Jokes

Ten Commandments, Cowboy Style.

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?

Y'all have a good Day.
Ya hear now ?

 

Cat Herders roflmao

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk7yqlTMvp8

 

Q: Where do women have short black curly hair?

A: Papua New Guinea.

My favorite new Joke

 

How Government Works

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.


The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700"


The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."


"Done!" replies the government official.

And that friends, is how it all works!

 

Abbot & Costello Telephone Call


My phone rang…Ringggggggggggggggggggggggggg

"Who's calling?" I answered.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this Jo Jo Brighton?"

"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
Why not?
Huh? What do you mean why not?
Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
But I told you my name!
Didn't you say you will not?
Not not, knott, Will Knott!
That's what I mean.
So you know my name.
Of course not!
Good. So now, what is yours?
Watt. Yours?
Your name!
Watt's my name.
How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
Look I have been very patient and I have told you my name and you have not even told me yours yet.
You have been patient, what about me? I have told you my name so many times and it is you who have not told me yours yet.
Of course not!
See, you even know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
Because I don't.

(Pause)

What is your name?
See, you know my name!
Of course not!
Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
To find out your name!
But you already know it!
What?
See, and you know mine!
Of course not!
Exactly!

NOW SHE’S AT THE POINT WHERE SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS MY NAME, BUT EVEN I’M GETTING CONFUSED AS TO WHAT IS MY NAME.

Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name is, what will be your answer?
Watt's my name.
No, no, give me only one word.
Watt
Your name!
Right!

(pause )

Oh, Wright!
Yeah!
So why didn't you say it before?
I told you so many times!
You never said Wright before
Of course I did.
Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
I do not.
Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
I do not!
Good!

(pause before it hits her)

Oh, Guud!
Good.
No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
No, it's Knott!
Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
Yes Wright.

NOW WE ARE BOTH TOTALLY CONFUSED AS WE BOTH THINK WE KNOW EACH OTHER'S NAME AS WELL!

Watt do you think ?? Do we or do we Knott ???

 

Helicopter & MS

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle at night when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

 

Just because I felt like this this Morning

http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/704/popoutofbedju2.jpg

 

Cool jokes BC
The garfield one relates to me alright LOL

 

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a
sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman
clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then
another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way
through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can't ring it for yourself."


http://bestsmileys.com/angry1/5.gif




Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.

The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

A blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang. It was her husband, urgently warning her: 'Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the I90. Please be careful!'

'It's not just one car!' said the blonde. 'There's hundreds of them!'

 

*_Three Men on a Hike_*

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, Violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! ..... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim Across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength And the tools to cross the river"

Poof! ..... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was Able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross The river"

Poof! ..... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one Hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT! "If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!"



***************

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

you might like this email stripper, easy to use, can't remember if it came from here, if not sorry.

 

That's yours after running it through the emailstripper, the download for it is at the bottom of the page. Mankind had suggested one to me before but I lost it (don't ask) anyway found this one, not the same one but works good. Hope I didn't offend you.

 

IF GOD WAS HERE TODAY

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society. Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before... At this point God created Hell.
http://bestsmileys.com/frustrated/1.gif

 

oh my roflmaoroflmaoroflmao

 

Sounds about right for here also. Same bureaucrats

 

Things only a Mother can Teach

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you... then you'll see what it's like"
http://bestsmileys.com/cleaning/1.gif

 

Skeletons in the closet

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


http://bestsmileys.com/misbehaving/3.gif

 

I've seen that before so if it's a over a few weeks old you can most likely double or triple the offenses plus add lord knows what to the list.
They're going to come and drag me away one of these days. rolleyes:wave

 

Kids will say the darnedest Things



1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock,

I heard my 5-year- old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."


3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her..

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"


6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.

Finally he said, "What'd he do?"


7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teethsoaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,

she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"


8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "Andwhy not, darling?" ;

"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."


9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."


10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

 

CUTE!!

 

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Su Wong Marries Lee Wong

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him




Sum Ting Wong !!!

 

Forgive me If this is a repeat for I havent read them all
I thought this one was pretty funny though.



An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of
church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables
and yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38" (Repent and be baptized, in the name
of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,
"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture
to you."

Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

 

Hey Remoc & dyamond two great onesroflmaoroflmao

 

haha.. That ones my favorite.

 

I like this one
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

LOL guess thats from my dark side

 

I don't know if these have been posted, but makes a good re-read.

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW in to a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. ; She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'. She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKETA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She c omes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' n'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down
his window, turned on his bullhorn an d yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO.......,' answered the blond. 'They'

 

Oppps, looks like I didn't copy and paste right. rolleyes

The end of that is, "They are Watch dogs." :banghead

 

A store that sells wives opens in Dallas, TX, where a man may go to =
choose a wife from among MANY women. The store is comprised of 6 floors, =
and the women increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the =
flights.

There is however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may =
choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go =
back down except to exit the building--no stopping on any lower floors.

A man goes to the shopping center to find a wife.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These women have jobs.

The man reads the sign and says to himself,

"Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I wonder what's = further up?" So up he goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiles to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's = further up?"

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are = extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better!" he says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are = extremely good looking and do all the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the man, "Very tempting. BUT, there must be more, = much more, further up!" He heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are = extremely good looking, do all the housework and don't bitch and gripe =
about anything.

"Hot Damn! How close to perfect can you get? But just think...what = must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor he goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 133,956,779,012 to this floor. There are = no women on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that men are =
impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day.:drool

 

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."

http://img522.imageshack.us/img522/4025/3633ub9.gif






A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

 

Kestrel, have you been reading our local newspaper online? It wouldn't suprise me to see that in the news here.



E

 

Great ones Kestrel13!

From the mouth of Babe’s


A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked,
"What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
"We're not going to have babies………………….”


“Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

 

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/1599/541160raptoxnv2.jpg

 

That's funny Bill

 

Seeking technical support for Girlfriend v2.0:

Seeking technical support for Girlfriend v2.0:

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 2.0 and am having some problems. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run Girlfriend in background mode with the sound switched off. But I'm embarrassed to say that I can't find the button to turn it off. I just run them separately, and it works OK. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0.

My friend also told me that Girlfriend 2.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. And after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he said is a huge resource hog. On top of that, Wife 1.0 comes bundled with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that can't be turned off. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.

Anybody out there able to offer technical advice.......?

 

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh m gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

 

Software Development Cycle
Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the box along with the indecipherable manual and 12-paragraph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way of an elaborate path, through the most rigid quality control on the planet. Here, shared for the first time with the general public, are the inside details of the program development cycle.

1 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2 Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3 Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4 Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.

5 See 3.

6 See 4.

7 See 5.

8 See 6.

9 See 7.

10 See 8.

11 Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on an overly optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.

12 Users find 137 new bugs.

13 Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.

14 Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

15 Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

16 Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

17 New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.

18 Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

http://www.websmileys.com/sm/comp/comp11.gif

 

Evaluations
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from National government employee performance evaluations:


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

 

"Personal ads" in the Dublin News

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street
at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiance, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced
bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double- jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister

 

For Sale
$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service (Expensive). It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f**k you want" doesn't mean what I thought.
Call me, Steve. xxx-8292

 

Shampoo
Trying to control her dry hair, she treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she
washed her hair several times.

That night when she went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"I don't think so.," he said, sniffing the air. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

 

WWJD
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds
a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda...
"The Apostles were in one Accord."

 

Hard To Say
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Indubitably;
- Innovative;
- Preliminary;
- Proliferation.


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
- Specificity;
- British Constitution;
- Passive-aggressive disorder;
- Loquacious Transubstantiate.


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

- Thanks, but I don't want to have sex;
- Nope, no more beer for me;
- Sorry, but you're not really my type;
- Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight;
- Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

 

The Last Nickel... Technique

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a nickel. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickel and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

 

Breaking News
Idaho Senator Withdraws Resignation

Less than one week after announcing his intention to resign from office, embattled Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) changed course today, telling reporters in Washington, “I will not blow this job.”

Over the past few days, there had been whispers in Republican circles that Sen. Craig had, in the words of one of the Idaho senator’s associates, “pulled out too early,”

“At the end of the day, Larry does not want to blow this job,” the associate said. “He will do whatever it takes to win back the support of his constituents, even if it means getting down on his knees.”

Another associate of Sen. Craig’s agreed that the Idaho senator announced his intention to vacate his Senate seat too hastily: “I think Larry now feels that to leave office on September 30 would be a premature evacuation.”

Sen. Craig got a key vote of support from Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Penn), who held a press conference at the Senate today to call the charges against the Idaho senator a “bum rap.”

But even as Sen. Craig picked up the support of Sen. Specter, a source close to the Republican caucus indicated that most Republicans are “backing away” from Sen. Craig.

For his part, Sen. Craig told reporters that he would take whatever steps are necessary to find favor with his Republican colleagues: “I will absolutely bend over backwards.”

 

Hope you all enjoyed.
If these are too colorful let me know.
I love all the jokes others have posted.

 

Your name

 

Everything was so funny, loved the Evaluations, made me LOL, then of course I cough, well worth it :wave

 

The Ultimate Computer
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The Ultimate Computer Company's top salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demonstration of the Ultimate Computer's abilities.
"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".
Skeptical about the Ultimate Computer's abilities, one man from the tour named Sam stepped forward and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone.
"Where is my father?" he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights (that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people), and then a *ding* as a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: "Fishing off Florida".
Sam smirked and then laughed in smug satisfaction.
"Actually,", said Sam, "my father is dead. Your Ultimate Computer is a flop!" It had been a trick question!!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Sam thought once more, went up to the Ultimate Computer and this time said into the microphone: "Where is my mother's husband?"
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again there was a *ding* as the little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida".

 

Its been along while scenes this has been posted so its about time

If World War Two had been an online Real Time Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this ******* sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the **** up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is ******* weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bull**** u **** im gunna kick ur *****
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little ***** ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge ******* army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bull**** u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u *******l! WE HAD A ******* TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an ***
Churchill: dont be a ******. oops too late
Eisenhower: lol
benny-tow: hahahh oh **** help
Hitler: o man ur ******
paTTon: oh what now *****
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my ****
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nut**** lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun **********
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are ******* ***
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: roflololol
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: **** u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base ******
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: **** this **** im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is ***
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: **** now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be *** gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u ******* suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumb***
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: **** u all
tru_m4n: shut up ****** lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all ****
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o ****
*paTTon has left the game.*