Jokes

LOL, that never worked with the kids either!

 

Second blonde man joke

Very blonde Joe was in his first fenderbender and so he went to a body shop to get it fixed. Getting out of his car, he flicks his scarf around his neck and asks the burly mechanic if he could fix this little problem for him without a lot of expense.
The mechanic, eyes the poor fella wickedly and tells him ”You can take this home and in the privacy of your own garage, you can just put your lips around the tailpipe and blow the dents right out!”
“Wow!” says Joe and races right home and pulls into his garage, and lowers himself behind the car and after wiping the tailpipe off and coating it with cherry flavored lip chap, begins to blow as hard as he can.

His wife, also blonde comes home and catches him at it! He explains what he is doing and she looks at him incredulously. “What is the matter with you? Are you really that stupid? I can’t believe I married you. You are so stupid!……………….
You forgot to shut the windows in the car first!”

 

TimW and the Magician

So a magician has a gig on a cruise ship that continues every season for ten years. On board this ship is TimW who never misses a show. To the dismay of the magician, TimW has taken to telling all the stunts. The poor guys’ shows are punctuated with “Look up his sleeve, up his sleeve!” and “False bottom!”, “Mirrors, he uses mirrors!” “It’s under the hat”.

Every break the magician finds new tricks to stop TimW’s outbursts. During one cruise there was a problem in the broiler rooms and the engine exploded during a show with a huge bang. The ship was blown to smithereens! The magician woke up in the water hanging on to a floating board. No one else was to be seen except for TimW, perched on the board and staring intently at the magician. This went on for 2 days, with not a word from either. Finally TimW spoke up. “OK, I give up. Where did you hide the boat?”

 

Seeing that TimW is sleeping somewhere BCGray posts away

TimW DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "TimW, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said TimW, "It's not just
one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________________
TimW And BCGray Driving
Two elderly men were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
man in the passenger seat thought to himself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The man in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was
really concerned that he was losing it.!
He was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, he turned to the other
man and said, "TimW, do you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
TimW turned to BCGray and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
______________________________________________________
TimW’s POLICE CALL
An elderly TimW called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car
has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried.
The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Sir, an officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard.", He said. "He got in the back-seat by mistake."

 

Hate to tell you this Tim but if your working there is something wrong, you've been RETIRED for ten years

For Bazza and our friends from Oz

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: IT IS THE SAME AS A FRENCH KISS, BUT ONLY DOWN UNDER.

 

You guys are in form today

 

OK which one of you wants it?
Never mind, I ruined it, a picture.

 

JUST FOR YOU DARLENE

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, God, please
give me the strength to cross the river. POOF!

God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across
in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river. POOF!

God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this
river. POOF!

He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying,..
"Okay, you can go I didn't realize you were a cop. Come to think of it maybe that Cop was TimW's Sister

 

funny jokes, is TimW easy pickins today? lol
Had a car picture for you guys. Resized it away to nothing. Got rid of the other program i was using when i was dumping / cleaning my computer. I'm self taught you know....

 

Never Forget Your Anniversary, Tim

Tim was in trouble.


He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.


She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the

driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER

BE THERE".


The next morning Tim got up early and left for work.


When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure

enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the

driveway.



Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway,

brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a

brand new bathroom scale.




Funeral services for Tim have been scheduled for Friday

 

IF WOMEN CONTROLED THE WORLD

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m270/mgpower0/ATT000111.jpg
http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m270/mgpower0/ATT000173.jpghttp://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m270/mgpower0/ATT000204.gifhttp://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m270/mgpower0/ATT000266.jpghttp://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m270/mgpower0/ATT000297.jpg

 

WOMEN:

Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing
that knowledge is power; but they still know how to use their softer
side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their
friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong
when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic
evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and
shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive,
fly, walk, run, or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world go round! Women do more
than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion
and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends; and
all they want back is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same to
people you come in contact with.


MEN:

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and fixing shit.

 

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.



THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.


Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay

 

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

 

Okay, Okay so sue me One more Blonde Joke

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far
town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600
left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if
I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul
it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell
it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest
town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks
into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to
my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I
need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out
here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the
bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only
be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of
thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word
"comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that
you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive
out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just
the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly ........ 'com-for-da-bul.' "

 

That's a good joke

 

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play
topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come
on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed... "YES!
YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men.

 

*Ouch! ~ He,he!

 

THE DIET

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."





RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."





THE INTERVIEW

An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."





SPACEY

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian bragged, "We were the first in space!" The American retorted, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you fool. You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"





MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding, and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. Huffily, she replied, "I wish you guys would make up your mind. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"





NO BRAINER

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

 

Found a redneck one for Mankind

 

Road Kill Grill

 

Tips from the redneck book of manners

Apologies to Mankind who has post some of the same

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.!

*** DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

*** WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2 Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

 

"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

TimW, Mankind, and BCGray, each with a slight hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. BCGray remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," said Mankind, "it's Thursday." And TimW chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

 

this is kinda long and although I'm not a Richard Simmons fan found myself laughing out loud (alone) This is a Whose Line is it Anyway that never aired.

http://www.mojoflix.com/Video/Richard-Simmons-on-Whose-Line.html

 

Haven't read through all of these pages of jokes, so this might be a duplicate. It is one of my favorites.


One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

 

Friendship

Are you tired of all those mushy “friendship” poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a “friendship” poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!


Friend,

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you,

When you smile, I’ll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you’re well again, I don’t want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath…I pledge ‘till the end.
Why you may ask? Because you are my friend!

P.S. A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.

 

At last, finally a decent friend poem

 

A Lesson In Political Science

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

 

Thats the one I was trying to put up for BCGray & TimW yesterday after the car jokes but I reduced it down to nothing, lol

 

Is French difficult to learn?

 

That was a great show, and yea I am not a Simmons fan either, but that clip was hiliarious, had to watch it twice. Still cleaning up the coffee

 

At first I thought this was a story or perhaps a hoax but by the time I finished reading it, I have to say, I became a believer.
The Minnesota Ghost

This is too good not to read, especially if you thought ghosts didn't
exist! This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little
town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an
Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a
real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and
no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in
front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and
appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him
and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped into the car and closed the door;
only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no
sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly
forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out
and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and,
still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for
his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a
nearby lake and he would surely drown!

But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's
window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the
car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared
through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they
reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could
take and jumped out of the car and ran and r an, into town, into
Willmar.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two
shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized
the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).



About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz
pushin it in da rain

 

Yo mommas so fat she rolled over four quarters and it made a dollar bill

 

Oh no finally someone posted a Yo Momma, SHAME, shame Rikky

 

Your 20 pages too late LOL post 425

http://forums.majorgeeks.com/showthread.php?p=840708#post840708

 

WE meaning I, lol always refereed to myself to my kids as Jo-Mama. Like on line if they didn't know who was on the other end. I made that really confusing, huh? Now they ask who's there, i say Jo.
Can I delete this, think I'm lacking oxygen.

 

is that for real, poor man, is that what speed does to you? lol

 

Looks like his mother and father might have been his aunt and uncle

 

humm lets look

 

Vino huh, is it White Zinfandel? LOL referring back to the drink list, got a beer here, rack em up.

 

does look like could be a mommy any min huh. Oh we're awful that poor man might actually look like that. Refer to my slogan

 

hey wheres my slogan? can you see it

 

I used to drink red mountain it was like $1.60 something a gal. lol.

 

No what's that? a wine?