Jokes

brain flatulation...............mmmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder if that is the same thing, that we up here in Canada we call Brain Farts, don't smell, but dang they sure make me look stupid.roflmao roflmao roflmao

Bush Smart’s/Brain Flatulation

George Bush is informed that 3 Brazillian soldiers have been killed in Iraq & promptly faints !

When he comes too his aide says "Are you Ok Mr President ?"
George says "Oh my God, exactly how many is a Brazillian ?"


Just for our "New" Texan Jannie

 

I was told this same joke only it was not set in a Vet school, but a hospital with med students. Work out the rest for yourself.

 

jokesunlimited.com go there its pretty sweet. not sure if i spelled it right you may have to google it srry.

 

Hail To The Chiefs
Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado .
and off they whirled to the land of OZ.
They finally made it to the Emerald City..
...and went to find the Great Wizard .

" What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:
"I've come for some courage."
" No Problem! said the Wizard Who 's next? "

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said:
" Well, I think I need a heart."
"Done! says the Wizard."

"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said,
"The American people say that I need a brain."
"No problem! said the Wizard.
Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,
"Well, what do you want?"

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

 

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm
shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match..

 

Tax Time

 

School Yard Humour

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions!!

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms works at work and works at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Teacher & Harry

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any
of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Bubble gum"

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex's Tongue Twister

My twelve year old brought this one home for Dad to post on that Major guys site!!

"A skunk sat on a stump.
The stump thunk the skunk stunk,
and the skunk thunk the stump stunk"

 

A man complained to God one day:

“Lord, my wife has such an easy life, being at home every day while I have to sweat it out at the office and come home, tired from the day’s work. Can you not please let us change roles?”

“Sure,” replied the Lord. And so the man and woman changed roles…

The following day the woman (who was now the man) went to work while the man (who was now the woman) proceeded to give the children their breakfast, see to it that they were neatly dressed and had all their books, make their lunches and drive them off to school. After dropping them off, he then took certain articles to be dry-cleaned, went to the bank, drew money to pay the various bills, do shopping, then went home and cleaned the kitchen, went upstairs and made the beds, put dirty clothing in the washing machine and vacuumed the floors, and by that time it was almost time for the children to come home from school. They arrived noisily and he had to scold them for throwing their school bags on the floor in the middle of the living room, then shooed them up stairs to go and change while he prepared milk and biscuits for them. After than he drove his son to football practice and his daughter to her ballet class.

During the time they were busy with their extramural activities, he collected the dry cleaning and went for a cup of coffee at a nearby café and relaxed a while until it was time to collect the children again, and once home, he saw to it that they did their homework while he began preparations for dinner. At one stage he had to break up an argument between the two children, threatening to tan their backsides if they did not stop fighting.

After dinner he washed and dried the dishes, pots and pans and began ironing the laundry while his other half relaxed in front of the TV, watching a movie before she went to bed while he finished tidying up, then also headed for bed, absolutely exhausted, but had to succumb to a session of lovemaking, then fell asleep.

The following morning he spoke to the Lord again: “Lord, I realise now how foolish I was in thinking my wife had such an easy life. Can you PLEASE change us back to our original selves again?”

“Yes, but you’ll have to wait a while, as you just fell pregnant last night…”

 

For the Ladies that Married us Male Geeks

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

How to stay married

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.

He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.

Brain Transplant

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. 'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

 

A married couple had long wished for a son, but for some or other reason none was forthcoming.

One night a fairy appeared to them and told them their dearest wish would be granted and that they would have a son.

"However," she said, "you will notice something a little odd about him, but don't let that worry you. Just enjoy watching him grow up into a fine young man..." Then she disappeared, and in due course a bouncung baby boy was born to them, and the odd thing the fairy mentioned happened to be a tiny silver screw in the middle of his forehead. But obiedient to her orders, they ignored it, and the lad did grow up into a fine young man, and then he was about to celebrate his 21st birthday. The parents threw him a huge party, and during the proceedings the fairy appeared again.

Taking a tiny silver screwdriver out of her pocket, she began unscrewing the tiny silver screw in the middle of his forehead, and.....


...scroll down












HIS EARS FELL OFF!!!

:neener :*** :clap

 

PRICELESS!!!

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what You did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me...," replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

God says, "Well, that's interesting. Show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no...," interrupts God.


( I love this )








God replies, "Get your own dirt!!!"

 

roflmao roflmao roflmao Loved that one ®KIM

 

Yea right on MK go Canucks Goroflmao roflmao roflmao :dancer

 

What do you get when you throw a hand-grenade in a French kitchen?






Linoleum blown-apart!

 

here's a couple more for you....(these are REAL!!)



How far above sea level are we now? (asked on the shore line)
What is this lake called? (the pacific ocean)
So the sun sets in the east here? (don't know the explanation.l..can only assume people get disorientated on islands)
If Mauna Kea is the tallest mountain in the world...why isn't it bigger?
Can the observatories see the whole world from here?
Are the wild horses domesticated?

much aloha

 

Wonderful place- ebay!

 

Well gang were on page 77, with over 27,000 "Views" in this "Joke Thread" that was originally started by Abri in 6/06, and still going strong. I think that makes this the single biggest "Thread" here on Major Geeks. So don't let anyone tell you that "Geeks" do not have a great sense of Humour.

For me it is the first "Thread" I go to for a chuckle everday, and I would like to Thank all the Posters here for the Laughs you have given me. With a special Thanks to Mankind and Darlene, you guys continue to amaze me with something new every week, this thread would not be the same without you.:celebrate :highfive :grouphug

 

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

 

holy crap man, those are the funniest things ive ever read....LMAO...i was seriously laughing out loud, my parents thought i was crazy

 

Well... When attaching cords to the computer which end (for the most part) usually goes in?

 

Subject: Why Parents Drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued Tech employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle


............................................................................"ME."

 

Do unto Others


An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the traffic light turned yellow just in front of him.

The man did the right thing stopping at the crosswalk even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof - and the horn - screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands in the air.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Alex Tongue Twister

(Tongue Twisters my 12 year old son brings home for Dad to post on that Majors place)

Mr. See and Mr. Soar were old friends. See owned a saw and Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See, which made Soar sore. Had Soar seen See's saw before See saw Soar's seesaw, then See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. But See saw Soar and Soar's seesaw before Soar saw See's saw, so See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw. It was a shame to let See see Soar so sore just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.

 

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

 

Family

 

Re: Jokes RED-NECK VALENTINE'S LOVE POEM

RED-NECK VALENTINE'S LOVE POEM

Collards is green
My dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have
A sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I Luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
Jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
Right out of the can.

You have som'a yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
And awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
Like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life
More than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds...
IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!

 

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849.

Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott.

Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott.

Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not. Butt do I care?

 

roflmao roflmao roflmao Loved them meandog

 

Bush Hillbillie Song

Sung to the tune of Beverly Hillbillies

"Come and listen to my story 'bout a boy named Bush.
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush.
He drank like a fish while he drove all about.
But that didn't matter 'cuz his daddy bailed him out.
DUI, that is.
Criminal record.
Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie goes to Yale.
He can't spell his name but they never let him fail.
He spends all his time hangin' out with student folk.
And that's when he learns how to snort a line of coke.
Blow, that is.
White gold.
Nose candy.

The next thing you know there's a war in Vietnam.
Kin folks say, "George, stay at home with Mom."
Let the common people get maimed and scarred.
We'll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard.
Cushy, that is.
Country clubs.
Nose candy.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored.
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord.
He said, "Now the White House is the place I wanna be."
So he called his daddy's friends and they called the GOP.
Gun owners, that is.
Falwell.
Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, the election ran late.
Kin folks said "Jeb, give the boy your state!"
"Don't let those colored folks get into the polls."
So they put up barricades so they couldn't punch their holes.
Chads, that is.
Duval County.
Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes stepped in.
Told all the voters "Hey, we want George to win."
"Stop counting votes!" was their solemn invocation.
And that's how George finally got his coronation.
Rigged, that is.
Illegitimate.
No moral authority.
Y'all come vote now.
Ya hear?"

 

roflmao...thats so funny.thanks BC


Alwayz Brooke

 

As we get older we need more help!
An 80-year-old man was requested by his doctor to give a sperm Count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a Jar. "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample Tomorrow. The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office And gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the Previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, But nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still Nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, Then with her left hand. She tried with her mouth, first with the Teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Helen, the lady next door and she tried Too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried Squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open."

 

Subject: don't laugh


Don't laugh!" said the patient, Jim.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said, "I'm a professional. In
over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay, then," Jim said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have
been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to
his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what
came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise
it won't happen again. Now then, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Jim replied.

 

This was so durn purdy, I had to send it to my wife.

MK, I loved those Chuck Norris facts. I know every one of them is true, except the NASA one. They do not owe him a beer...They wouldn't dare re-nig on a bet w/ C.N.

 

@ Mankind - Phrases Useful in the Workplace
Funny stuff there. I have never had words with anyone I've worked with but have to admit a few of those crossed my mind from time to time. rolleyes

 

For those from Oz

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET #12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are Comin” and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident”... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

 

Actually, I don't want to burst your bubble B.C.G., but that moderately amusing gag is not only another one of those urban legends, it actually has it's origins in Canada, LoL! ....

http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/busrider.asp

I guess Australia sounds far off and obscure enough place for most people to believe it. Still worth a giggle, though.

 

Lol...only downunder BC, even the magistrates have a sense of humour here!
although the last joke i cracked in court got me nice fine!
Maybe he'd had a rough night?


For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this
house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way
we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you
going?"
Little Patrick told him;

I was walking past your room last
night and heard you telling Mum you were pulling out. Then I heard
her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be buggered if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike!


Regards...

 

Dang Gum MK, she must be a Doctor Right!!!roflmao roflmao roflmao

 

Well she'd hava ta be unlessin she's hisn Kousin too, but then you was alwas the smert one in tha familieLOL LOL LOL

 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
________________________________
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_______________________________
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
______________________________
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
________________________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

If these have been posted before please forgive me ( my memory's not as sharp as it used to be).

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

_________________________________
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
_______________________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .

__________________________________________________________

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
________________________________
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_______________________________
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll b e sure my daughters visit me twice a week

 

Now that is funny and very very true-more so everyday

 

Yep, I liked that one too. And sooo true!

Some good ones there, Darlene - thanks!

 

After that last joke I can only say ...reddit

 

I hope I didn't miss this earlier.

Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

 

I just cacked myself when I read this. The more I read the more I lost it!!

 

This bumper sticker is on my friend's car:
"Ex-husband in boot"LOL

 

A friend sent this to me by email.

> Irish Medical Alert
> >
> >
> >
> > An Irish woman was admitted to Hospital today
> after having phone sex.
> >
> >
> >
> > Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas
> and 1 Samsung,
> >
> >
> >
> > No Siemen was found.

 

Hey MK do you think that maybe they had their Cat dolled up like this
http://img337.imageshack.us/img337/4662/image01212gz9.jpg

Makes you wonder why some people are allowed to make so much money to waste, well others can't afford decent Health Care:mad :mad

PS Loved the cat photos Thanks

 

Hey, BC, glad your feeling better.

 

Thanks Darlene that dang flu bug snuck up on me and then I was "Nailed"
http://img511.imageshack.us/img511/8779/nailedwy9.jpg

Still not up to Par yet, but my funny bone is getting better, Thanks to you guysLOL LOL