Jokes

Baptist Bathroom


A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and
her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She
wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but
couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she
decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode. " Once written down
she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation
"B.C." and wrote, "Does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what
she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom
suggested the lady
was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was letterhead on
the paper which referred to a Baptist Church.

So he sent this reply.

Dear Madam:
The BC. is located nine miles from the campground in a beautiful grove of
trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going
regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350
people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of
each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The
acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages.
It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there. We are
also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have
holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to
attend regularly. It's been a good six months since she last went. It
pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it
seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. Perhaps I could
accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to
all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We
offer a very friendly campground.

Camp Director

 

Subject: The Texan in a VW


A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen
Beetle, pulls up next to a
guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the
guy in the Rolls, "Hey,
you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course
I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags
the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and
the guy in the Volkswagen

says, "So, do you have a double bed in
back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do
you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back
here," the Texan replies.

The light turns and the man in the
Volkswagen takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to
be one-upped, so he
immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders
them to put a double bed
in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally
done. He picks up his car
and drives all over town looking for the
volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the
road, so he pulls his
Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all
fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of
his newly modified Rolls
and
taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.



The man in the Volkswagen finally opens
the window a crack and
peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey,
remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the
Texan, "What's up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed
installed in my Rolls."

"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF
THE SHOWER TO TELL ME That!

 

Subject: OFFICE XMAS PARTY



FROM: Pauline Lewis, Office Manager

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 3, 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the senior partner shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $15.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The senior partner will make a special announcement at the Party!

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

*********************************************************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Office Manager

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 4, 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Pauline

**********************************************************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Office Manager

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 12, 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'd be happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that $15.00 is too much money and Management believe $15.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

**********************************************************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Office Manager

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 27, 2005

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile:

1. I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet.

2. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets.

3. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

4. Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

5. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too.

6. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross-dressing allowed.

7. We will have booster seats for short people.

8. Menus will be in Braille for anyone who happens to be blind.

9. And will the person who claims to be a black, lesbian, disabled, dyslexic, single parent please note that a diversity/inclusivity crèche will be available to accommodate your unfortunate brat.

10. I have asked meals on wheels to deliver to those of you who are skipping off sick.

11. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet.

12. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.

13. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.

14. Yes, white heterosexual males will be acknowledged as a minority.

15. I suggest alcoholics, gamblers, junkies, smokers do us all a favor and boycott the event and remain outside in the street with your fellow dregs of humanity.

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

16. Sorry, I forgot about the Irish, but there is nothing that can be done for them.

Pauline.

**********************************************************

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Office Manager

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: December 13, 2005

RE: The F******* Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks.

I've had it with you f****** people !!! We're going to keep this f****** party at the f****** Grill House whether you f****** like it or not, so you can f****** sit quietly at the f****** table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic f****** tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink, drive and die.

I don't give a flying f**k.

The Bitch from HELL

**********************************************************

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Office Manager

DATE: November 9, 2005

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party.

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

 

aw, poor dog

 

So this must be one of those "B.C.Grey" areas 've heard about.

 

When going to Univ in B.C.(British Columbia my Province) I had know problems with the "BC" moniker, but when attending Univ in the UK I had to tell them that B.C. stood for Before Cr*p or I was getting the Commode joke all the time

 

Well I did come first ya know, then along came the other guy, and everybody forgot about me!!!!

Hey they even named years after moi.......Sheesh how fleeting fame is

 

Dang your memory is worse than mine, I'm the one looking for the Penile Thingy you swiped you dang Bug.............

 

Man I would call it petrified wood, Looooooooong, Haaaaaaaaaard, and as tough as a "Rock", I can just see the fair Damsel's of Major Geeks swooning now

 

Well when I last saw her she had a .............Knew you swiped it you Bug.........

 

Not in My Funk & Wagnel it ain't

 

Adult Dog Store

 

wish list

 

An elderly man in North Maine had owned a large farm for several
years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe pit
and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old man decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up
he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

Hot Hot Hot

 

Sorry if already posted

Mother superior greets a new recruit
"Sister Tereas... Ours is a silent order. We believe in silence and hard work. We start work at five am and finish work half an hour before evening prayer at 900pm. Do you accept these terms?'
Sister Teresa nods her head.
After five year mother superior calls her aside and says. "Its been five years since you entered our order. You may now speak two words."
Sister Teresa says, "Food cold."
Mother superior nods and says, "That's true so from now on you may have two hot meals a week."
Five years pass and Mother superior calls her aside again and says, "You may now speak two more words."
Sister Teresa replies, "Bed hard."
Mother superior nods and says, "You shall have a new matress."
Another five years pass and Mother superior calls her aside and says, "You may now speak another two words."
Sister Teresa replies, "I quit."
Mother superior nods and says, "Well it's for the best. You've done nothing since bitch and complain since you've been here."

 

One of my favs

 

Great ones goose, glad you joined our looney geek thread, were the geek bone is connected to the funny bone.

 

Thanks Bcg. It's a long thread and it's got some home work to catch up and to judge where's the envelope on riske-vaciousness is... Here goes.

Rod works into a bar with a crocodile on a leash. The bar tender looks down and shouts,"Hey sport. Out of here with that. Crocodiles are dangerous."
"Not this one," says Rod ,"He's been trained."
"Get out of it," replies the barman,"You can't train a crocodile."
"Cause you can and I'll prove it by placing my member inside this crocodiles mouth for thirty seconds. Anyone up for a bet of twenty bucks?"
Rodney spreads ten twenty dollar bills on the ground and the crowd scramble to place a twenty on top.
"Right", says Rodney and he lifts up his walking stick and taps the crocodile on the head three times. The crocodiles jaws spring open. He gets down on his knees unzips his fly and places his delicates inside the crocodiles mouth. He then taps the crocodile on the head and its jaws spring closed leaving a gap of only a centimetre on each side of his flesh. After thirty seconds he taps the crocodile on the head three more times and it's jaws spring open.
Rodney stands and zips up. As he picks up the cash he says, "Would anyone else like a go?"
An old lady at the bar says, "I'll have a go if you don't hit me on the head with the stick."

 

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

"Just for that, I'm not going."








Wouldn't you just ring that lil b@st*rds neck...hehe

 

Speaking of lil b's

It's the first day of school and the teacher hold up the letter 'A' and says "Can anyone tell me what this says?"
Tom hold up a hand and says "That's an 'A' Miss."
"Very good Tommy now can anyone tell me a word starting with the letter 'A'?"
Tom holds up his hand and says, "Arsehole...Miss."
The teacher thinks well he's right so I can't punish him. She ignores him and holds up the next letter asking, "Can anyone tell me what this is?'
Tommy yells out, "That's a 'B' Miss."
"Good Tommy...and can anyone tell me a word beginning with 'B' ?'
"Um.... Buggery?" he asks.
The teacher nods her head once and thinks to herself, "Well I'm not going to hold up the letter C for that little mongrel." So she holds up a 'D' and asks? "What is this letter?'
Tom calls out 'D' and the teacher says 'That's correct now can anyone tell me a word that starts with a D?'
"Dwarf?" Tom ventures.
"That's very very good. Dwarf does start with the letter 'D'. Look class Tommy has done very well. Now Tommy can you tell the class what a dwarf is?
Tommy replies, 'Isn’t that one of those little c......

 

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for VIAGRA.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.

 

Have to remember to tell Timmie that, the boys shoes are always wet

 

I know I am stepping in something here, but after thinking about it for a few days, I still decided to post about it.

I know I have an odd sence of humor, I tell jokes that are funny as heck to me, and my friends just stare at me. But I thought this joke was funny. Stereo types can be funny if not taken too far. I live in the country, in a single wide trailer, but I love redneck jokes.

The world just seems to get more and more PC everywhere. So, would I deny an illegal immagrants child health care to save his or her life... no, life is sacred. Ask any dead person.

We do have an immigration problem with the Latino countries. They come here to make a lot more than they can at home. How to address that, I do not know. Hell, one of my friends, let's call him 'Satan' is an illegal worker, I take him to lunch almost every day.

And he even laughed at the joke...

Sorry if I started any controversy, but after thinking about it for a while, I still wanted to post about it.

Have a great one!

E

 

"Humour is like fighting with a rubber sword, you make your point and know one gets hurt" is a saying I like, but some have very sensitive skin and don't like rubber.

 

Thats disgusting but indeed a very good "attention" lesson!

 

John works as tech support. One day he is called to have a look at Helen's computer. A few minutes later he says, 'There. It shouldn't give you and more problems now.... Um... listen... would you like to catch a movie or something someday after work.'
"I'm usually too busy.'
'Well maybe another time.'
'Maybe.'
Every week John calls and Helen dodges the offers. After twenty weeks she thinks, 'Maybe if I go out with him once that will shut him up.'
Sure enough her phone rings and she says,'Look you can take me to a movie this Friday.'
John can't believe his luck. On Friday, he buys a bouquet that costs hundreds of dollars.
He knocks on Helen's door holding the bouquet.
Helen opens the door and is taken aback. None of her boyfriends have ever bought her flowers. "For me?' she says.
'Yes.'
She pulls John inside and slams the door. She unzips her skirt then steps out of this and her underwear. She lies down on the couch and slowly parts her legs.'This is for the flowers.'
Johns looks at her thigh and says, 'Haven't you got a vase?'

 

VERY SAD NEWS
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason,they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

 

Short ,Sweet and Salient, WOW and all in one joke, great job darlene

 

Plus I held my mud!

 

Yes, you did, and were all proud of you

 

Firehouse Dogs

The neighborhood kids had congregated in the front yard when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting on the front seat was a Dalmation. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties in connection with the fire truck.

"They use him to keep the crowds back when they go to a fire," said a five-year-old girl.

"No," said another, "they carry him for good luck."

The third, a boy about six, brought the argument to an abrupt end. "They use the dog," he said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

 

It was hard, have zingers in my pocket

 

think my jokes have gone to the dogs

 

I am probably the only one who finds this funny.

 

Finally, a religious traffic sign

 

I probly would if I understood

 

The cartoon is "The Family Circus" the lamest comic strip ever. The Lovecraft quote underneath the picture is just funny if you read Lovecraft. The quote is from the climax of the story when the guy finaly understands he going insane. Hence the crying kid.

After that explanation it's really not funny except to other idiots like me.

Maybe Fred_G will find it funny. No offence Fred_G.

 

looked uo Lovecraft- came up with an author and a psychedelic rock band

 

Now that I can relate to that. I actually have a sticker on the back of my truck (heck, I told you I was part Redneck!) That says "Maybe you would drive better with that phone up your a$$!"

Have a good one!

E

 

I laughed so hard I think I burst something internally.

That is damn funny, and I get it.

Cthulhu and the Elder Gods will come again!

 

Thanks Man.

Some of those paperback covers would make for great Tattoos, Eh?

Cthulhu and the Elder Gods will come again!

 

New Element in Periodic Table

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of
the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been
named "Bushcronium." Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,
74 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an
atomic mass of 311. It has no protons, so it has no measurable
positive energy.

The neutrons are held together by dark forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is "W". Bushcronium's mass actually
increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements
in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium
molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of
moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is
formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass". When
catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element
that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent
noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.