Jokes

Heya Tim yea wanta quit.............Or is it a Joke Shoot-Out at a hundred paces.............Darn the guy is sleeping again

 

LOL Tim, Them thars duelling words, choose your "Jokes" carefully my friend, my Keyboard is hot, and my Joke ammo's dry, so you'd better get your beauty sleep. I'll meet you on the Major Geeks Joke street at "High Noon" and only one Jokster will be left standing

 

Timmie and the Candle

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs.
Timmie and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, Well now, Mrs. Timmie, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles,10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

An invisible man called TimW marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

The Pastor Tim's Ass

The Pastor Timmie entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR Tim'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR Tim'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TimW woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

Timmie and the Chickens

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to Timmie’s wife, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"Wow!! This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"Timmie and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
Timmie’s wife smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

 

Timmies Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane, energy efficient kind, but this week, I got a call from the contractor, who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. HELLLOOOO, just because I'm TimW doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year....

namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!! HELLLOOOO? It's been a year! (I told him.) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up..

He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument

 

Timmie and the Horses

TimW was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Darlene written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Darlene was the name of
one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
good explanation.

Three days later Timmie was watching a ball game on TV when his wife walked
up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

 

Aww and I was just warming-up

 

TimW and his Boat


BCGray walks into a bar and sees TimW sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. BCGray says, "Tim, what are you so happy for?"

"Well BCGray, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, BCGray. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, BCGray. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either sex or swim!' She couldn't swim, BCGray. She couldn't swim!"

The next day BCGray walks into a bar and sees TimW sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. BCGray says,
"What are you happy about today TimW?"

"Well BCGray.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, BCGray. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, BCGray. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either sex or swim!' She couldn't swim, BCGray! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and BCGray walks into a bar and sees TimW down there cryin' over a beer. BCGray says, "TimW, what are you so sad for?"


"Well BCGray, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, BCGray. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out, BCGray, way WAY out... much further than the last two I turned off the key, an d looked at her tits and said It's either sex or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, BCGray! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim BCGray! I can't swim!"

 

Tims Writing

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe in a hdeurnd can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was wrdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the lt teres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

 

Hey both those pics are about a fellow called "Redneck" is he yur brother Timmie

 

Hey,

 

Our Timmie on a country ride

TimW and his wife were driving down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, TimW asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

 

Sorry Darlene, guess you got caught in the Crossfire, women and children had better abandon ship

 

Our Timmie Bungee Jumping


TimW and his pal Redneck are bungee-jumping one day. Tim says to the Redneck, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”
The Redneck guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need, tower, elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the square. As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them work. After they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a demonstration.

TimW jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the Redneck guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Redneck
guy isn't able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the Redneck guy misses him. TimW falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up-he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the Redneck guy finally catches him this time and says,
"What happened? Was the cord too long?"
TimW replies, "No, the cord was fine ... But what the Hell is a piñata?"

 

In his finest Yogi Bear voice:- See I tolya Bubba The boy just doesn't have it I tellya, just doesn't have the Stamina I tellya , just doesn have it

 

I'm an innocent bystander.

 

I am glad you guys don't know me very well.

 

Yea Right Darlene, wasn't you awhile back that got our Timmie so excited with the scantily clad lady and your paint brush. In his best John Wayne voiceI tellya nothing gets a guy festered, like some dude that comes along and steals his gal yup and in his best Rod Sterling voice BM all is known in the "Twilight Zone" be afraid very afraid Now where the heck did that scoundrel Timmie get to

 

There was an Aussie, Italian and an American all standing on a cliff
the Americain says to the Italian
"i bet you i can jump off this cliff and a gust of wind will bring me back to safety"
"ok lets see" replies the Italian
so the American jumps off the cliff and before he hits the bottom wooooosh hes back standing on the cliff beside the other two men
"holy crap, do it again i wanna see it again" demands the Italian
"ok" says the American
so he jumps off the cliff again, and sure enough a gust of wide pushes him back to the top of the cliff
the Italian is amazed "i have to try it" he says
so the Italian jumps of the cliff......down....down....down...splat the Italian falls to his death.

meanwhile at the top of the cliff.

The Aussie turns to the American and say
"God your a real b@stard superman"


i know, i know, its old but its still a good one i think

Alwayz Brooke

 

Great Classic brksta, and welcome to the "Funny Farm"

 

thanks,

by the looks of it timmy (or TimW) is the butt of all the jokes...poor timmy

but i'm sure he gives as much as he gets

 

You haven't met our Timmie yet brksta, consider yourself one of the blessed, he is only one and a Bug(ger), but he is ours and we love him, just don't tell him though.

 

lol....ok my lips are sealed

although i hope to meet him soon.

 

lol....nice real nice

glad to finally meet the 1 & only timmie though.

ill check the pm now, sorry didnt notice

 

lol.....HaHaHa lets all pick on the new girl
and make her cry....boohooboohoo

the funny thing is thats probably something i'd say and not realize it.(or should that be the sad thing is)...lol

 

I'm going to look for that, as I recall it was you who said something like give crayons, WHERE'S YOUR WIFE?????

 

AH-HA!!!

 

yep sure am

oh no i shouldn't of addmitted that

uh oh here come the blonde jokes. Noooooooooo!

to bad i have to go to bed now seems as its 3:00am my time and i have to get up to a 3mth old and a 17mth old in the morn...yea!...fun

dont worry that'll give you plenty of time to find a whole stack of blonde joke...yipee

hahaha

Goodnight!

Alwayz brooke

 

Don't be so quick, they're picking on the new girl.

 

There was this lady from California will call her Darlene, she decided that she needed to add some “Spice” to her life, so she signed up to a Geek site. Well the lady was really a novice you see, and couldn’t post pictures to save her tea. Well the dapper, intelligent, kind, sweet, athletic, handsome BCGray came by and helped our poor maiden Darlene and showed her the “Right” way. But then the Evil, conniving, wizened red necked Timmie came along and taught our fair maiden a trick or two. Now the fair maiden Darlene has found “Search” and relentlessly harasses our hero BCGray with doctored quotes our hero would never say, well the Evil Timmie cackles in the background.

MORAL:- California girls are nice, but give me a Canuck wife to save my life, and if
you ever run into a one year old Bug………RUN for your life

 

TimW And BCGray Driving


Two elderly men were out driving in a large car, both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. BCGray in the passenger seat thought to himself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. BCGray in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was
really concerned that he was losing it.!
He was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, he turned to the other
man and said, "TimW, do you know that we just ran through three red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
TimW turned to BCGray and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

 

TimW’s POLICE CALL


An elderly TimW called 911 on his cell phone to report that his car
has been broken into. He is hysterical as he explains his situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he cried.
The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Sir, an officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard.", He said. "He got in the back-seat by mistake."