Jokes

clean your chimney

 

Taco Bell open til midnight

 

the female alure

 

What do you say to your wife if she asks you how to change a lightbulb ?

First take your shoes off and wet the floor...

 

<beats Rikky up>

 

in keeping with canine antics

 

Dear GOD, from Kids



Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?
-Amy

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
-Larry

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-Nan

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jane

Dear GOD,
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?
-Lucy

Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
-Anita

Dear GOD,
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
-Jan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

Dear GOD,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
-Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
-Bruce

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha! Ha!
-Danny

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Tom

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
-Dean

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
-Elliott

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He's just kidding, isn't he?
-Marsha

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
-Eddie

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already.
-Charles

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.
-Eugene

 

Those would make Art Linkletter proud

 

Yea I would have said that too, but then you ALL would know just how "Old" I truly am but I didn't so Nanners Darlene, see I had to Google "Art Linkletter" to find out (Sheesh maybe what happened to Timmie is happeneing to me, I'm morphing backwards )

 

Oh I'm sorry, he had a tv show called Kids Say The Darnest Things in 19 -something or other , Think Bill Cosby brought it back hummm forgot when, OMG ME TOO.

 

Whats the differance between a Snow Man & Snow Woman














Snow Balls

 

Snow Woman

 

THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking
for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized
filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin'pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams
the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and
slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

 

the clapper

 

This is a tad male bashing, I appoligise for that but some are funny and I'm only the messagner

QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.
-CoraHarvey Armstrong-

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
Tracy Briseno \

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country..
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

 

Don't eat the snow

 

THE ULTAMITE PICKUP LINE THAT IS 100% GAURENTEED TO WORK!!!!












Does this rag smell like chloroform?

 

That's sick! I like it

 

hehe it never fails though. oh well cant agure with results.

 

The Braggers


Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years are reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich
that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. Why should I be, He's my son and I love him very much. Besides he hasn't done too bad either.

His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the range Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

 

Dear Tech Support

A few posts back I gave you Husband 1.0, so to remain unbiased I give you Wife 1.0


A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend1.0 which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. Whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does at least come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse 2005.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run.

Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring Adobe ShoeShop, HandBag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005; it tends to delete all of your money before uninstalling itself.

 

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket
and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty
dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad
time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!

My God.....you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jew think. I
only
had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one
too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry
sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty
bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he sh--t in my pants, too."

 

classic

 

LOL but not classy

 

haha , i like it too

 

better post in the software forum

 

going to have to clean this up a bit, hope it doesn't ruin it, funny stuff.

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you SOB's
who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the
last stop! And all of you SOB's who are getting on, get
your azzes in the train...'cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use
that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to
your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When
you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to
use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother
heard her son say... "All passengers... please remember your things.
Thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just
boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope
you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As
the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you
who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the
bit--h in the kitchen...."

 

Seen the "Original" and you did a great job in keeping the "Humour" in the joke, and sparing those sensitive souls from there indignant shock, Thanks Darlene

 

Thanks, so like kids, huh?

 

Right On Darlene, kinda takes the fun out of posting jokes at times only to have it pulled because of some peeps sensitivities

It amazes me at what "Offends" some people, seems "they" can find "Dirt" in just about anything. Posted a word play joke about a week ago and had it pulled.........The offence word was "Stroke" go figure

 

AWW, well maybe they had one, or needed one.

 

Police @ Work!!


An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.
Love, Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son....

Dear Papa,

I would help if I could but please do not dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived with picks and shovels and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.



That same day the old man received another letter from his son.....

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

 

WTG Vinnie, that's using your head

 

I just had to repost this here in the Joke Thread, they finally caught our Timmie on Video dancing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAxG3lgRKUU&eurl=

 

OMG I've walked awy from Dan in stores doing just that.

 

LOL Mankind, the Angel & the xmas tree I thought I had heard them all, then you come up with another great one.

PS:- Seeing as your posting, I surmise that you survived the storm with power and house intact, all we got in the Interior of British Columbia was about 3 inches of Powder snow from that storm. Hot Rum Toddies are a required Winter Storm survival tool, so you must have a few to keep up your strength.

 

Lol

 

Objection your honour! Repetition

 

it is a goodun

 

Best I can do is have abri pm links to the posts in question and I can tidy/remove them.

 

Can you pass this test? If not, stay out of bars!


http://joeschwartz.net/shemale/index.html

 

Gives me disgusting thoughts. Call me a racist but it does. I got 13/16. I hope I won't have to guess when I'm in a bar or somethin, lol.

 

Seems like if a GUY can look so good there's hope for us plane Jane's. Nah, too late for me

 

Well, shake hands first and see how tight of a grip they have

 

Did you see on tv where the elephant sat on the guy cleaning up behind it? Swallowed him that way also, he got out though. I think I would bath for a year or so.

 

I saw it and freaked out! I would boil myself after that, lol.

 

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

 

I liked it

 

That was good