Jokes

>>>> A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex.
> >>>> It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the
> > days
> >>>> that started with the letter "T"
> >>>>
Example of those days are:

Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow

Thaturday and Thunday

 

Sure you've seen a lot of these jokes, but I thought of this when I read a post by Insomniac to Devistation


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.

He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with
a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?" "Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more
than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle:

"Me"

 

Let me tell you a story about the sesame street buss...

One day as the driver of the sesame street buss was about to make his rounds he just knew that he was going to have a bad day...

As he came to the first stop two obese twins named patty got on board..

At his next stop he picked up a mentally challenged boy named ross…

His next stop was by far his worst because on walked lester sleeze who, after boarding and finding his seat, procceded to take off his shoes and start picking his bunions.

The driver was so distracted that he smacked dead into a street post.

When questioned about the calamity the officer asked what exactly caused the accident.

The driver answered: “Well, after I had made all my pick-ups for the morning I looked into the rear view mirror and was amazed that I had:

Two obese Patties, special ross. Lester sleeze picking his bunions on the sesame street buss…

 

Not a joke at all....just you trying to get people to sign up to your online game

 

boo hoo hoo hoo that's sick!
lolol
took me a moment to get it lol
abri

 

If you typed the things after the "unix%" at the command line on a UNIX computer system then the responses are what you would get.

The first one is that ( and ) are used to mark beginning and end of commands and that you have too many of the ( since there is no matching ).

The second is trying to use the UNIX command to delete (rm = remove) a file called god, which in general does not exist.

The third is trying to use the UNIX single character substitution at the "?" and clearly cannot find a matching file beginning with light and ending with any character.

The fourth is using the UNIX job (background task) number selection character % and consequently there is no such job called blow.

The final one is uing the UNIX command sleep to pause a process but needed a number to tell UNIX how long to sleep for. The word "with" is not a number, that is, a bad character.

Computers are pretty dumb

 

Hahahaha ... You're the one who will teach me UNIX

Here's another joke I like:

Man is talking to god..asks..god, whats a million years to u...god says.. a million years is like a second...man asks.. god, whats a million dollars to u..god says..a million dollars to me is like a penny...man asks...god, can u lend me a penny....god says ..sure..just a second...


abri

 

Always gets a giggle when you say the punch line quickly...

 

Of course, UNIX is as easy as falling off a log...both cause you to say arcane language.

 

okay, I think you might like this ... I found it in Wikapedia ...

Fork off and die!
lol!
(hopes he gets it)
abri

 

Yup , to fork a process is to create new processes in UNIX - I've spent too many years killing processes and zombies on UNIX. Killing headless zombies that re-spawn is no fun! (sounds like UNIX is a real Buffy adventure...)

C programmers don't die, they just get cast into void.

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The
ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his
hands
together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and
put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How
does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

 

for all the americans out there, you need to put on your best irish accent to get this one!!!! and for the scots: turd=jobby...lolololol

Irish Math Test

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"

 

Man of the Year Awards​

#1 Albania
#2 Serbia
#3 Ireland​

 

Not a joke, but always makes me chuckle.

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his little head.

I'm not a morning person

 

Daughter-in-Law gives new Mother-in-Law a Bright Idea!​

On the spur of the moment; a woman decides to bake some muffins and make a surprise visit to pop in on her new daughter in-law and when she arrives at their house; she gets a "surprise" all right: Her son’s new bride is laying buck naked on the couch!

Stunned, the mother-in-law catches her breath and asks what in the world she is doing lying on the couch completely naked and she replies, “My husband just called. He’s on his on his way home from work and I thought I’d have my ‘love dress’ on, because he always loves when I do that!”

Well the mother-in-law doesn’t want to intrude so she decided to go home and on the way; she gets a notion to do the same, so when she arrives back at her house she rushes to get undressed before her husband’s imminent arrival and then when she hears the door opening; she quickly stretches out in a provocative position on couch.

When her husband walks into the living room she purrs: “I got my love dress on don’t you like it” and the husband replies, “Whatever you say honey, but don’t you think it needs ironing?” ​

Good Luck!

 

Mathematical Viewpoint


From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes
100%?


What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?


Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?


We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%.


How about achieving 103%?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
Questions:


What makes up 100% in life?


If:


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26,


Then:


H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But,


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E


1+20+20+9+20+21+4 5 = 100%


And........


B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:


While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will get
you there, Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.


So the next time someone asks you to give more than 100%, you know
what is required of you.




But on the other hand, 98% is all you need to
H-A-V-E--A--N-I-C-E-D-A-Y...

 

THE MATH OF LIFE:- Did You Know?

If you yelled for eight years, seven months and six days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it, does it?)

If you passed gas consistently for six years and nine months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Wow!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home.... )

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine???)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty at the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) THIS ONES FOR RIKKY, JUST WISH I HAD FOUND IT FOR HIS SURVEY

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Right, so that would be a good thing..)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Wonder if they switched, if they would live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that Pig???)

 

Are you sure Tim you need it for a "HEART TRANSPLANT?????? Me thinks that some of your past post's may suggest another "Organ"

 

A boar's penis is shaped like a corkscrew. They are one of the few animals that actually does screw during sex.

Humans are one of the few animals that don't actually have a penis bone. I have no idea why.

 

The BLONDE in me, Wants to know why you then call it a "Boner"

 

Probably because almost every other animal has an actual bone there. Helps with that instant sex thing.

 

LOL!
These were so funny!

abri

 

sorry, a lot of these are old, but I really like them! abri

LAW COURT TRANSCRIPTS
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

---

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.

Q: What year?
A: Every year.

---

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

---

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all?
A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?

---

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

---

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

---

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?
A: We do

Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

---

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
---

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

---

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

---

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

---

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?
A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

---

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

---

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

---

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

---

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

---

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?

A: Oral.

---

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.

---

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

---

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law somewhere.

 

LOL
That's a good one!
haha!
abri

 

I got this as an email from a friend a while back:

I hate these hoax warnings, but this one is important! Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey and asks you to take your clothes off, DO NOT DO IT!!!

This is a scam; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this warning yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap now.....

 

The logical redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example."

"Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck.

The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"Fag."

 

LOL! Cute, BC! These are funny.
Here's one ...

A southern Baptist minister was completing a
temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer
in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in
the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I
had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile,
"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, Shall
We Gather at
the River."

 

LOL Hail Mary, and anybody for a swim in the "River"

Little Blue Pill

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill. The pharmacist asked "How many?" The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy. The old fellow said, "Oh,I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.

Ouch!! The Smarter Sex

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

 

________________________________


New exercise routine if you're over 40. You might want to take
it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It
may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before
starting any exercise program!

SCROLL DOWN...









































































































NOW SCROLL UP.. .
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a Beer.

 

One day at the gates of Heaven, God appeared, and informed Saint Peter they were nearing the quota for the day, and that only people who died in particularly bad circumstances would be allowed. He left, and Peter turned to the first man in line and explained the predicament.

"So tell me, how did you die?"

"Well, for a while now, I've suspected my wife of cheating on me, so I went home during my lunch hour to catch her. I found her hiding in the sheets on the bed. I searched the entire apartment and couldn't find anyone. Then I saw him hanging from his fingertips over the balcony. I stomped on his fingers, and made him let go. But he hit the bushes, and was only stunned. So I drug the refrigerator out, and pushed it over. It fell and killed him. Unfortunately, it made my heart give out, and here I am."

Peter agreed that this was a horrible death, and let the man in. To the next man, he explained the situation. "So how did you die?"

"Every morning, I rigourously exercise, and this morning I was doing so out on the balcony, and slipped, rolling over the edge. Two stories down, I caught the balcony, and was trying to pull myself up, when someone came out, and screamed at me, before trying to stomp on my fingers. Finally, I had to let go, and fell down into the bushes. Luckily, they broke my fall, and I was only stunned. Then this big white object comes crashing down and kills me." Once more Peter agreed this was a terrible way to die, and let him pass. He explains again, the third man nods.

"Picture this, I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

 

A man was taking his beloved duck for a walk in the neighborhood park, when all of a sudden his duck started to walk funny in circles, then finally just fell over.
The man, truly concerned for his pet duck, picked her up, ran to his car and drove as fast as he could to the nearest vet.
Once there he barged through the door, now almost in tears and called out for the animal doctor. The doctor came running out and rushed the man and his pet duck to the operating table where he did his vetrinary things and proclaimed the duck dead.
The man insisted there must be something the doc could do, so the doc called in a dog. The man sat in silence as he watched this dog sniff his duck for about five minuts, after which the dog lowered its head and left the room.
The doctor shook his head as the man pleaded there must be something else he could do. A moment later he called in a cat. The cat circled the duck for a couple of minuts then lowered its head and left the room.
The doctor finally told the man that there was nothing else that he could do. The doctor then said he could dispose of the body for the man at no charge, and that he was very sorry.
The man then headed for the door and made it ten feet when the doctor called him and said, "sir, here is your bill."
The man replied "But you said there was no charge?"
The doctor explained " initially there was no charge, but after the nose job, and catscan........."

 

SAD, BUT UNFORTUNATELY TRUE


Read the whole thing.
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of
Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the
response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm
County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the
department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has
determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the
Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a
recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The
Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up
site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any
further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated
enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management
Division


** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.



Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal
landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams
across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would
be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their
dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a
dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring
Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal
representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam
lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers
-- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized
dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of
Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam
staff to contact/harass them then. In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

 

Reading vs. Fishing

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

 

Monster Mash - ooooooooo I do

 

how did I get so far away, came here for help, obviously need it, became sidetracked by jokes, well couldn't have been important
fun though

 

What does an insomniac, who is an agnostic with dyslexia do all night?


Lays awake wondering if there really is a dog

 

Glad the Joke Thread could chase away the Geek Blues Darlene1029, LOL Mankind great to see you posting again, keep them coming gang.

JUST A FEW ON A RELIGIOUS BENT (No offence meant to any faith)

THE IRISH


Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs.
Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle"


The Pastor's Ass



The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life...

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a wonderful day!

 

Three men walked into a bar . . .

The fourth man ducked . . .

 

This is a bit old, so increase the gas and housing and pagers are I'm sure outdated but it works all and all.

Californians
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $400,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran! and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

14 It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

 

25 Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next
door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell happened?"

 

E-mail from God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior
that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it
out.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second
angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him
to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The
Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because He wanted to encourage them...give them a little something to help
them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said? .



















Just wondering, I didn't get one either.................

 

A Dog's Diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh boy! The Yard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!

A Cat's Diary:

Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my
captors
by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -
must
try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse
these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their
favorite chair - must try this on the bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt
to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little
cat
I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of
gathering
of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to my impact on "allergies". Must
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The
dog
is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a
half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and
speaks
with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait - It is only a matter of time...

 

Baby Boomers



It was fun being a baby boomer ... until now. Some of the artists of the
'60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate again baby boomers. They include:


1. Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

2. The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

3. Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

4. Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

5. Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

6. Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

7. Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

8. The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

9. Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

10. Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

11. Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

12. TheTemptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

13. Abba--- Denture Queen.

14. Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

15. Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

16. Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again

17. Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure and I'll Cry If I Want To

 

THE DECEASED DOG


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 

DONATION


Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is."

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Noble Allen?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

***

 

Living Will


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just > so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer