picnic site. They started unloading the picnic basket when they realized they had forgotten the drinks. One of the turtles would have to go back and get them. None of them wanted to, until finally, the littlest turtle volunteered... "As long as you don't eat the sandwiches while I'm gone!" The other two turtles agreed, and the smallest one crawled off. An hour passed. Evening came. Night, then morning. A week went by. After a month, one of the turtles turned to the other and said, "Let's go ahead and eat the sandwiches. I'm hungry." Just then, a tiny head popped out from behind a nearby rock, and the littlest turtle appeared. "I KNEW you were going to eat the sandwiches without me!"

 

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished,naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you ' re not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I ' ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you ' re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to.

 

Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

 

"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint
of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro
please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed
over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the
barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening
from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of
ours.
That will be 3 Euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a
seat.

"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2
euro. -
You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you a
Euro."


"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit
in this frame please"

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he
can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra
surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought
your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked
either, that will be another 3 Euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his
drink on
the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the
manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will
be 2 Euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet
drink
and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him
between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone
number.
Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking
charge of only 10
cent per second"

"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints
for one Euro

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7ryICK5Ee8&feature=related

 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, who knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had consumed all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel sitting on top of the Christmas tree.

 

Take my advice! I wasn't planning to use it anyway!

 

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap

 

Where's the end??

 

This Dyslexic man walks into a bra