Jokes

Pumpkin Pi

 

Kids will say the darnedest Things

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Manure," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live with us," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar on ours."

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The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked. "I bought it with the quarter you gave me." "The quarter I gave
you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

 

A Hunting WE shall go………….


A husband wakes up one morning at 4am to get out hunting and is surprised to see his wife sitting at the table with camouflages on and a pack at her side.

"What are ya doin love"?; asks the man.

"I'm comin huntin hunny"; she replies. "You've never taken me with you and it's about darned time I learned to hunt!"

After a long debate, the guy realizes that he is not going to win this one, thus, brings her along.

He gets her all set up in the blind and leaves to get up in his own spot. About half an hour later he hears a shot, and a commotion from the area he had set his wife up in. He runs over and see's his wife standing on a branch, gun aimed at some poor sod on the ground.

"GET AWAY FROM MY DEER MR.", she yells. "I SHOT IT FAIR N SQUARE AND IT'S MINE"


The man replies frantically afraid for his life; "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT ALREADY LADY..SHEESH..JUST LET ME GET MY SADDLE OFF OF THE DAMNED THING THEN?"

 

Remember the ant and the grasshopper?

OLD VERSION . .

The ant works hard, in the withering heat, all summer long. He builds his
house and stores supplies for the winter, The grasshopper thinks that the ant is a fool. He laughs, dances and plays the summer away, preparing nothing for the coming winter.

Winter comes, the ant is safe and warm. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

The moral to the story being:
BE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOURSELF!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW VERSION . . .


The ant works hard, in the withering heat, all summer long. He builds
his house and stores supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks that the ant is a fool. He laughs, dances and
plays the summer away, preparing nothing for the coming winter.

Winter comes, the ant is safe and warm. The shivering grasshopper calls
a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed
to be warm and fed, while others are cold and starving!

CBS, NBC, ABC & CNN show up to provide pictures of shivering grasshoppers, next to a video of an ant in his comfortable home, with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by th e sharp contrast! How can this be, that in a country of such we alth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer this way?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah, with the grasshopper. Everyone cries
when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green".

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where
the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome".

Jesse then has the group pray for the grasshopper's sake, and reminds
the group to contribute to his group, so that he can "continue the fight"
for grasshoppers, everywhere!

Ted Kennedy & John Kerry exclaim, in an interview with Tom Brokaw,
that the ant has gotten rich, off the back of the poor grasshopper!

Both call for an immediate ta x hike, to make the ant pay "his fair share"!

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity For Grasshoppers Act",
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire the proportionate number of green
bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his house is
confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper, in
a defamation suit against the ant. The case is tried in federal court,
with a jury comprised of unemployed welfare recipients.

Surprise! The ant loses the case!

The story ends, as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ant's food, while the government house he lives in (which happ ens to be
the ant's old house) crumbles aroun d him, due to lack of maintenance!

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found, dead,
in a drug-related incident. The house, now abandoned, is taken over by a
gang of spiders, who terrorize this once-peaceful neighborhood.

THE END

 

Did Ya Know That????

156 years ago!

Do you know what happened in California way back in 1850?

California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So, basically, it was just like California today except

The women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.

 

Ouch sadly both almost toooooooo true to be funny, but I did say almost great ones meandog

 

I am what I am


Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband, "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am"?

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied, "Judging from your skin, 20; your hair, 18; your eyes, 16 and your figure, 25."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying, "Whoa, hold on there sweetie! I haven't added them up yet!"

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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?".

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction
and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look good. Following her final cosmetic operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was struck and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"

God replied, "Girrrl, I didn't even recognize you!!!"

 

I saw this a could only think of one person……………………………..OUR TIMMIE

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

 

Yea Right, thought you'd get a chuckle out of that one

 

Good ones BCGray

 

Subject: FW: Girls Night Out

Why women should avoid a girls night out after they are married! The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed..3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNITE!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in , and I told him "Midnight ." He didn't seem upset at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. sh#@ ! ", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

Look Out for this scam
READ CAREFULLY!

I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this maybe useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!!

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built guys come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk.


They both are shirtless and start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly-defined chest muscles and rock-hard abs exposed. It's impossible not to look.


When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco.


You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you!! While this is going on the other guy steals your purse!!

I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most Likely Tomorrow.



GOING SHOPPING TODAY FOR SOME MORE PURSES!!![/SIZE]

 

Late Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who
had died while traveling through the area. The funeral was to be held at
a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to
be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost;
and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived
an hour late.

I saw the crew, eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the
side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I
assured the workers I would not hold them long but this was the proper
thing to do.

As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch, I
poured out my heart and soul. I preached, the workers began to say
"Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I preached, like
I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
I felt I had done my duty for the homeless man and that the crew would
be left with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my
tardiness.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard
one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like
this before... and I've been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years."

 

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job four years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and talk smart with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college, he doesn’t even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete’s sake, you don’t need him anymore. You’re a United States senator from New York. Act like it!

 

Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border
from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.

I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.

So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:

1. Free medical care for my entire family.

2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.

3. All government forms need to be printed in English.

4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.

5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.

6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.

7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.

8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.

9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.

10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.

11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.

12 I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.

13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the
economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with the Vice President.

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,

A frustrated legal American

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLENE

For our resident Jokster

 

Thank you again!

 

The quality of jokes in this thread are slowly going down hill.. *hint* *hint* peeps
-Thanks

 

Okay..........Kodo so were is your contribution *hint* *hint*...........Message from a peep (possibly an unfunny one )

 

I'm a legal permanent resident, and understand your frustration, having gone through the hoops galore. However, these problems were evident long before President Bush got his hands on them You could address that to pretty much any former President, for the record.

 

And this is funny how? Sorry but-
I lived in San Diego when I was young and you could walk, drive whatever across the boarder 24-7 with no ID of any kind.
You could go to a pharmacy and get medicine for a fraction of the cost as in the US.
No problem finding english speaking because a lot of their livelihood depends on the American dollar.
I could go on, but let me say a lot of what is being spread is solely propaganda.
I also lived in Salinas, Ca. (the salad bowl of America) where the mexican population was 60% most migrant workers.
Illegals can not receive welfare, their taxes are paid through their employer, although they can never draw social security and as for medical yes some woman give birth in local hospitals but more often then not they are turned away.
True story here, - a mexican laborer and his small daughter became ill, they couldn't go any where for help so the father (in fear of being discovered) dug a hole in the ground and him and his child hid there. How sad is that??
God all mighty, they're people, who if not for them we would be paying $5.00 for a tomato.
Unrealistically I know but we are all earthlings and should have access to it, not just the ones with money.
Redd Foxx once said, "if blue men would come to earth, we would bann together and hate the blue men"

 

Hey hey gang lets just chill a second here, meandogs humour is his, and he hasn't criticized anybody else's. The the joy of humour is that it push's the boundaries with a laugh, now meandogs last posted satirical joke was not that funny to me, but then I am certain my "Blonde" jokes are not funny to a blonde.

Meandog you have posted some good ones Bro, but as you can see most do not appreciate the caustic satirical ones..................................

MEAN WHILE BACK AT COMEDY CENTRAL

Well it happened this way.

One day I was riding a horse and the buckle on the saddle loosened on me. As I was riding the saddle started to slip. The saddle was eventually on the horse’s side.

I hung on for dear life.

Before I knew it I was upside down. I could not get the horse to stop. I was now under the
horse hanging on for dear life. As the horse galloped on, I almost got one of the hooves in the head.

There was only one thing that saved my life that day.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Guess what it was.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The guy from Wal-Mart unplugged the machine.

 

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
my husband asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I we re at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked
my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said "No". < /SPAN>
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST T ESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherm an and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 

THE REDHEAD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches o ut, grabs it out out of the air and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back

in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "

"No, "she replies. . . "

"You just happened to catch my eye."

 

Q. Why don't skeletons like parties?
A. They have no body to dance with.

Q. What was the witches favorite subject in school?
A. Spelling.

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos.

Q. What do ghouls order at McMonsters?
A. Handburgers.

Q. Why did the tiny ghost join the football squad?
A. He had heard that they needed a little team spirit!

Q. Did you hear about the ghost photographer?
A. The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

Q. What does a cannibal get when he comes home late for dinner?
A. The cold shoulder.

Q. Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
A. He was buttering up his teacher.

Q. What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
A. Pumpkin pi.

Q. What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A. A monster laughing his head off.

Q. Why are so few ghosts arrested?
A. It's hard to pin anything on them.

Q. Why did the ghost cross the road?
A. To get to "THE OTHER SIDE".

Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A. For the boos.

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Q. Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin.

 

Love that one Darlene, see you still got it even on your Birthday Grandma *snicker*

Dang girl your posting them to fast for this "Old Fart", my post was for the Glass Eye one

 

I love that joke, I heard it as a blonde joke, good dam thing I'm not blonde.

 

Re: Bush

Sorry if I made anyone mad.
When I read it i thought it was funny.
I didnt know it would offend anyone.

 

I'm sorry for over reacting. Hatred is everywhere and growing daily. It troubles me for these people, any people who are treated badly.

 

Hey meandog just chaulk it up to a "funky sunday", and NO offense was taken by me, but then I am a "Crazy Canuck"

 

This sums it up

 

Halloween Terms Explained:

Bobbing Apples:
What happens when you leave your bra off while running.


Boogieman:
A guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.


Coffin:
What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.


Frankenstein:
Hot dog and a mug of beer.


Full moon:
What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.


Goblin:
How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.


Invisible Man:
What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."


Jack O' Lantern:
An Irish Pumpkin.


Jack the Ripper:
What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.


Mummy:
The one who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.


Pumpkin Patch:
What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.


Skeleton:
Any supermodel.


Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.


Witch:
Your Mother-in-Law!!


Zombie:
What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

 

"TimW’s Halloween Costume Problems"
Hey Tim the goblins made me do it...........honest



There's a man called Timmie with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume Company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear TimW:

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Timmie thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so
he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear TimW:

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so he writes the company another nasty, letter of complaint.

The next day he received a small parcel and a Note which reads:


Dear TimW:

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head,
Stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

 

Let me make sure I have this right, the REAL you is the last pic right

 

Halloween Moon

 

They Eat There Own
For those that missed this yesterday on the opening page

 

Been Nailed

 

Show Me The Money



A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!"

 

Trick-or-Treat

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute.Who are you suppose to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just too darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black.

Heads hung low, they leave.

Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED!! "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks.

"Chocolate M&M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."

 

The Bacon Tree (A Groaaannnneeerrrr)

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet". "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.


There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree"."Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but,
true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

v
v
v
v
v
v



Ees, a Ham Bush

 

Love it, saved it................gotta get me one of them thar hot scooters to pick-up "Old" chicks" with, only thing is once I getem what the heck am I supposed to do withem again..............Timmie said something about a penile whatcha ma call it, and I'm still looking far it

 

7 KINDS OF SEX
New research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:



The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone
and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When
you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And l ast, but not least

The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

 

Unique Breakfast

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that
read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he
wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken!
Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even
consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's
mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

 

NEW WORDS FOR 2007​

BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.​

SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.​

ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.​

SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.​

CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.​

PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also
applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)​

SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids or start a "home business".​

STRESS PUPPY.

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.​

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.​

ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.​

404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.​

OHNOSECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')​

BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3am.​

BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you
got here, and where you've come from.​

JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.​

MONKEY BATH.

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo!
Aa!Aa!Aa!".​