Jokes v.3

Hehehe pity I do my work from my home office rolleyes if I had to regularly go into head office then this would be a great excuse roflmao

 

I woke up this morning, it was raining and nasty, I felt the anal blindness kicking in. Reached over to grab the phone to call my boss, and damn, my brokeitus flared up!


I can't catch a break... :-D

 

This made me laugh LOL

Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."

 

That is so LGBT intolerant.... :-D

 

Caught me by surprise as I thought it was ending differently then BAM LOL

 

Thanks nac4ev this reminded me of a true story.... When I was working for Boral R&D in the early 90s we had a programmer working for us who came over from New Zealand to join us. One long weekend he and his girlfriend went for a sightseeing trip through Central Victoria. He was driving through Bendigo and he saw a car parked on the roadside with a radar speed camera so he slowed down to the speed limit of 75kph and flash, his picture was taken, so he did a u-turn and drove back this time at exactly 60kph and flash, his picture was taken again, so he did another u-turn and drove through again but this time at only 50kph and yes his picture was taken for a third time. When this happened he stopped and drove back to the speed camera car and spoke to the operator suggesting his equipment was faulty and it needed to be recalibrated as the speed limit was 75kph and he was well under that speed and still getting booked. The operator then said "I will continue to manually set the camera off and you will be booked every time you pass until you put on your seat belt."
My colleague said that in New Zealand seat belts weren't mandatory and he didn't know they were here in Australia roflmao

Hehehe true story LOL

 

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.

A fake name and a fake number.

:-D

 

Nsfw

My deck.

:-D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RDhkmeoYKYctw&v=hkmeoYKYctw

Again, NSFW.

 

Did you ever wonder?

 

Typo Soup?

 

Halliburton: Estimated 39 billion in profit.


Those who profited the most from war never fired a shot to defend anyone, or anything beside their own special interest(s).

 

"I asked God for a bike. But, I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike, and asked for forgiveness."


:major

P.S. Yes, I'm tired.

EDIT:

Do you know why marriage is like an asylum?

Because you need to be committed....

 

Just take the cash the bike would have cost you, ask for forgiveness, and toss it up in the air, telling God to keep whatever he wants. :-D

 

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,... Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic is when both are pregnant. LOL

 

As he was recovering from emergency surgery in a hospital run by nuns,
A nun calls at his bedside, can I have your medical insurance details.
I don’t have insurance.
Do you have any means of paying for your treatment.
Sorry I’m flat broke.
Do you have any relatives who could help.
Yes, I have a sister who’s a spinster, she’s a nun just like you.
The nun furious, we are not spinsters we are married to the Lord.
The guy smiles, ok give the bill to my brother-in-law.

 

LOL!

The Pastor's ***

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.



The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery, even shorten your life.

Be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's *** and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

 

Micky and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce. The judge asks Micky, "So, you say your wife is crazy?" Micky says "No, I said she is f'ing Goofy".


:-D

 

"The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong." LauraR.

True. :-o

Man says to his friend: "My wife's an Angel." Friend replies: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." roflmao

 

Two old ladies meet in Heaven...

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive. :-o

 

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.

The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts:


"Degree,

put the toy back"!

A woman who was shopping heard this and asked,

"Is that his name?"

The grandma replied

"Yes!

I sent his mother to university and

this is what she brought back !"

 

Which is Worse

A man went to the hospital in Toronto to have his wedding ring cut off
from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend
found the ring in his pants pocket.

She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum
jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know which is worse:

1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
OR...
3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.

Tough call. You decide.