Jokes

A guy leaves the airport terminal and gets into a taxi.
"47 East Hudson Street, please," he says.
The taxi driver turns and says, "Of course Sir, but I have to tell you that this is my first day driving taxis and I'm not too sure of the way, do you mind helping me?"
"No problem, " says the passenger.
The taxi driver sets off in the right direction and as they come up to a junction the passenger leans forward and taps the driver on the shoulder. The driver jumps up in his seat and screams as if the very Devil were after him. Quickly regaining composure he says, "Should I turn here?"
"Yes," replies the shaken passenger, "Turn right."
The driver does so, but at the next junction, when he taps the driver's shoulder, once again there is a blood curdling scream, before he can say, "Left here."
This happens at every junction until the passenger finally asks, "Why do you scream every time that I tap your shoulder?"
"Well Sir," he explained, "I told you this was my first day in the job; for the last thirty years I've been driving a hearse!"

 

An atheist is out for a walk in the woods when he is attacked by a bear! The bear runs him down and grabs him with his left paw while raising his right paw for the death blow. The atheist screams out "Oh please God help me!"

There is a flash of lightning and a mighty clap of thunder and all is suddenly still, the bear is frozen in his attack. The voice of God booms out into the silence, "Why should I save an atheist?"

The atheist replies, "Well I guess I would be pushing my luck if I were to say that, if you save me, I'll become a Christian."

"You sure would be", said God, "I think I'll have to let the bear eat you, you have left it far too late to sign on now."

"See your point", says the atheist, "but how about you make the bear a Christian?"

"That's a good idea!" says God. There is another flash of lightning and another mighty clap of thunder and things start to move again. The bear grabs the atheist and says, "Lord for what we are about to receive, make us truly thankful."

 

A woman took a very limp duck into a vet's. As she lay her pet on the
table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his
head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later
with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird
from
head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
£150.00."

 

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back before midnight.
Your loving husband

When he got home he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that! We are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

Your loving wife

 

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful black bra, panties, stockings and high heels. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it.

She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'Screw him; give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."

 

Great ones shanemail, sounds like you fell into the joke bin Bro

 

A bloke walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you all a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my pecker inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my pecker unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his pecker in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his unit - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again. "I'll make you another offer. I'll pay $100 to anyone who's willing to give this a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A timid young man spoke up. "I'll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

"Mary... Mary.... "

"Is that you Fred?"

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

"What is it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again."

"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

 

A priest was tired of the same old, same old on Sunday. He decided to call in sick and let one
of his assistants handle the Sunday services.

Of course, he could not stay home 'sick'. Instead, he went out to play a round of golf.

An angel reported the less-than-scupulous activities to God.

"You're not going to let him get away with that are you?" asked the angel.

"I guess not," said God.

God looked down and watched as the priest teed up a ball on a par 4 hole. The priest swung at
the ball with his usual haphazard stance, swing and follow through which usually sent the ball
off in some random direction. But, God waved his hand and the ball sails down the center of
the fairway, bounces onto the green and rolls into the hole.

The angel watched this. He turned to God and asked, "Why did you do that? You just gave him a
hole-in-one!"

God smiled with the infinite wisdom of the ages and said, "Who's he going to tell?"

 

The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published.
To whom it may concern:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £40 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to the bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has recently become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status form, which I

Require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history, must be countersigned by a Notary Public; and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which, he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from.

Please press the buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer

is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of £40 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Customer

 

Hair Spray

A young man was pulling worms to go fishing as his grandfather watched. The grandfather got thoughtful a moment and said " I bet you can't get those worms back in the hole again" the grandson said "Sure I can granddad" The grandfather said "$40 if you prove it". The grandson runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray, sprays the worm till it is stiff as a board and pops it back into the hole. Grinning the grandfather said "I'll pay you in the morning". The next morning the grandfather hands the lil boy $100". "But granddad the bet was only $40" said the Lil boy.


........"Yes" replied the grandfather "the rest is from grandma"

 

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold
50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

 

Hot nuns and viagra

 

A hunter set out for the woods with his rifle, looking for bear. A couple of hours passed and he saw brown fur deep in the bushes.
He took careful aim and fired, there was a great commotion in the undergrowth and he hurried to the spot to see what he had shot.

He was amazed to find no trace of the animal and was still searching when a paw tapped him on the shoulder, he turned to find a big male bear, wearing a nasty expression. He was amazed when the bear took his gun and snapped it in half.

He was even more amazed when the bear spoke “That was not a nice thing to do?” said the bear. Displaying a handful of very large sharp claws the bear said “I am going to have to kill you now, Unless!”

“Unless what?” the hunter said.

“Unless you step behind that bush remove your jeans and underwear, bend over and let me have my way with you” said the bear.

With no other option the hunter complied and following a very painful interlude walked - with difficulty - back to camp.

A few days later, armed with a bigger gun, he set out for the woods again.

Following a long hike through the trees he saw a bear in plain sight beside some bushes, took aim and shot it. The hunter ran to the place to see if it was the same bear. There was no bear to be seen. He was still searching the under growth when he felt a familiar tap on the shoulder.

It was the same bear, who took his gun and bent it into a circle. “What is it to be?” The bear asked. “Be torn to death or service me and, my four brothers?”

The hunter reached camp two days later, crawling on all fours. He took a week to heal and then, armed with the biggest gun he could find, the hunter set off determined to find revenge. Deep in the woods, once again, he saw a brown furry shape almost hidden by a tree. Taking careful aim he shot it.

When he reached the scene he saw there was no corpse. He stepped around the tree to check and found a long line of smiling bears.

At which time a familiar voice said: "You’re not really here for the hunting, are you?"

 

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!

 

I apologise in advance for this one, but here it is anyway
--------------------------------------------------------

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One
summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one
thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance
around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off,
but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange
of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the cops,
but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed
that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic
devices?"
He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a! towel and our big radio
and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really
doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping
up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband
and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the
road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should
have.

"Well, What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."
"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied.

She sells C cells down by the sea shore.

 

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?"

"Yes, right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie replies so he asks him for a million bucks.

The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead in heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch bic?!"

 

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Metre board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps.

After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...

 

Mel and Tino were both patients in an El Camino mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mel suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Tino promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mel out.

When the medical director became aware of Tino's heroic act, he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Tino the news, he said, "Tino, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind. The bad news is, Mel, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Tino replied: "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

 

This is really bad taste...

 

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood,
it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

.

 

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When the postal authorities in Royal Oak received the letter to God they decided to send it to Gov. Granholm.

She was so amused that she instructed her secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The governor thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Lansing, MI and those ahoes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

 

Last edited by BCGray : Today at 22:02. Reason: Bad boy Birdbath took out that naught F adjective for you

Yeah B.C. I guess using ******* to cover it just dont cut it.

 

Yea BB mainly I edited it because the Joke just didn't need it to be Great, and it saves it from being deleted by someone more sensitive.

Just a friendly reminder to one and all, please try to self edit your jokes so they are PG13. Nobody wants to delete jokes, but if they cross the line, and others complain they will have to go. Lets not make the "Joke Thread" a problem area for the Admins or the whole thread will disappear.

 

A man at the bar looks sad and worried. When asked why, he says: "Well, my wife has started to go to all the bars in town."

"So sad! She's becoming an alcoholic, then?"

"No. She's looking for me."

 

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.

As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"

The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?'"

 

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof So he looks in the
>yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He
>calls
>the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
>
>The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a
>baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to
>do,"
>the homeowner asks?
>
>I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
>up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When
>the
>bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not
>let
>go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage
>in
>the back of the van."
>
>He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
>
>"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
>
>"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"

 

After a terrible storm, a sailor, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck, and they found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the sailor.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog became jealous, growling fiercely until the sailor took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and during another storm, there was yet another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the sailor had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the sailor started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. ''Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?'' a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, ''Nope.'' As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Ain't my dog.''

 

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Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the tract as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last Rites."


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George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial would be very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul suggested that, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

George thought for some time and responded, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, said "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he rose from the dead!

I just can't take that chance.

 

(sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland)


Dogs tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening'.
It's yellow, not white -- I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wand'ring vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's my property!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."


In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!


Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast;
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland.

 

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."


So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

http://bestsmileys.com/toliot/7.gif

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

 

Dedicated to all who ever taught children.

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."



She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next week.
http://bestsmileys.com/innocent/1.gif

 

Before Computers

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And a floppy disk was something
Terribly wrong in your back.

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

 

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

4. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

6. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

7. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

8. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from hitting the snooze button so that you can roll over and go back to sleep.

9. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you will be afraid to cough.

l0. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the tooth.

 

THE 25 RULES OF ORDER

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I
thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut
butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy
and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then
beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the
butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the
month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse
will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger
handle this?"

25. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.

 

An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in
Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the Landlord there
goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks,
he'll buy the 5th one for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman
there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ha, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
of this is on the house."

The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims, but he swears that it's true. "Well," said the Englishman, "Did
this actually happen to you?"

"No, not meself personally, no." said the Irishman, "But it did happen
to my sister!"

 

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

 

Puns

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is a form of floor play.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A backward poet writes inverse.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

"Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for almost a year.
I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is
not only very attractive but really great and understanding.
She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place
to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed
it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me.
She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to make love to me.
Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five seconds and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation.
I headed straight out the front door . . . there, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be.

He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl.
I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?
Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?"

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

 

@ shanemail, you've had an explosion of funny

 

All the jokes are great guys!! roflmao roflmao

 

"One Last Wish"

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

roflmao

 

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY... BUT DON'T DARE TO

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision, I just don't give a darn.

Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you
being competent.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

 

Whats in a name
Definition of the word 'Politics'

Latin - Poli = Many
Tics = Blood sucking parasites

 

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've
discovered:

ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

FOUR- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.

TWELVE- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

THIRTEEN- The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

FIFTEEN- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

SIXTEEN- It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

 

What I've Learned

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.......... Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back .........Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up .............Age 13

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up ......Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me .....Age 15

I've learned that everyone is insecure sometimes...........Age 19

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice .......Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's greatest pleasures ..........Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there ..........Age 29

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it .........Age 35

I've learned that you can make someone's day just by smiling and saying hello ..........Age 42

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others ...........Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies........Age 47

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone .....Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these 3 things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.......Age 52

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills ........ Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die........Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.......Age 58

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance..............Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back...........Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you........Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision .....Age 66

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one........Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back ............Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn ..........Age 92

 

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel
like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and
nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

 

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going
to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women
and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house
and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one sitting on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."