Jokes

Hey Darlene 1029 glad to have someone that loves jokes and laughter as much as me, those were great ones.

 

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he
attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member
of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes
go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of
math instruction. He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
president.

 

Great story

 

A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it'son the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get a towel and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook. I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

 

Hope I'm not overloading here, I keep finding ones I like. The deer tick warning has got be my favorite, laugh aloud each time I read it and it's been in my files a long time. I'm new at this so just say
STOP

 

Hey great job you guys, here's two you might enjoy


An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy,what'cha got there?"

The boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

The old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"

The boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of ducktape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says "Hey boy, what'cha got there?"

The boy says "It's pussy willows."

The old man says "Hang on, I'll get my hat!!"


-----------------------------------------------------

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stonewall along one side the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, was a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the Gold Street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

 

good advise

 

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and a sked the cowboy to do him a favor. "Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."

I did," replied the old cowboy.

"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.

"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church "

 

CONFESSION


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

 

Satan and the Old Man


Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked
up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even
tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 30 years."

 

Bush is A GREAT LEADER!!!!



One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as
you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room. In it, was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving
in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah, I can
handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

We Can Only Hope!

 

great thread, i only got to page 3 but my fav was "is hell exothermic or endothermic"

 

man i just love these threads. they always make my day. i wish it would just keep going and going but at some point you got to run out of jokes

 

Well if you get to the end of the thread and still feel the need for some comical relief you could always read this:

http://rinkworks.com/stupid/

I've spent a fair bit of time reading that and chckling to myself at my desk at work. (Chuckling to yourself at work isn't recommended unless you can take the wierd looks you get)

 

Hey guys Major Geeks has the best Malware Forum, the best Software Forum, the best "Folding Team", the best Software Forum, Yea and the best Hardware Forum.....................SO WHO SAYS WE CAN'T HAVE THE BEST JOKE THREAD so get out ALL your old jokes and post away. Hey a joke a day is what makes us "SUPER" MAJOR GEEKS

 

Guilty with an explanation

My son-in-law was helping me set up my flower shop when I made the mistake of telling him an old florist joke (one of the cleaner ones I might add). After that when ever he called the shop he asked if we had any tulips in that day. After around the umpteenth call my answer was, "you ass"
To my horror a voice at the other end was not his and said, "excuse me?"
He was a young regular and when I explained he found the humor in it, thank heavens.

The joke was- whats better then roses on your piano?
answer - tulips on your organ

 

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
teacup."


Scroll down for the answer


This will make you chuckle!!!>






"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug."

Do you want a room with or without a view?

 

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

A few Wandering Thoughts

1. My husband and I fight over religious differences. He thinks he's God and I don't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

4. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

5. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

7. I'm not a complete idiot--some parts are missing.

8. Our of my mind. Back in five minutes.

9. Whose idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

10. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

11. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

12. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

13. Being "over the hill" is much better that being "under it"!

14. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

15. Procrastinate Now!

16. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

17. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

18. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

19. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

20 "Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for." Will Rogers

 

A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint

when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,

"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"

The koala says:

"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they burn a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much
water did you drink?!!"

 

There was a priest that lived in a house at the bottom of a hill. The weather got bad and it started to flood the water had started coming into the house and flooded the first floor so he went upstairs and saw a rubber dingy going past,"the men shouted hey priest quick jump in" and he replied "no i don't need help god will save me"
The flood got higher and flooded the second floor so he went to the top floor and looked out the window and saw a lifeboat. The men shouted " hey priest quick jump in" he replied "no i don't need help god will save me".
The water flooded the top floor and he had to climb onto the roof and he saw a helicopter hovering above. A man shouted "hey priest jump on to the rope" he replied "no i don't need help god will save me"
Eventually the house was underwater and he drowned,

When he got to heaven he said to god "hey god why didn't you save me" he replied "i sent you two boats and a helicopter what more do you want?"

 

Fast Thinker
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
department told him that
they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that
the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back
room, the boy said
to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing
right behind him;
so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later
the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that
situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players
down there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No kidding!" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

 

Airport Security
150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the:

"Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service".

Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black outfits with jackets saying across the backs: "F.A.T.A.S.S."

The FATASSs are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land Security Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S

I feel safer already.

 

Blonde Men Do Exist
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and
his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed
like this?

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar
down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her
motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me
; to pull off my shirt . so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me
to pull off my pants .. so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks
me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,

"Now go to town cowboy... ".

And here I am.

Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.

 

Boots
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except the cowboy boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

TOP 16 COUNTRY SONGS

16. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number one song is . . . . . . . . .

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With Ugly Women,
but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

(I Beleive some of these are for real)

 

Nah!

 

Four Animals


You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!



A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"



A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of

life is four little animals."



The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be

sugar?"



The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger

in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."



The teacher fainted.



Kids

​

​

 

Teen age sex:
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told
her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity"
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"
Pancakes:
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

 

Pretty clever, the designated decoy

 

I tried to put a picture on, couldn't. Thought it was fitting for the site, pretty geeky.

 

Hey Mankind think we've found your "Funny Bone" great posts, LOL Gal1998, Darlene to post pics you have to "Go Advanced" and post as attachments limit is 97.6 Kb I think so you might require a Photo File Resizer which are available here at MG. Great job you guys you have brought this thread to "Life"

 

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr ! Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

You gotta love this!!!!!!!!!!!


"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

 

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and
gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance
and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree
burns.
With his skin already starting to blister and noting the
severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes
continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a
sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks,
"What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?"





"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

_________________________________________________________________

 

Thank You BCGray for the info re: pictures.
Funny stuff people.

 

You're an 80's kid if:


1. You ever ended a sentence w/ the word "PSYCHE!"

2. You watched Pound Puppies
3. You can sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish.
5. You yearned to be a member of the babysitters club and tried to start one.
6. You owned those lil Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on "Blossom"
8. Two words: M.C.Hammer
9. If you ever watched Fraggle Rock
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars. (HELL YEAH!!!)
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales"......and you just sang "Duck Tales, a woo hoo!" in your head
12. It was actually worth getting up on Sat morning to watch cartoons
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head
14. You saw "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen
15. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class.
16. You had a clip that held your shirt in a knot at the side
17. You played the game MASH (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it
19. L.A. Gear... need I say more
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in kindergarten
21. You remember all of the Ramona books
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"
23. You wanted to be a Goonie
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing (some head to toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson REALLY looked like
26. You ever wondered why Smufette was the only female smurf
27. You took lunch pals to school
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence
30. Barbie and the Rockers were your fav band
31. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up
32. You thought your childhood friends would never leave you b/c you exchanged friendship bracelets
33. You ever owned a pair of jelly shoes (and probably in neon colors)
34. After Pee-Wee's Big Adventures you kept saying "I know you are but what am I"
35. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
36. You remember skating before inline skates
37. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip-n-slide
38. You had a Skip-it
39. You had or attended a b-day party at Mc Donalds
40. You've gone thru this nodding your head in agreement
41. "Don't worry, Be happy!"
42. You wore like 8 pair of socks over tights w/ high top reeboks
43. You wore socks scrunched down
44. "Miss MARY MACK MACK MACK all dressed in BLACK BLACK BLACK"
45. Boom boxes vs. Cd players
46. Both Gremlin movies
47. "CARE BEAR STARE!"
48. You remember Rainbow Bright and My Lil Pony Tales
49. You thought Doogie Howser was hot!
50. Alf, the furry brown alien from Melmac
51. New Kids On the Block when they were cool
52. Knew all the characters and there life stories on the ORIGINAL Saved by the Bell
53. Know all the words to Bon Jovi- SHOT THRU THE HEART
54. You just sang it to yourself
55. You remember when Mullets were cool
56. You tight rolled your pants
57. You owned a banana clip


(I remember these from my kids in the eighties)

 

@ Darlene:- Believe it or not, some of that '80's stuff is too RECENT for me to have got into it! Somehow, the Eighties doesn't seem that far back to me, sigh!

 

I'm only familiar with most of it from my children and no I didn't participate in the 60's was busy with kids. Do remember some 50's tho.

 

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time....So ... do you think we should .. well ... you know ... screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him.

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

Wow!
Everybody got funny while I was away!
Heartwarming to come back to such hilarious jokes!
Darlene, you're outdoing yourself! So much fun reading them all.
Thanks for the laughs!

abri

 

Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down"

 

A geeky one you may or may not have heard before.....

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male!!!

 

Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

 

WHAT SEX ARE THEY?

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to
light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain
water.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female!.... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But
consider, it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't
always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

 

New exercise routine if you're over 40. You might want to take
it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It
may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before
starting any exercise program!

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NOW SCROLL UP.. .
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a Beer.

 

Hey, I already posted that one ... pay attention!