Jokes

Mr. Gray,

I am both Humbled and Honoured that in some slight way others here may take this coincidence to mean that I, in a small way, might come close to your brilliance when it comes to recognizing humor.

How's that for 103% ?

 

LOL BirdBath you go to the top of the class, BS class that is, and for someone that comes from "Back East" (yuckers) you don't have a bad sense of humour either. (Now that should get me 118%)

 

You have to have a sense of humour to live here.

Cheers.

 

LOL

 

Computer Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:-

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH***

 

Golly gee Tim I did not realize that your "Age" was your "Size" too, you poor boy, nanner, nanner

 

I wasn't sure if that word was acceptable, here goes- Just the right card

 

see what you started, Nuns on a walk

 

Remember Ma & Pa Kettle? This is cute.

http://www.zippyvideos.com/5386757395776026/mapakettlemath_1/

 

Great Americana humour, loved Ma & Pa Kettle........Great find Darlene Thanks for the link.

 

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST ( we all know her!)

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared
an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME
HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at around and the embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an
equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX
CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!

 

Well now I don't think it's your coffee choking you all the time,

 

ooooh, spit it out, SPIT IT OUT!!!!

 

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid dumb blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot sitting on your lap!!"

 

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302, and nobody here tells me shit.
(Ain't that the truth)

 

Keeping the Beat

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous. Simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!!!”

 

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
Salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
Pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
Seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
Then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room
Are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her
Computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need
Curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

 

Another Blonde Joke

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.
Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

 

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come
on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed... "YES!
YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men.

 

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums:

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

those are FUNNY

 

A Dentist's Office

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with
it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."

 

>Bob Stoops, the Oklahoma football coach, after living a full life, died.
>
>When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a
>modest little house with a faded Sooners flag in the window.
>
>"This house is yours for eternity, Bob," said God. "This is very
>special; not everyone gets a house up here."
>
>Bob felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the
>porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story
>mansion with a Green and Yellow sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with
>an enormous Oregon Duck flag, and in every window, a Duck.
>
>Bob looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I
>have a question. I was a good coach, I went to three consecutive bowl
>games, won a national championship, and turned around Oklahoma 's entire
>program."
>
>God said "So what do you want to know, Bob?"
>
>"Well, why does Mike Bellotti get a better house than me?"
>
>God chuckled, and said "Bob, that's not Mike's house, it's mine."

 

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.
The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man. The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Grandma's minister fainted.

 

Thanks for that. Was a bit worried after I posted that it may offend some people. Hope it doesn't

 

Quick joke that those who do understand will probably have heard before , meh:
There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

Is that little indian or big indian? I could never remember which is which.

 

Big endian, I think, I just googled it (am learning to program as it happens, bit still didn't really have a clue what you meant).

 

How to be a good Husband or die trying

Advice for Husbands About Aging Wives

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men notice
this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle
the situation.

When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it
became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra
income and for health insurance benefits that we need. She was a
trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was
fortunate to land a job at the local medical center.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I
noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get
home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens.
Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is
not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when
she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished
eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for
several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her
several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves.
I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger,
Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and
not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so
much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another
trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As
long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing
to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or
something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next
evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to
do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog,
vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to
gut and scale the fish as a more leisurely pace. Nancy is
starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you,
but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that
it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue
to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over
two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she
said she had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard.

I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age
talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs
these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit
for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by
the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show
this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better
than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My
purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing
consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average
man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little
less often because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was worthwhile.

Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause
of death is still under investigation

 

LIZARD BIRTHING
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's
sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.

He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

 

Doing it the "Right" Way


Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

 

The First Blonde Guy Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time! I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."




Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me…………………..He makes his own lunch."

 

What’s growing in your Backyard

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the darn things are growing wild!!"

 

Fax Machine

Just for you Tim

An Canadian, a Japanese, and a TimW were sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The Canadian presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." Then TimW, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steps Out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of Toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" "I'm getting a Fax," he explains…….

 

This is hysterical, so you knew my ex-husband, huh?

 

Oh my, you two

 

Sorry Tim the latest Fax we recieved from you appears to be smeared

PS and will you please put your cloth's back on, the women have left the forum in disgust

 

Actually Darlene though I hate to admit it, that one hit home for me!!!!!!

PS please don't tell my wife about the DUI Okay

 

LOL, promise and we won't mention my ex was an automotive manager for a large corp.

 

That is cute, although I'm still trying to get the deer out of my head.

 

LITTLE PEDRO

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro
Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln,1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006"

 

Getting old is so hard at times.


Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.


NOW, I talk like an as*h*le ..
...but my gums don't itch!

 

AND THE CAT CAME BACK

For the Cat Lover in our group Darlene

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat
there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that s.o.b on the phone, I'm lost! and
need directions!"