Jokes

AWWW, your right, twice is better.

 

Share a joke with friends

 

You also have to remember to laugh often

 

And always see the glass as half full

This ones for you Halo

 

And Be weird whenever you have the chance

 

Fall in love with someone

 

BUT- Always be up for surprises

 

Take an occasional Risk
But Safety first

 

How funny, think we all have the same pictures.
Hold on to good friends; They are far and few between

 

Yea I agree Darlene, this one is my personal favorite
Live up to your Name

 

Bush/Cheney Dumb............
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is
still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a
letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still
in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded
message:

"370HSSV-0773H."

He was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to
Cheney. Cheney and his advisors had no clue either, so they
sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it so it went to the
National Education Association and then to MIT.

Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. They cabled
Mr. Bush back:

"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside
down."

 

Yea well I tried telling Bush/Cheney that the Whitehouse was for News, not Jokes, so fairs fair

 

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN S'EX

10. You are guaranteed to get something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, nobody gets an attitude.

8. You can suck on a Tootsie Roll in public and no one cares.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6. Dressing up and fantasizing isn't considered kinky.

5. If you don't like what you get, you can just go next door.

4. The police don't care if you turn a few tricks.

3. You can ride a broomstick that's several feet long.

2. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

...and the number one reason trick or treating is better than s'ex...

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

 

The Candy Test

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

Red .. cherry

Yellow .. lemon

Green .. lime

Orange .. orange

Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few minutes, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," the professor said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, >my God! They're assholes!"

 

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye.

Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum.

"Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."

"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk."

"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.

"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.

"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."

 

Top 10 Signs You Are Too Old to Be Trick or Treating




10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.


8. You ask for high fiber candy only.


7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.


6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.


5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.


4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.


3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.


2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.


1. You avoid going to houses where your ex's live.

 

There I'm done with Halloween

 

WHAT WOMEN SAY VERSUS WHAT THEY ACTUALLY "MEAN"
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER
It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!


FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realising that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile...You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

_______________________________________________________________________


A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Guess I had better go, before the Female Geeks get me

 

Whatever

 

@bcgray
I've been following this thread for awhile, and although I've laughed at quite a few posts, not a single one made me choke in shocked amazement......Thanks for the laugh and the sore throat

in the spirit of bipartisanship, here's one.

A farmer is driving to town one week, and on the way he notices a boy carrying a basket walking down the road. Upon getting closer he notices a sign on the basket that says "Democratic(or republican) puppies, free to a good home. He shakes his head and drives on. The next week on his trip to town he notices the same boy walking with the same basket. While passing him he notices the sign has changed. It now reads "Democratic(or republican) puppies, free to a good home. He screeches to a halt, gets out of his truck and walks over to the boy. "Little boy," he says. "I saw you walking with those same puppies last week, and last week you said they were Democratic(or Republican) puppies. What gives?" The boy looks him square in the eye and says, "That's cause their eyes weren't open yet, mister".

 

lol

 

Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name.



It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in

situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:



1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is...

www.whorepresents.com



2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:

www.expertsexchange.com



3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at:

www.penisland.net



4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

www.therapistfinder.com



5. Then of course, there's the Italian-Power Generator company

www.powergenitalia.com



6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

www.molestationnursery.com



7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always

www.ipanywhere.com



8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is:

www.cummingfirst.com



9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:

www.speedofart.com



10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at

www.gotahoe.com

 

Those are great Darlene Here's some funny domain names (probably not real...just funny)

* 404WebDesign.com
* Anarchy.gov
* BestSellingFreeware.org
* BillClinton2004.com
* CubanCigars.us
* Dictator-Resources.com/scripts/polls
* eMother-in-law.com
* Flunk.edu
* FreeVirusDownload.com
* Gay.mil
* Healthcare.gov
* LoseMoneyNow.biz
* Mordor.gov
* Microsoft.com/index.php
* Rocky6.com
* SlackerLance.com
* Taliban.af

 

Dang Mankind I just bought a motorhome this past summer, and that one of yours looks so much nicer, and that "Anal Lube" Golly Gee where do you find such neat stuff

 

You might be a redneck if.......

you're wife is quoted in the local paper saying.....

 

You might be a redneck if.......

...a little rain doesn't spoil the fishing....

 

You might be a redneck if......

........ou have a deer's butt for a doorbell.....

 

Think I'd stand outside and holler

 

lol. I prefer plastic....

 

Wheres Tim, found another senior one.Just to piss him off, lol
Speedy Seniors...
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

 

Thats good. Thank you

 

Why Parents Have Gray Hair



A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, "Dad"
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter
with trembling hands:

Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
you and Mom.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her
tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but
it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We
share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the
commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store and a golf course

I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

 

For Our Timmy

 

Just for you Tim and naturally Darlene & Mankind
Never fool around with a little old lady!

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

Never fool around with a Little old lady!

 

Was his name MAT?

 

And we all know which of us is the OLD LADY

 

Senior Exercises

The Doc told me to start an exercise program.

Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:


Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper


Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head


Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles


Advise the President on how to run the country
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire


Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge



Pick up the pieces.



Kneel in prayer
Bow my head in thanksgiving
Uplift my hands in praise
Hug someone and encourage them

What a Workout!

 

Hey Darlene I have seen your photo on MG Maps and you ain't "OLD" girl, if you saw either me or TimW, then you would know what "Old" is

 

Nine grandchildren, 9, of course the older my kids got the younger I said I was when I had them till there came a point I may have been eligible for Guinness's book of world records.

 

Hey Darlene you have brought laughter and youth to this board, and I for one salute you Nine grandchildren and all, without you there wouldn't be as many chuckles here at MG

 

Aww, thank you, you guys have certainly brightened my days, for sure

 

**********************
Love is grand ! Divorce is a hundred grand.
**********************
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
**********************
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
***************************
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
***************** **********
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
***************************
Even if you are on the right track,
You'll get run over if you just sit there.
***************************
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
***************************
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world.
A pessimist fears this is true.
*************** ***********
There will always be death and taxes;
However, death doesn't get worse every year.
***************************
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
***************************
I am a nutritional overachiever.
***************************
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
***************************
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
***************************
A day without sunshine is like night.
***************************
It's frustrating when you know all the answers,
But nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
***************************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
***************************
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But fat cells live forever. ;
***************************
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes it comes alone.
***************************
Life not only begins at forty,
It also begins to show.
******************* *******

 

What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
And
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

 

Dang BirdBath you stole my joke page 31 post#451 Going to have to get those darn M$ lawyers after your sorry A$$ Just kidding great joke is it

 

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

.