Jokes

Gee why??

 

You have all the same pictures I have, I'm never quit sure what to put on, like the one I covered up, Sam the fisherman

 

Thunderbird, now there was a mind bender. Got engaged on that, think I was 7.

 

oh wow. I lived there. 95 i think

 

Yo daddy so ugly his body dont like his face

 

Oh my god!

 

I was always a mommy, never got into much of anything.

 

Country Club, do I have a story for that

 

lol, wasn't that in inhalers?

 

Someone is going to have to come in and clean up this site we messed

 

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The
mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has
beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision." "That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be
shit-outta-luck if he needed glasses."
----"out of the mouths of babes"

 

Whats Amal Nitrate

 

i was pregnant

 

In fact when people speak mention certain lessons in school, I reply, I missed that day, I was pregnant. Which incumbencies a LOT!!!!

 

T-Bird

 

Baby deformities are always good for a laugh. no, seriously.
One of my favorite jokes to tell to bar patrons that seem a little too serious is as follows:
You think that's bad? My sister just gave birth to a baby boy without eyelids. Poor thing cried and cried being unable to sleep. Luckily, she found a doctor that was able to construct the eyelids out of the spare skin from his circumcision. He is now able to sleep and blink thanks to the ingenuity of that doc. True, he's a little cock-eyed....

 

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

"OK, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

 

No, that would be "Hershey Road"

 

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

What We've Learned From The Movies

1. The ventilation system of any buildings the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when women tries to clean his wounds.

5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.

6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

7. If someone says, "I'll be right back," they won't.

8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: Enter Password Now.

9. It is not necessary to say hello or good bye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.

10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.

14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak english to each other.

 

Another oldie but goodie


The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in
Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages in
Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers.



Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the
Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.


Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on
Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached
Canada but the commandos made it.


Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a
actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like
he was sort of busy too.


The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.


Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which
is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic
decline.


In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV
now.


Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides
of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.
Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."


Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for
reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have
problems.


Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!"
And that was the end of the fighting for a long while.


It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.


Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes
and started smoking.


Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which
was
very dangerous to all his men.


The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was
born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money
and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,
and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy.
Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having
none
of that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are.


Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise
Lost. Since then no one ever found it.


Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas
Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot
stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor.
This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number
of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up
in
his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous
composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.


Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he
wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.


The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions.
People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.


Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It
Was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was
really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but
without
watches who knew. I don't get it.


Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she
did.
Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to
find
radios because they were already taken.


Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the
movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.

 

LOL Abri had to print that out for the wife, as she teaches both Sunday school and Elementary School and comes home with ones like that ever so often. Thanks

 

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat. Sorry!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you .. I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
---------------------------------------------------

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay

 

What the heck, getting close to the holidays

 

http://home.valornet.com/sabruf2/countchr.html

 

if u wanna see a whole bunch of things like Abri posted, check out a book called Non Campus Mentis: similar but from a college professor's students over many years. one of the funniest books ever

 

Darlene I know Lev wants to bag a deer but good lord has she no mercy in potting poor Santa's reindeer right of your neighbours roof!!!!!! Good thing you got the photographic evidence Going to be a bummer lifting her prints from it though

 

I was trying to save itfor Christmas, just seemed like the time to bring it out.

 

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were
little:


Once upon a time
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess ' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever feel

grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauteed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't freakin' think so!

 

Holy Hanna, then we had better get our Timmie and hid him Batman that boys farts were the cause of Major Geeks going down last time, lord only knows what will happen to him once Bush hears about this!!!!!!!!!!

 

I can just see the news broadcast with Bush's stern face saying "Folks our combined Armed forces have Timmie the Farting Terrorist insight, and as I speak the Tactical Bomber Squadron out of Spokane, Wa. is bombing his last known hide out. This will teach the world that nobody is safe, with such odieous odorous characters like Timmie the Farting Terrorist free to fart at your beloved President. I your President declare war on all Free Farters, to make America fart free".

 

BCGray this is my kinda forum here! I may not be the techiest gal on the net but I love a good joke, & I noticed a couple of good Jewish jokes in here, so in deference to my good RT Jewish friends, all of whom loved these jokes, here goes! *WEG*

~~~~~~~
Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted
to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the
plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied
Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the
test and complete the conversion.

On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to
begin.

The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must
discuss my fee, It's $5000."

"$5000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about
$500?"

"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.

~~~~~~~~~
An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior. Only
three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny box and released a fly.
He drew his sword and, Swish! The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew
his sword. Swish!Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

No.3 samurai stepped forward, released the fly, and drew his sword.
SWOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly let
out a high-pitched sound, but comtinued to fly around.

"What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor."The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. Now,
circumcision.... that takes skill!"
~~~~~

The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict.

The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. Arafat replies, "Of course."

The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing--including Moses.

When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.

"'Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.

"'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites -- "

"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"

"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

And BCGray your jokes are turnin' me inside out, laughing! That letter about the beavers! LOL. I hadda forward that to all of mybest friends in mail. I was in stitches! Thanks for that! LOL

 

Any Geekers here?
~~~~~~~~
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine."House" is feminine --
"la maison." "Pencil" is masculine -- "le crayon." A student asked, "What
gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups male
and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer"
should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
reasons for their recommendation.
-
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay check on accessories for it.
5. Performance gets worse with age
-
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and...
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
5. Certain hardware doesn't install correctly in all models.

The women won.

 

Felinity,Great stuff, new stuff, think we were repeating the same jokes over.

 

darlene I got a million of 'em, baby!! lol...
LOVE to share & bring grins!

 

Just for you Felinity, and Thanks for the compliments……But the credit really goes to this site and the great people that frequent it.

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller
skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound a sleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"


The little “Rug Rats” will get you every time


Mary Lou was standing in her kitchen one summer day, doing a little baking, when her grandson, Jimmy, came bursting through the door. "Grandma, Grandma!! What's the word for when one person sleeps on top of another person?” asked Jimmy. At first, Mary Lou froze in her tracks.....but then thought to herself, I had better take care of this before my idiot son-in-law fouls it all up. Mary Lou smiled sweetly at her adorable grandson, and said, "Honey, it's called 'Sex' and………….." but before she could finish, Jimmy shouted, "Thanks Grandma", and ran back out the door and up the street to his friends.

A couple of hours later, Jimmy reappeared at his Grandma's door. "Grandma, you were WRONG!!.......it's called a BUNKBED!!!"

"Oh, and by the way.....Tommy Anderson's mother wants to have a word with you!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A young female teacher was giving her class of six year olds a quiz "Behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. What is it?" she asked. "An apple" replied little Raymond "No," said the teacher "it's a tomato, but it shows your thinking." "Okay now I've now got something round, a greenish color, and you can eat it." "A grape" replied little Ian "No, it's an onion, but it shows your thinking." Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class says "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end."……………”Dirty little boy," said the teacher "No, it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," Johnny answered.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied "No Sweetheart, both spiders are called Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, Then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, "Well, we're not having any of that Brokeback Mountain sh*t in our garden."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the
express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what you learned from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches the middle of the garden; they have a creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us; they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless…………………..Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

"Life is too short and friends are too few."

 

Aww wow, BC, here I was laughing at the one about the little girl & the spiders, & you come up with what I call a thinker...Very very nice. i like such things.

I gotta say Im partial to that cat joke! lol! As long as they aren't anti-cat, Im cool with it.. ..

OK ready??

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and
asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car
zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!!
Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!!
NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!!
Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to
get a little miffed that the Japanese-made cars were passing
his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they
were turning into the airport. Again, the japanese passenger exclaimed, "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and
said, "that'll be $150."

His Japanese customer dropped his jaw. "$150? Foro short a ride?? Why so much???"

The cabbie replied matter-of-factly,

"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."

~~~~

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, please...grant me one wish. just one wish."

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Please, Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Besides, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when a man asks them what is wrong, and they say 'Nothing'....and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord was silent a moment then asked...

"You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

~~~~~~~~~

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said....Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."...He did so, slowly.

Now take off my socks."...He did.

"Now take off my skirt."...He did.

"Now take off my bra."...Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.

Now," she said, "take off my panties."..He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

 

Aww Shucks can't allow you characters to laugh all day. Great Jokes Felinity, think we've found another permanent resident for the joke thread, Mankind, Darlene and I will pull out another chair. So have a seat, and share some laughs.

 

Well here's a couple more then for the masses. You know we just can't have ya sittin
'round tweaking peoples' systems all day either without sdomething to laugh about besides how lame we all can be...*wink*...lol

Oh yes & I haven't mentioned yet that I have an old tattoo that has an old ex's initials under it that i havent had anything to say it stands for til now. But now I can say they stand for ""M"ajor "G"eeks" "B"*tch.

hehe

~~~~~~~~~~

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the
members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off."

~~~~~~~~~

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking and talking about current cattle prices.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her and says, "Kin ya swaller?"

The woman shakes her head, no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.

The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and runs his tongue all over her butt cheeks in a circular motion.

The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver,' but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

LOL Have to remember that line "Hind Lick Maneuver" thats priceless, always thought M.G.B. was just rotten coffee, but you can always say it stands for My Good Boy, better stop there I just thought of one not fit to post, just have to add the letter "J" he he you figure it out

 

Well two out of three ain't bad!