Jokes

Yeah, some of the artwork is great stuff, but I don't think I want to have Hastur the Unnamed One on my shoulder or something....

 

@ abri -New Element in Periodic Table-
so good!

 

ROFLMAO...nutter

 

Mankind said -God, I just love happy endings.
Me Too, that was good

 

Last Day On The Job

 

OMG...could have been a lot worse at our place then....

 

Darlene,
great pictures!
I especially liked the Walgreens one.
LOL!
abri

 

Everyone Great jokes. Please post some more. They are really funny and interesting.

 

Potentially and Realistically....

A boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your
mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then
ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that
money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep
with him in a heart beat! Are you nuts?!?"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a
million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to
his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on
three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two sluts
and a poof."

 

Terror Alert in Pittsburgh PA
...Pittsburgh Steeler football practice was delayed
nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white
powdery substance on the practice field. Head Coach Bill Cowher
immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal
investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined

that the white substance unknown to the Steeler players was
the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team
was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season.

 

Ok, this isn't a joke, but it's cool.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

 

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

 

Things Adults Learn From Kids



There is no such thing as child-proofing your house


If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite


A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant


If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape


It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room


Baseballs make marks on ceilings


You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on


When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit


A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.


The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan


When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late


Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it


A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies


A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day


If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes


A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep


Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old Duplos will not


Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence


Super glue is forever


McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know


Ditto Tarzan


No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water


Pool filters do not like Jello


VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do


Garbage bags do not make good parachutes


Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving


You probably do not want to know what that odor is


Always look in the oven before you turn it on


Plastic toys do not like ovens


The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time


The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy


It will however make cats dizzy


Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy


Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry


A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

 

If Men Truly Ran The World

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle,you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words... Free Beer.

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

 

While we are on the men-bashing theme....

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt? "

He yelled back, " University of Oregon ."

 

Me too

 

Q How would you make a woman have an orgasm?

A Who cares?

Q What is the most used oral contraceptive?

A No.

Q Do these two questions form a circle?



Q What do lawyers use for contraception?

A Their personalities.

 

A woman awakes and finds her husband's side of the bed is empty. She sees a light coming from the kitchen so she puts on her robe and tip toes down the hall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye then takes a sip from a cup of tea.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers.

The husband looks up. "Do you remember when we were dating and you were only 16?"
"Yes."
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat making love?"
"Yes," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either
you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years?"
"I remember."
He wiped another tear from his cheek. "I would have been out today."

 

Hey great ones gang its nice to see some new posters to the "Old Funny Thread"

The Nerve

The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.
"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel.
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.
"Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

"Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.

"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."


And for My Redneck Buddy Mankind

You might be a REDNECK if...

Your wedding invitations says "Same Time - Same Place."

Tires were mentioned in your divorce settlement.

Your rehearsal dinner was at Hooters.

You signed your marriage license on the hood of a car.

Your wedding cake was made by Sara Lee.

Your will states that your wife can't touch your money…………………………………

Until she's fourteen.

 

There are three types orgasm:

The Yes orgasm "Oh yes,oh yes"

The no orgasm "Oh no,oh no"

And the fake orgasm "Oh BC,oh BC"

 

Why you should shut down your computer at night!

When you go to bed at night and forget to shut down your computer, I think you ought to know what actually goes on. It's 2 AM and do you know where your icons are and what they are doing? Click on this site http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm
And you will see what happens when you leave the computer on during the Night.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOG71Y0RHuE

 

Gee thanks Rikky, didn't know that my UK ladies had a Fan club for me there

Great Link some people just have to much time on their hands!!!!

 

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b214/Rikky_/bigemo_harabe_net-03.gif

 

Is that you sonny boy!!!!

 

Huh?

 

Health Warning

A Must read

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females are using a Date **** drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. !!!

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

For a video demonstration to see how Beer works click on this http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf


This ones for Bladesofhalo

 

I don't get the swf. Shouldn't she morph into someone attractive. Brittany...ewww.

Every day a man walks up close to a woman in his office, draws in a large breath and says,'Your hair smells nice today.'
After a week of this she goes to HR. 'Make him stop or I'll sue for sexual harrassment.'
The HR supervisor asks, "Okay I'll get him to stop but it's not much of a sexual harrassment. Who is it?'
"It's Keith the dwarf."

 

Beer? I only chug on Henessy. And not even 8 cups of beer would turn that woman into a babe
Besides, im sexier than her, even with the bag over my head

 

This is for B.C and Mankind (But mostly B.C.)

What does a Newfie say after she loses her virginity?

"Get off me Dad, your crushin' me smokes!"

 

For those Non-Canucks/Canadians we love to poke fun at two areas of our Great country. One is Newfoundland a large island off the east coast of Canada, we call the residents of that Isalnd "Newfie's" there kinda a gentler version of the classic American Redneck. The other area that most Canucks like to poke fun at, is those characters like "BirdBath" that live in Toronto Canada's largest city, the big TO, there kinda like the American New Yorker. Then there are those God like creatures who live in the Nirvana called British Columbia "sibeer" and Moi being two notable ones, and all other Canucks are just plain green with envy, that they too can not be God like, like the residents of the Holy place called B.C.

PS:- Love yea "BirdBath" even if you do live in the Big TO

 

http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b214/Rikky_/umpasmiles.jpg

 

As B.C. left out the American equivalent of British Columbia let me fill you in a little.

Think Haight-Ashbury San Fransisco circa 1967. When they are not busy trying to "Legalize It" they are over-run with Hollywood type Yuppie Marketing agents trying to sell B.C. as "The Toronto That Cares"


P.S Love Yea to B.C.

 

Rikky, More like:

 

Hey BirdBath old Timmie is going to be P*ssed that you posted a picture of him in his finest at his daughters wedding.

 

It was the only picture that Tim was wearing clothes in. Must of been the start of the party. The rest are un-postable here.

 

I think maybe MA opened my Xmas present to him early, and drank some of Canada's famous elixir

 

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk." Worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:

1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A".

 

Redneck & the Hangman

For Major Geeks resident Redneck Mankind

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. To be shot.
2. To be hung.
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me."
Snap! He was dead.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid........................ I'm wearing a condom!!!"

A Planting We Shall go

A city Redneck moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 10 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."

The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!!"

"Naw," says the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart."

 

TimW’s Birthday Gift

For our one and only TimW

TimW and his Wife hasn't been getting along for years,

So Timmie thinks, "I'll buy my wife a
Cemetery plot for her birthday."

You can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again
And he doesn't get her anything.

She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?"

TimW says, "Why should I?................................You didn't use what I got you last year."

TimW’s Lip Gloss

An old cowhand called Timmie came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. Timmie then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Timmie," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

 

BC,
The German/Italian/Redneck one!! hahahaha
Great one!
LOL
abri

 

Here's a joke that has been adjusted for political correctness . .

Three people walk into a bar, one of them is slightly stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a sense of tedious inevitability...

 

Thought you'd like that Timmie, and http://img509.imageshack.us/img509/1925/tongue1is9.gif back at you

 

God, am I ever glad I don't get have the love you do, Tim...

Some times it is nice to languish in obscurity I guess