Jokes

They are brilliant! :clap I was amazed that I could read that messed up stuff without a problem. The human brain really is very complex.

I've gotta send this out by email to all my mates. Oh, and I was really pissed that I only found 3 'F's'!!

 

Woohoo, genius here, where else can I post it?

 

Let me guess Darlene, like me you read the "Whole" post first........Rightroflmao roflmao.................Pappa always said read the dang instructions first Boy

 

No actually it seem like one of my grandkids showed it to me before from school, and get off the dam floor.

 

Only 3 'F's?
very disappointing

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with
rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged
in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

 

Voted best Irish joke of 2006

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,"The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows
today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the
rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of
cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one...right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall." Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence,
says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."

 

oooh too close, too close!

 

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed,on her bed and
squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do
you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year- old."

The husband replies, "And what did he say about your 55-year old arse?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

 

these are great

imran karim

 

ANCIENT CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch *** should not bite fingernails.

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

About life:

One day, God created a dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking.
How about ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So god agreed.

On the next day, God created a monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this I will give you a twenty year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And god agreed.

On the next day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a sixty year life span."
The cow said: That's kind of a tough life. You want me to live for sixty years?
How about twenty and I'll give you back the other forty?"
And god agreed again.

Then on the next day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this I will give you twenty years." But man said:
"Only twenty years? could you possibly give me my twenty, The forty the cow gave back, The ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty ?"
"Ok" said god, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

 

Too true

 

Glad he wasn't standing next to my car MK!

How very true.
Those 'Ancient Chinese Proverbs' are very clever too! How do people come up with this stuff?

 

FOFLMAO. :wave Bazza

===

 

Ah yes and so we obey them.

Brings back very bad memories of my youth.uke

 

Me thinks you just might know a little too much about this MK, you must have been hang out around the likes of TimW, Halo and me for too long. For we all know that you have never allowed the "Golden Elixir" to touch your lipsLOL LOL

 

Bubba’s Death

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange, so he called Gomer to come in to help identify the body.

Gomer took a look at the body and said, " Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said. "Nope, that ain't bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two azzholes."

"What??? He had two azzholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two azzholes" said Gomer.

Every time we went to town, folks would say,

………………………………….."Here comes Bubba with them two azzholes."

 

roflmao

 

Here's a set of two jokes that I tend to name "Counter attack" . Tell the sopranos about these MK LOL. No offense of course.

Another Greek is discussing with another Italian in another Starbucks.
The topic is pretty much the same.
The Italian says:
-You know, we recently found wires in some ancient ruins near Pompeii.
-What is that supposed to mean?
-It means that we had a telegraph or even a phone on 200 BC.
-Ha, we didn't found any wires in Olympia!
-So what?
-We had wireless networks!

I hope matt.chug doesn't get mad with the next one. It's the one I count on.


A Greek man is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Greek baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Greek guy just shrugs, "That's about average back in Greece,
folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Greek agori (boy )"


Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Greek baby that weighted 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Greek father takes a long swig of ouzo, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised".........

 

Well BCGray, this one is for you Bro. Out there in Nirvana.


The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50º Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35º Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.

32º Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes.
Canadian water gets thicker.

0º Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60º Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100º Fahrenheit (-73 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173º Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-460º Fahrenheit (-273 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "Cold eh?"

-500º Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

 

Talk about your foot in your mouth Make that 2 feet

 

Yeppers BirdBath you poor laddies and lass's back East do love to "Playing" with their Icicle's........................Pardon me BB well I go out in my backyard and pick an Orange, Oh did I mention were kinda chilly at 8 C right nowLOL LOL

 

Jumpers

Two Rednecks are standing at the top of a cliff.
One of them has a couple parrots tied to each arm, the other has several budgies tied to his.
They look at each other. "Ready?". "Ready!"
Then they both jump.
Several days later, in the intensive care ward, one says to the other "You know, John, I don't think I'm too keen on that there budgie-jumping".
The other replies, "I know what you mean. I won't be trying that parrot-sailing again".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Stuttttttter

A man goes to see his doctor.
"D-d-d-doc", he stammers, "I have this t-t-t-terrible st-st-st-stutter. I c-c-can't t-t-t-take it any m-m-m-m-more" You g-g-g-g-gotta help m-m-m-me"

The doctor replies that there is little chance that he can help because stuttering is usually caused by psychological problems rather than physical, but he'll do what he can.

After an exhaustive examination, the doctor comes with his results.
"Well", says the doctor, "It seems I may be able to help you after all. I've noticed that you have an exceptionally large penis. It seems that your genital appendage is so large that it is robbing vital blood away from your speech centers."

The guy nods and stammers through his question regarding what may be done.
The doctor tells him that the penis can be surgically replaced with a smaller organ and this should cure the problem.
The guy says to go for it.

Several months later, the same patient returns to the doctor's office.
"Doc" he says, "First if all, I gotta thank you. I'm so much more comfortable in public. No problem whatsoever with my speech."

The doctor nods his acknowledgement.

"But", the guy continues, "My sex life has gone to hell on a skate. My girlfriend left me, and no one wants to have sex with me any more. You gotta give me back my old penis."

The doctor nods, steeples his fingers together, looks at the guy with a sad expression, and says………………"S-s-s-s-sorry. Th-th-th-the operation c-c-c-c-cannot b-b-b-be reversed".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And Finally a Groaner

There are these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night . . .

* The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."

* The duck says 'Just put it on my bill."

* The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders."

* The deer says, "I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon."

* The dachshund said, "I've got be to getting a long now."

* The beaver said, "Dam if I'll pay."

* The giraffe says, "Well, I guess the high balls are on me then."

 

For HALO (Our favorite UK Mod, hope this gives you a chuckle Bro)


This was sent to me by a long time friend in the UK

BRITISH

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!

Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET Coke.

Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to Casualty in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

And finally...

In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet

 

Catholic Parrots



A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"How shocking!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. "You know , I
may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I
have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your
parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that awful
phrase in no time."

"Oh my, ..thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed the
female parrots in the cage.

Immediately, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you
want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other
male parrot and exclaimed.

"Put the beads away Frank, ....Our prayers have been answered!"

 

It loses something in the translation

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
11. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This is allegedly a true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.

From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture - of handcuffs.

 

When I first scrolled pass this one at a glance I thought the name @ top read Lenny Bruce, thought to myself, uh-oh MK's gonna get! LOL

 

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Real classified ads

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:

(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.

(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.

(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

 

Bono was at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asked the audience for some
quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the
microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A drunken voice from near the front of the audience pierces the
silence..."Fookin' stop doing it then!"

 

A man walks into the bar with a lump of asphalt under his arm and says "I'll have one for me and one for the road"

 

A Dyslexic man walks into a bra

 

LMAO that was a good one man...

 

Here are some bumper stickers that could make you smile while waiting in traffic:

• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
  
  
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  
  
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
  
  
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  
  
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  
  
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  
  
• He who laughs last thinks slowest
  
  
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  
  
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  
  
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  
  
• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  
  
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  
  
• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
  
  
• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
  
  
• This acid must be good. It feels like I'm driving!
  
  

 

I always liked

"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that can read binary, and those that can't."

 

You know you are a Californian if

1. Your co-worker has eight body piercing and none of them are visible.
2. You make over $2000,000 and still cannot afford a house.
3. Your child's teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower
4. You have been to a baby shower that had two mothers and a sperm donor.
5. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatrin and Ethiopian
6. A really great parking space can move you to tears
7. You can't remember--- is pot legal
8. It is barely sprinkling rain outside and every TV station has "STORM WATCH 07"
9. You pay 1.00 more for gas per gallon than anywhere else in the country.
10. The Terminator is your governor
11 Your car insurance costs as much as you house payment

 

Re: ""There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that can read binary, and those that can't."

BM that's a very clever one.....if you don't understand the binary concept you miss out on a good joke!

 

for the french

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down
at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
meself,
me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team
from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my
army waiting to move on my command."
Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks
and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified
Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the
cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really ? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change
of heart?"



"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness
and
decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

 

Lord Denning died at 100 years of age was perhaps the greatest law-making judge of the last century and the most controversial. His achievement was to shape the common law according to his own highly individual vision of society. His cases were central in many of our law studies at uni where we also enjoyed his pointed humour shown by some of his quotes from court cases in which he presided - I hope you enjoy these:

1971 case regarding conditions written on parking ticket for a car left on a parking lot – the customer was suing the parking lot owners for theft of his car ---Thornton v Shoe Lane Parking Ltd
"No customer in a thousand ever read the conditions [on the back of a parking lot ticket]. If he had stopped to do so, he would have missed the train or the boat.

None of those cases has any application to a ticket which is issued by an automatic machine. The customer pays his money and gets a ticket. He cannot refuse it. He cannot get his money back. He may protest to the machine, even swear at it; but it will remain unmoved."

Quote from his opening of 1973 case where he reasons the farmer's situation which lands him in court ---Lloyds Bank v. Bundy
"Broadchalke is one of the most pleasing villages in England. Old Herbert Bundy, the defendant, was a farmer there. His home was at Yew Tree Farm. It went back for 300 years. His family had been there for generations. It was his only asset. But he did a very foolish thing. He mortgaged it to the bank."


Quote from a case regarding Anton Piller Injunction [a civil search warrant]. Lord Denning expresses sarcasm in the manner the search warrant was executed – that is by undue force:
"It does not authorize the plaintiff’s solicitors or anyone else to enter the defendants’ premises against their will. It does not authorize the breaking down of any doors, nor the slipping in by a back door, nor getting in by an open door or window . . . The plaintiffs must get the defendants’ permission. But it does do this: It brings pressure on the defendants to give permission. It does more. It actually orders them to give permission – with, I suppose, the result that if they do not give permission, they are guilty of contempt of court."

 

WHY MEN STARTED WEARING EARRINGS

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

 

The Mistress
It was with much dismay that Rachael discovered her husband Hymie had a mistress. Rachael, however, was not the sort to kill the golden goose, rather she decided to find out what the
mistress had that she didn't.

After a long interrogation Hymie finally relented. "Well, to tell you the truth, Rachael, you are too cold. When we make love you don't do anything. You just lay there, whereas she moans and groans with feeling."

"Is that all?" thought Rachael. "Is that all there is to it?"

That night she dressed in her most alluring lingerie, slipped Hymie a shot of his favorite cognac and got him into bed. Halfway through the business she decided to give him her most
passionate moans and groans. "Oh Hymie, darling," she began, "I've had the most terrible day. Our shares dropped two points, the maid quit and you don't give me enough housekeeping money..."

 

http://www.thatsweird.net/Pictures/Long%20One.jpg

 

Seeking technical support for Girlfriend:

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 2.0 and am having some problems. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run Girlfriend in background mode with the sound switched off. But I'm embarrassed to say that I can't find the button to turn it off. I just run them separately, and it works OK. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

My friend also told me that Girlfriend 2.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. And after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he said is a huge resource hog. On top of that, Wife 1.0 comes bundled with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that can't be turned off. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.

Anybody out there able to offer technical advice.......?

 

Respondees may need to consider treading softly with this thread. I suspect many females will be observing replies......LOL

 

A Modern Parable


A Japanese company and an American company
Decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.



On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.



The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.


Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.


Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.



Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 Person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program", with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing Team was outsourced to India.



The End.

 

Thats both funny AND exact.

 

This should be posted by a male

A "heads up" for you and any of your guy friends who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts putting her hands all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, and three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Again, please beware!!

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."