Jokes

Yousa speeka My Language


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"
Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."
Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me,
and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car!
Musta use a cluba car.'

So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.' We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata top of his a voice....................


'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!' Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka

 

Touchy Feely

Just for our Mankind


One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what
kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You
must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls………………………….


You must be a politician.

 

The Operation


Two little kids are in a hospital, standing next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "Whatcha in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "Whatcha in for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

 

Three women die in an accident and go to heaven.
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule: don't step on the Ducks"
They enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. A week later one woman accidentally steps on one.
St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen and chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps on a duck. St. Peter arrives with another extremely ugly man and chains them together.
The third woman is very careful. Twelve months pass and she hasn't stepped on a duck. St Peter arrives with the most handsome man she has ever seen and chains them together without saying a word.
The woman looks at this man and says, "Are you my reward for being good?"
The guy says, "All I know is that he grabbed me after I stepped on a duck."

 

BCGray can you post them one at a time... Just when I think I am calming down I read the next one and burst to laughs again. Have mercy on our cheekbones

 

Sorry about that Sailor, but sometimes they just come in two' or three's, and hey not only is laughter the best medicine, but it's a hell of a good exercise.

Good one Goose, pull up a chair and stay awhile

 

Mom & Her New Boyfriend

While I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since his Dad ran off.

I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours.

He was satisfied with the explanation and walked away.

Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. My son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your Mom busy, son?" My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy as a lark for hours!"!

 

Knock Knock

Who's There

The Moderator

The Moderator Who?

The moderator says KEEP THE JOKES CLEAN!

 

Nice work mattI'm going to ASDA I'm gonna get some mufins and post them here for you

 

Thanks rikky, Cherry I presume

 

what is ASDA?

 

hi hi the joke wasn't bad. What did you think he meant? BCGray you were talking about the television right...?

 

No, Sailor the joke that Matty deleted was a "Play on Words" joke for TimW, and Mankind, his comments weren't about the Television Joke.

Kinda takes the fun out of posting Jokes here though

 

Supermarket,currently owned by walmart US,matt the muffins were gonna go stale off dec 1 even I cant eat 4 in a day so I didnt bother,got some mint cornettos instead

 

http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/6008/santaandhisreindeeris1.jpg

 

http://img133.imageshack.us/img133/5247/godru8.jpg

 

Found this today on M.G. and just couldn't help myself..........hey Love yea Bro
http://img78.imageshack.us/img78/9801/bushasqueenwy3.jpg

 

Love the santy
tis the season to be Jollie
Angelina that is ...swimming pools movie stars
Here's Brad

 

TimW and his new Car


Our Timmie the senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-10 pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly Timmie as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

TimW, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an Arizona State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."



………………………………….."Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

 

A Voice From The Back Pew


There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd . . .

"Children are a gift from God," he said.

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

 

The Blonde Snake


There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said “Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead?............... Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisoned?”

Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"

The 1st one replies:………………………….."I just bit my lip!"

 

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jeweler applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance
9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate

***

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend
5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Good Luck! Tech Support

 

Bc

the snake joke was priceless
keep it up please

 

Me And You Are Friends ...

You Fight, I Fight ....

You Hurt, I Hurt ...

You Cry, I Cry ..

You Jump Off A Bridge ..

I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb ***

 

Snake Bite


Two city slickers was trekkin through the desert on horseback when they stopped for a break. As one was having a piddle behind a rock, a rattlesnake shot out from nowhere and promptly bit him right on the tip of his member. Reeling from the shock and pain, he called his buddy. His buddy told him to just lie still and he would race back to the town they just passed, locate a doctor and find out what to do.

In a flash the buddy was off and very quickly he found a doctor. After hearing the predicament, the doctor instructed...
"You must work quickly, time is of the essence if your friend is to live. You must take a sharp knife, make a very small incision at the bite area and suck the poison out. Place your mouth over the wound and gently suck, then spit, suck, then spit. Do this for at least 15 minutes. Now hurry back."

The buddy rode back to his friend, who by this time was barely conscious. He asked weakly "Well, what did the doctor say?"

His buddy replied............................ "The doctor said you're going to die."

 

BOOZE ALERT


The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

 

Momma Why???

With a puzzled look on his face, an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm??"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my older sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son,
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

 

Heaven: An endless supply of beer kegs and beautiful women
Hell: The kegs have holes but the women dont

 

A Tribute to Major Geeks own "Michael" G.T.


Michael is the kind of guy you have to love. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Michael was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Michael and asked him, I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
Michael replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Mike, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Michael said.
"Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."
I reflected on what Michael said.
Soon thereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Michael was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Michael was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.
I saw Michael about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied. "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon to be born daughter," Michael replied.
"Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."
Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Michael continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.
In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Michael. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes, I replied." The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, "Gravity."
Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'."
Michael lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

 

710

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is there a 710 on this car?"
She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."























This is what she pointed to...
http://img95.imageshack.us/img95/3295/710lg0.jpg

 

another canine crazy

 

Christmas Divorce...

A man calls his daughter the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I
are divorcing; 40 years of misery is enough."

"What are you talking about?" the daughter screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your brother and tell him."

Frantic, the daughter calls her brother, who also explodes on the
phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," they decide.

The daughter then calls her father back immediately and screams, "You
are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until we all get
there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll all be there tomorrow.
Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!?!?!?!?" and hangs
up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "There ya go
honey, it is all set," he says, "they're coming home for Christmas
AND they're all paying their own way!!!!"

 

Whip Me Santa

 

They used to laugh and call him names

 

This is what I used to threaten my kids with when they were young. Suppose thats whats wrong with them? hummm

 

BC and Darlene LMAO

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:


"Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna



The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.


Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,



"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.


I think it must have been those jerks at the Post Office

 

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket
and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty
dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad
time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!

My God.....you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I
only
had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one
too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry
sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty
bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he s--t in my pants, too."

 

Glad to have you back Darlene, and great ones as usual, Girl you Rock

 

Hi and thank you, been so far under the weather was in a storm shelter.

 

Just got this from my youngest, would swear she wrote it, on the other hand havn't we all? I refuse to say, " been there, done that".




Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, and visited the doctor's office more than my doctor. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes,Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the neighbors.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare M & M's a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold.
Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,
MOM

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.

 

Hi, whats a shout box??

 

looking, looking, nope. I never had a red triangle either.

 

OOOOOH, ok, front page, was looking top to bottom here, DUH!

 

Santa goes to court