Jokes

Here's one I got today -"DILEMMA"

This is from my old school mate - we're both good catholic girls!

DILEMMA

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.

Which is worse?

1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married?

2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis?

3. Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring?:cry

 

reILEMMA ...for a man...any of the above...

 

Yes well I have to agree they're all pretty hectic!!LOL

 

This woman has a massive chip on her shoulder!!

 

Oh When I was Younger (The lament of an “Old Fart”)

When I was younger, birthday presents carried the implicit message "Let's go out and have fun!" Now that I'm older, they carry the message "Let's remove the hair from Dad's nose!"

When I was younger, I used to spend a lot of time searching for the meaning of life. Now that I'm older, I spend a lot of time searching for where I parked the car.

When I was younger, I saw the movie Jaws and for years after was nervous at the beach, always afraid I'd be wading in the water and hear someone call out "Shark!" Now that I'm older and the waistband on my bathing trunks is considerably larger, I'm more concerned I'll hear someone shout, "Whale, ho!"

When I was younger, I thought a job was like an elevator: You got on at the ground floor and rode it all the way to the top of your career. Now that I'm older, I see a job as more like a rope swing: You're far more likely to remember it as a pleasant experience if you concentrate on picking the right time to let go.

When I was younger, I used to fuss when even a single hair was out of place. Now that I'm older, I'm happy when they are anywhere on my head.

When I was younger, I was a very fussy eater-I didn't like much of anything. Now that I'm older, I have much broader tastes-I'll eat just about anything, but my doctor won't let me.

When I was younger, I used to invent all sorts of excuses for not getting regular exercise. I didn't have the time, I couldn't find the right health club, and I lacked the right clothes or equipment. I was always going to start a work-out program just as soon as I got organized, or when I'd finished some project, or with the start of the new year. Now that I am older, I see those excuses as foolish and ridiculous. There's no reason why a man like me couldn't spend an hour a day or so working out, staying in shape. I just wish I had started exercising back then, because it is obviously too late now.

When I was younger, I was at the center of my children's universe. They looked to me for guidance and direction, and obeyed me when it came to life's important decisions. Now that I am older, my teenagers keep trying to alter this very sensible system.

When I was younger, I wasted a considerable amount of my brainpower thinking about girls. I thought about them when I really should have been concentrating on something else, like when I was taking my SATs or one time when my car hit some black ice on the highway and began to spin out of control. Now that I'm older, however…well, I guess some things never change.

When I was younger, our music was powerful and alive. My parents didn't understand it, and thought it was junk, but it spoke to my generation and me. Now that I'm older, I can see that my generation's music has withstood the test of time. (Though I don't understand the junk my kids listen to.)

When I was younger, I always wanted to be older so that I could play basketball and football and baseball better. Now that I am older, I wish I were younger so that I could play basketball and football and baseball at all.

When I was younger, I was impatient and easily bored. I seemed often to lack for something to do. Now that I'm older, I can always go to the bathroom.

When I was younger, there was always a baby, or an ill child, or a crisis at work, or some other intrusion into my sleep, and I was tired all the time. Now I sleep as much as I physically can, and I am tired all the time.

When I was younger and just starting out, people used to tell me I was going to accomplish much that I was quick and bright and energetic and ambitious and I was going to do very well in life. I haven't heard very much on this subject lately.

When I was younger…I didn't use the phrase "when I was younger" very often. Now that I'm older, well, it seems to be creeping into almost daily usage.

I tried to figure out what was wrong with me - now I know!

I definitely have this disorder!!!

They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first.

Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and the vase of flowers, catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put the mail away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - -Aaaaaagh ! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the vase and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do.

End of Day:

The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!
When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I'VE SENT THIS TO!!!

But please don't send it back to me or I might send it to you again, take care the post title says BCGray………………Geee I think that just might be ME.



How old is Grandpa? Reality Check for you Young’ens

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at
schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandpa replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before, there was :-
television
penicillin
polio shots
frozen foods
Xerox
contact lenses
Frisbees
the pill

There was no:
radar (As you know it today, they were "Blips" on an oscilloscope)
credit cards
laser beams or
ball-point pens

Man had not invented:
pantyhose
air conditioners
dishwashers
clothes dryers!

Clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon


Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title,"Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgement, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during "Lent".

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and World Leaders speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, ride on a bus, and a Coke were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
"grass" was mowed,
"coke" was a cold drink,
"pot" was something your mother cooked in and
"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principals office,
"Chip" meant a piece of wood,
"hardware" was found in a hardware store and
"software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" (My apologize to “OldandConfused, I am certain you understand) and say there is a generation gap.. and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see...............pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

This man would be only 65 years old! Just ready to Retire.
........................Yea thats me your Grandpa, Love yea Noah:major

 

Got a tad melancholy during your convalescences there BCG?

 

EEEEEmergency I am currently online at this site and my key board is scrambled at this site only.

I had to open ms word to type this screeeeaaam for any help and copy paste it into the reply box.

As you can see my keyboard letter locations are not scramble in ms word just in mjr gks reply box and shout window.

:eek :mad confused confused confused

 

Don't rightly know Darlene, but the good lady I call my Wife, did mention that I should add some fibre to my diet...............is that there melancholy the same thing as that there vegetable "Broccoli"................Dang were oh where is the "Brains" of this outfit MK when's youse needs him the most. Love you Darlene, and you take care hear Love yea Girl, your as always my "Calfornia Dream"

 

Hey jewlzs;937289 heard your SCREAM try CCleaner(slim) available here at MG link http://majorgeeks.com/download.php?det=4191 and clean your "Temps", has always worked for me

 

Originally posted by Mankind

This is exactly my hubby! Although a movie with a jail theme is always "a really good movie" too!!:mad

 

Okay MK, the Wife wants to know, Just where you hid the "Camera", and to qoute "She Who Must Be Obeyed" "I ain't cooking another meal for one of your "Dead Beat" geeky Friends again, the last one fried the DVD, TV, and Micro-Wave, with one "Well Dang it BC lets try this wire"roflmao roflmao

 

Fishin with Boudreux

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers.

He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a Big frog in his mouf.

He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit.

He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit.

He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux hada real good grip on his haid.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it In his bait can.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, so he had a plan.

He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker.

He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.

Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later, Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.

Life is Good!

 

that's cute meandog, sounds like he'll have all the frogs he wants,:drool

 

Ooooooooooo

 

LOYALTY IN MARRIAGE ...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side ... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get away from me."

 

laughed out loud. hubby creased up and then said 'hmm'

 

BUBBA & His Bar-B-Q

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic--and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass---and the Priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary, and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you was raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

 

Don't know if you've seen this one but it is good.

Allegedly Genuine Extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

 

Australian Tourism: questions answered

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.....just trying to help:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?
(UK) A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

 

Combat Kangaroos
Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix- herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.)

The lesson?

Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

-- From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports:major

 

CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

DOS: Defunct Operating System

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

PnP: Plug and Pray

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

Some Commandments for Stress free Linux use!

Thou shalt not worry about bugs.

Thou shalt not fix abort conditions

Thou shalt not handle errors

And the NUMBER ONE top oxymoron: Microsoft Works



Regards....

 

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50!
(catch that, over 50 )


1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


19. You can't remember who sent you this list .

 

http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/5624/cartoonfk8.gif

 

LOL Dang it Mada wonder if that there Photoshop will fix my "OldZimers"



It ain’t Hard Yet

To make it straight, she pulls it. To make it stand, she rubs it. To make it stiff, she licks it. To let it in, she pushes it.

True?.............................................Threading a needle is not easy

Sad News

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death last week of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

…………………………….They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started.

Bush Math(Again)

A public school teacher was arrested today at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport as she attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the woman is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra Movement.

He did not identify the woman, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes

 

@ BCG When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes[/QUOTE]

roflmao

 

THE 6 BEST SMART *** ANSWERS OF 2006

SMART *** ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART *** ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat,
she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART *** ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead"

SMART *** ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART *** ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

 

Darlene1029 those SMART answers were brilliant!!roflmao roflmao

 

Then you might enjoy this also ----


A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry 's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni . What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL !!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance th at it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a o ne-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one -second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON -OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Earl

 

Darlene I would've loved to have caught that on film!!! Visualising it had me in stitches! :hammer roflmao roflmao

 

Mankind, that is sooo funny ---ties right in with your favorite show

 

Yeah, I'll have some of that!!

 

http://de.fishki.net/picsw/newfirefox.jpg

 

Subject: class mate...


Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and
thinking, "Surely I don't look that old!"
Well, you'll love this one!

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appt. with a new
dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name that had
been in my high school class some 40 odd ye ars ago.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK
THEN??

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was WAY too old to
have been MY classmate. Hmmmm. Or could he?

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan
Park High School.

"Yes! Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang!" he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, gray, decrepit
s-o-b asked, "What did you teach?"

 

Check this out - they really are talking cats!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JAYKw-x6qE

Thought it might put a smile on your face.

 

Did you bite his fingers when they were in your mouth!!?:boxing

 

Thats funny, I'm a cat person too

 

Ouch

roflmao

 

roflmao roflmao :cry roflmao roflmao

 

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There, he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large. Then they walk around the station a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

 

Walking through the bush Gary and Griff came across a dingo licking its privates. After watching for a few minutes Griff said to Gary, "Just between you and me, I've wanted to do that all my life." A bemused Gary looked at him and said, "Go ahead mate, but I'd pat him first. He looks pretty vicious to me."

 

Two outback cowboys are having a chat about their favourite sexual positions, when one of them says; I like the rodeo rider.
The rodeo rider? The other cowboy says, what is that, never heard of it!
Well, says the first cowboy, when you're doing it doggy style you lean forward, get a firm hold of your wife's boobs and then you whisper in her ear; gee, they feel exactly the same as your sister's..
And then you try to stay on for another ten seconds!!

 

lmao

 

Aspiring actor rings home to tell his family the news that he had finally landed his first role.

"I play a man who has been married for 25 years", he excitedly tells his father.

"Keep up the good work", his dad replies.
"Some day you might get a speaking part".

Joke of the week from The Sunday Mail, March 4th 2007.

 

Elephants have long memories..

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after Graduating from
Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The
elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found
a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as
gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood
out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down
its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED A PhD


1. He had only one major publication.
2. It had no references.
3. It wasn't published in a “Refereed” journal.
4. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
5. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
6. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
7. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
8. When one experiment went awry,……he tried to cover it up by drowning his subjects.
9. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
10. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
11. Some say he had his son teach the class.
12. He expelled his first two students for learning.
13. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
14. His office hours were infrequent and often held on limited-access mountain tops.
15. No record of working well with colleagues .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why this Prof does have a PHD

At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to go visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to State College until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page.

On the second page was written.... For 95 points:………………Which tire? _________

 

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!


Doctors Office

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....

The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my Penis" he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"What is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it."

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then you have to watch what You Eat


A preacher went by the home of an elderly woman who he had heard was not feeling well. They were sitting there in the living room conversing. The preacher notices a bowl of nuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "Help yourself" she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices he has eaten almost all of the peanuts from the bowl. "I apologize" he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few".

…………….. "That’s O.K." she says, "Since I've lost my teeth, I've only been able to suck the chocolate off of them".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Older Southern Bells

There were some old southern ladies on the porch, drinkin mint juleps

The first one says”Do you know, that there are men in this world that will put their mouths on the private parts of other men?

Fanning herself the other belle said, “And what do they call them?”

Homo-sex-a-uls

Oh, Lordy!!!!

“Do you know that there are women that will put their mouths on the private parts of other women?”

Land O' Goshen, chile, WHAT DO YOU CALL THEM?

Les-bi-ons!!!!

“Do you know that there are men that will put their mouths on a womans PRIVATE parts?”

Oh, Lord, I am comin' home, and what are they called?


Well, honey after I catch my breath, I just call them--- PRECIOUS!!!!!

 

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST


Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...





HOW MANY ?









WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.


The reasoning behind is further down.








The brain cannot process "OF".




Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!



Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
http://www.aip.org/history/einstein/ae77.htm

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!

More Brain Stuff . . . From Cambridge University.

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.


cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on !!

 

Quite amazing

 

indeed!

Anyone here a genius?? test yourself with the Alzheimer eye test, and the weird word thingy!!

 

well i am a genius, but that goes without saying!! (actually, i counted three, but automatically read it twice to make sure and noticed the 'of's on the re-read.) the thing about the spelling has been posted before. this is one of the reason hawaiian is so hard to learn. they only have twelve letters in their alphabet, most words consist of multiple two letter syllables, one constenant followed by one vowel. thus all the words resemble each other. eg 'honolulu, honoka'a, hamakua..waimea, waiaku, waipio.. etc. in addition to recognizing the general 'shape' of the word, your brain also looks at the initial letter and of course in hawaiian there are only a handful to choose from.

you simply could not do the above in hawaiin. swapping the syllables about would created new words. this makes me wonder how many languages and reading patterns this applies to. can you do this in japanese? or is it only english or maybe european?