Jokes

BCGray - do tech? or are you just a pretty face? Where is everyone?

 

Sorry we missed you Darlene, and yes I am "Just a pretty Face" see

 

Did you do that with balloons

 

LMAO....whoa! I think you have a nasty PM comin your way MK!

reminded me of one!


After a big week of crime fighting, Superman was understandably a bit frazzled and decided that he needed to let his hair down and have some fun.
He called up batman and asked if he would like to go out clubbing, and maybe latch on to a few chicks!
'sorry, can't do' was the reply from batman, ' robin is sick, so i've gotta stay home this weekend and look after him'.

Undeterred, superman called up spiderman and asked if he would like to go for a few beers and shoot some pool.
' I would love to, but i have a hot date lined up with catwoman tonight' was the reply.

Now feeling even worse and a little bit toey, superman decided to fly over to wonder womans place and try his luck.
As he landed on wonder womans balcony, he peered through the curtains and saw wonder woman lying naked on the bed with her legs spread!
He thought to himself, ' im superman, im faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there (do my superthing) and be out again before she even knew what was happening'.
With this he was in and out, and flying off with a grin from ear to ear!

Meanwhile in the bedroom wonder woman said 'did you hear something'?

'No' said the invisible man, 'but all of the sudden my arse hurts like hell'!

 

Sheesh Mankind thats our Timmie before Liposuction

 

I'll give you a hint "I'm a dirty old man"

 

Its what Michael Jacksons speech read before he realised what it would sound like,he then edited it so there were no mistakes

 

What happen to those great role models like Babe???

 

Kitty Litter Cake

This is *no joke*

READ THE INGREDIENTS AND STUFF FIRST AND THEN LOOK AT THE PHOTO...

TRUST ME...

DON'T LOOK AT THE PHOTO FIRST, BUT LAST...

This is for all you cooks out there looking for something a little different this Halloween.........



WANT TO HAVE FUN AT A PARTY? PREPARE THIS RECIPE! COMPLETELY EDIBLE, BUT YOUR FRIENDS MAY NOT THINK SO!

CAKE INGREDIENTS:

1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent

SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS"

1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1 NEW pooper scooper

DIRECTIONS

1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.

2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.

3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.

4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable an d hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy!

 

That would be great for Halloween Lev thanks I will add that one to my files

 

That looks just like the one we already have. How fun, going to pass this on to my kids. I'm sure it'll be a hit at school functions. Thanks

 

I think I'll just go straight to serving up the REAL Kitty Litter tray. It's cheaper. And will keep those pesky trick or treaters from returning.....Mwhahahahaha!

 

Hahaha..send them round to my house first for the real kitty litter cake. By the time they get to yours, they will just tuck straight in, no questions asked

 

Guess it would save me having to fill the trash can with kitty poop. But can they just eat the 'chocolate'?...I wanna reuse the cat litter.

 

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY (WRITTEN BY KIDS)


(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you

like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should

keep the chips and dip coming.

- Alan, age 10



(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going

to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out

later who you're stuck with.

- Kristen, age 10



WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?



(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER

by then.

- Camille, age 10



(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get

married.

- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)




HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be

yelling at the same kids.

- Derrick, age 8



WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?



(1) Both don't want any more kids.

- Lori, age 8




WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?


(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to

know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long

enough.

- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)



(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that

usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

- Martin, age 10 (Who said boys do not have brains)




WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRSTWHAT DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?


(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the

newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead

columns.

-Craig, age 9





WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?


(1) When they're rich.

- Pam, age 7 (I could not have said it better myself)



(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess

with that.

- Curt, age 7 (Good Point)



(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should

marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.

- Howard, age 8 (Who made that rule?)



IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?


(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing.

I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all

grossed out.

- Theodore, age 8 (Too much detail for his age)



(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need

someone to clean up after them.

- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)



HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?



(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

- Kelvin, age 8



And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?


(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a

truck.

 

Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went down town and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came down town on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

 

For those of you who have sons & those of you who are happy that you don't.

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like




1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep..
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on ; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.

 

HAHAHA....and the other 20% of men get together and have a baseball match under the ceiling fan !

 

Boys

 

Boys!

 

More Boys

 

Yea aren't we GREAT!!!!!

 

LOL! Boys!...I always did love 'em...*G*

Oh...Here's the latest victim of e coli.
~~~~~~~~~
http://www.geocities.com/wildfelinity/funnystuff/popeyeecoli.jpg

 

That is funny!

 

AHHHH! BOL! That IS funny! *dying laughing here!*

 

Why Men prefer Boys.

 

And Finally . . .

 

Cute, Birdbath...*s*...A couple more jokes for everyone, trying not to get too graphic here as i know kids come here too!

~~~~~~~~

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no clothes on, he thinks fast, and simply freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.

The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

~~~~~~~~~
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, won't eat it if they know what it is – so does not tell them
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"
"You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."
The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's an a**hole!"

~~~~~~~~~~

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of
weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting
comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to
Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the
Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates,
I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar,
"and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so
kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi,
Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a
drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was
Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Buzz off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

OMG thats just WRONG! ROTFLMLWARO!!!

 

She prolly has like full BBQ chickens stuck in those folds

 

yeah & a few bags of collard greens too...BOL

 

The Tale of Men’s “Wee Willy”

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I donna know where y'been laddy...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A distinguished young woman on a flight from
Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course, What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me?”………“Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be
used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?














A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

AND FINALLY FOR OUR TIM

A little old man called Tim, shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, crushed nuts?............................










"No," he replied, "Arthritis"

 

EXCHANGE RATES

WELCOME TO AMERICA, NOW GO HOME!!! (not my words!!!!- Darlene)

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange
so I went to the currency exchange window at the local
bank. Short line... just one guy in front of me...

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was
trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little
agitated.

He asked the teller, "why it change? yesterday I get
two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why
it change?"

The teller says, "fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "fluc you white guys too!

 

So thats what you do in your spare time Darlene, Look Up Mens Trouuuser's

 

Me? NAH!

 

A joke . . for you all

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

 

Aha, didn't see this thread.

 

Great one Heggy, and Welcome to the Major Geek's Nut house, the other Geeks are busy helping people, well us joksters are in here laughing our heads off

 

Okay gang we tricked Timmie into giving us his location with the Major Geeks Map, and Darlene seduced him enough so he gave us a photo. So I suggest we get ourselves a "Neck Tie Party" and mosey on down to Timmies place and have a Timmie party

 

WHY TIMMIE NEEDS A NOTE TO USE THE JOHN

Our Timmie was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom.

He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Tim, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!" our Timmie said

"Tim, Will you please get off the mop bucket." Said the barmaid

 

TIMMIE’S TASER TALE

Last weekend Tim saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked his interest. The occasion was his 99th anniversary and he was looking for a little something extra for his wife. What he came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!

This is Timmie’s story

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries........... right?!!! (Note to all new people to MG Timmie very loosely uses the word “Think” or “Thinking”, we have yet to find a time when he actually does either)

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "No possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking
wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Timmie’s Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-GUN….... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
TimW

 

Timmie has How many Kids???

Our Timmie has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He's so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. Timmie decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
Shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

 

Tim Said She Said

Timmie and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 99th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
"Here Lies My Husband TimW Stiff At Last.'"