Jokes

DARLENE are you sure it's not just http://bestsmileys.com/notlistening/2.gifhttp://bestsmileys.com/mouthzippedshut/4.gifhttp://bestsmileys.com/eating1/15.gif

 

Could be, we sound like a comedy skit from Saturday Night Live, who was that Rose Rosanna Dana or are familiar with that? was the old one


Found one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxULYcZlEuM

 

soory don't know that but it's fun here sometimes.

i am born English my wife is Flemish and sometimes if i don't like what she is saying i pretend i can't understand her it gets her really mad and then she catches on and uses some really naughty words (those i understand)http://bestsmileys.com/clueless/6.gif

 

Just a friendly reminder gang the "Mods" and the owners of this site want to keep it "PG" so please edit your own posts here or we will lose the Joke Thread, as they have already deleted some, and threatened to "Pull" the Joke Thread if they have to tell us again. Thanks

 

one rated funny.......
A little boy was overheard praying:"Lord,if you can't make me a better boy,don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3-year old:"Our Father Who does art in heaven,Harold is his name. Amen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 

i hope it's not one of my jokes that has crossed the line if so DEEPLY SORRY it has never been my wish to degenerate anyone be it Race/colour or creed i just enjoy finding these little gems as do the other main participants.

we have been pushing the boundaries a little of late with what you might call risque jokes i have so many that would cross over that line but just try to post those that will give a smile to others.

i hope the MODs and Owners will give us a little leeway and be generous enough to let us keep on telling our stories if we promise to tone down the content.

you can see by the number of visits it is popular.

i said earlier in the post it has never been MY intention to offend.

 

Hey Bill my post wasn't really aimed at anyone, just a reminder that we must all try to keep the jokes as clean as possible, so we can keep posting them. And Hey I have been reprimanded in the past for some of my postings here, and I must say the Owners and Mods have been pretty lenient, trusting that we will try to tone it down if it gets a little too racy.

 

Great news BC as you know i am MEEK AND MILD MANNERED (sorry that's SUPERMAN) the BIONIC BELGIAN

 

Good Greif you should see some of the stuff that been posted :innocent

 

Okay time for some photo Jokes

Ever wonder what became of the "Mad" Kid
http://img329.imageshack.us/img329/3006/bushanimationox0.gif

Who says "God" doesn't have a sense of Humour

http://img175.imageshack.us/img175/800/godmakingpb0.jpg

Ever wonder were your "Smilies" come from

http://img329.imageshack.us/img329/6206/weresmiliescomefromjg4.gif

Married Men's "Dream Seatbelt"

http://img329.imageshack.us/img329/6662/mouthseatbeltuw8.jpg

 

BC how do you make your pictures so large i have trie all sorts of way without success, i used IMAGE SHACK poster size but they still come out thumbnail

 

Mine too, they used to upload larger, maybe we should go into the help forum:confused

 

Hello lovely lady i posted my(our) problem in software and MCADEM gave me(us) the solution hope it works for you, i am now good.

http://forums.majorgeeks.com/showthread.php?t=135399

http://[URL=http://imageshack.us][IMG]http://img520.imageshack.us/img520/3521/isnyctvmy3vfy4dh5eylgtzvq4.png[/URL][/IMG]

 

Thank you very much

 

A minister, a priest and a rabbi were enjoying the serenity of a country dipping pond.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies from town approached them.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied... "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face that they would recognize."

 

EEEW uke

LOL

 

News Item:- Earthquake Hits Mexico

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except for France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

“God Bless America"

 

Too true to be funny

 

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

 

http://img245.imageshack.us/img245/3022/isa8et1k1aohtjkgirm3mw9ja8.pngOne evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies " our son in-law!"

 

http://img214.imageshack.us/img214/2630/isxkgwllbf8mhpvo9lnnu3hhw7.png

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

 

http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/7749/issrbikstesbec4kgn7mffogs4.png

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

 

Billmcc66 there are kids around here...

 

Your right Sailor Some is offensive to me and I don't offend easily,

Well I don't :mad

 

Thirty Lines to make you Smile


1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs?A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
30... "Beer is Proof God Loves Us and Wants Us Happy ! " ~Ben Franklin

 

It was Friday morning, and that meant it was time for an activity that the teacher called "add to the picture". The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.

The teacher called on James to start things off.

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/8324/jokegm1.th.png

James returned to his seat.

The teacher called on Ernie next.

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/4969/joke1ui4.th.png

Ernie returned to his seat.

Now it was Suzy's turn.

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/2659/joke2cc0.th.png

Suzy returned to her seat.

Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board.

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/8544/joke3qx9.th.png

Jerry returned to his seat.

Verdonna was called to the board..

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/2446/joke4su5.th.png

Verdonna returned to her seat.

About this time,
little Bobby began waving his arm hysterically. Little Bobby was well known for being off center,
so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything.
But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Bobby could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty..
So she called on little Bobby, and he ran to the chalkboard.

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/9571/joke5rd0.th.png

The entire class erupted with laughter... the Teacher fainted.

Little Bobby had done it again.

Ya Think!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Shopping

 

A blonde was looking sad reading a news article, when asked
what was wrong she said she just read that Brazilian solders were killed.
Pausing a moment she then asked, "how many is a Brazilian anyway"?

 

Numbers 1 & 3 are basically the same rolleyes

 

I heard this one at work, kinda funny.

So Joe Bob goes to the track every day. Now Joe Bob starts to notice that when the priest blesses a horse, the horse comes in first every time. After a week of seeing the horses that were blessed win the race, Joe Bob takes out his life's savings and put it on the horse the priest is blessing.

The race starts, and Joe Bob's horse comes in dead last. Joe Bob is devastated. He walks up to the priest and asks him why every horse the priest blessed came in first until today.

The priest looks at him, then replies, 'that is the problem with you protestants. You can't tell the difference between a baptism and the last rights'...

E

 

Hope this isn't a repeat.

Drinking with a Redneck Girl


A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl were in the same bar.

When the Mexican finished his beer, he threw his glass in the
air, pulled out his pistol, and shot the glass to pieces. He then said,
"In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same
one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drank his beer, threw
his glass into the air, pulled out his AK-47, and shot the glass to
pieces. He said, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glass that we
don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picked up her beer, downed it
in one draft, threw the glass into the air, whipped out her 45, and
shot the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on
the bar, and calling for a refill, she said, "In America we have so many
illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones
twice."

God Bless America !

 

"Personal Ad"

SBF Seeks Male companionship.
I love long walks in the woods.
Riding in your pickup truck.
Hunting
Camping
Fishing trips.
Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
Rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work.
Kiss me and I'm yours.
I'm a svelte good looking girl who loves to play.
Call 800-0000 and ask for Daisy.






The phone number is the ASPCA





...............and I'm an eight week old black Labrador.

 

About the femine products i tell my husband if you want to use "it" you have to help keep it clean.

 

Dear Diary

 

Why is it doing that??????????????? :confused

 

Hmm, let's see.

Funny Denise, I like that one. But why is the dog green? Try saving it as a Jpeg, seems to be a more compatable format.

E

 

Thank You Very Much

 

roflmao No Bell Peace Prize roflmao

 

have you been spying on me again i have done this before

 

Five tips for a woman...

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4.. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

 

The definition of ”GUTTS“:…when a man comes home late one night, as drunk as a lord. His wife is waiting for him with a broom in her hand and he asks her: ”Are you cleaning the house or are you flying somewhere?“



A husband forgot his wedding anniversary. His angry wife demanded: ”Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under 4 seconds!“

Next morning wife found a parcel in the driveway containing a new bathroom scale…



Wife stands infront of her mirror and said to her husband: ”I am fat, old and no longer pretty. I am wrinkled and my breasts hang..Give me a compliment“ when he replied:

“Your eyesight is still excellent though!“

http://www.websmileys.com/sm/cartoon/1263.gif

 

The trainers last minute instructions to a jockey were to shout "Up and Over" at each jump.
The jockey considered this stupid and ignored these instructions.
The horse clumsily tripped over the first two hurdles and then the jockey shouted "Up and Over" at each jump. So... won the race.
The trainer asked him, "What happened in the first two jumps? You ignored my instructions didnt you?"
The jockey replied, "No, the horse must be deaf."
"No way!!!" the trainer insisted. "Blind, yes....but not deaf..."



A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to ?"
"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, "you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,you IDIOT ?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
http://bestsmileys.com/havenice/2.gif

 

some viruses to look out for



The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows

http://www.websmileys.com/sm/comp/comp16.gif

 

Thats real big gutts!

 

Hi Darlene back after my sabbatical i have new source for my jokes (not so naughty)

Three men died and stood in front of God.

God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.

A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

http://www.websmileys.com/sm/trans/fahr29.gif

 

Hey great to have you Back BILLMCC66 knew you couldn't resist the "Funnies"

 

i got withdrawal symptoms had to have my joke fix

http://bestsmileys.com/hyper/5.gif

 

Nice play on words! I have one for you:

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 

What does an insomniac who is agnostic with dyslexia do all night?



















Lies awake wondering if there really is a dog