Jokes

An older couple went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50 for his services.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"
The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, so we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $110. The Hilton charges $150. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

 

A teacher gave her class an assignment - go home and ask your parents to
tell you a story that has a moral to it. The next day, the kids came back
and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father is a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
He told me about a time that he was taking the eggs to market in a basket on
the front seat of his pickup when he hit a bump and all the eggs went
flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what is the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" Kathy replied.

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"My dad is a farmer too but he raises chickens for the meat market. He
told me about a time when he had two dozen eggs but only got 15 chicks when
they hatched. The moral of the story is, don't count your chickens until
they are hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Gus do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was
a flight engineer in the war and her plane was shot down. She had to
bail out and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun
and a machete. On the way down, she drank the whiskey so it would not break.
When she landed, she was in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she
killed twenty more with the machete until the blade lodged in some bone and
broke, and then she killed the rest with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

 

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.

I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're Bull-S--in' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

My car to date

 

Just the "Little Old Lady from Pasadena" eh DarleneLOLLOL

 

Now there's an oldie

 

Still a great Tune by the California Beach Boys though ain't it Darlene, dang now I have BB tunes racing through my head

TimW(aka Timmie) like to say he's older than dirt, but I was born before we even hade dirtLOLLOL

 

Your going to laugh - I totaly forgot it was a song DUH LOL
Now I hear it, go granny go granny go granny go

 

oooooooooooo :boxing

 

Hahaha darlene.. where did you get that tag from??

 

came in my email with the car and more, those were the funniest I thought,
this is one BC posted a while back

 

BUNNY JOKES

Q: What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
A: Its been nice gnawing you.

Q: The more he takes away the bigger it becomes. What is it?
A: A rabbit hole.

Q: How is a rabbit like a Q-tip?
A: They both have cotton tails.

Q: What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit cent?
A: One is a mad bunny and the other is bad money.

Q: What would you call a rabbit who is mad at the sun?
A: A hot cross bunny.

Q: What would you get if you crossed a rabbit with a bumblebee?
A: A honey bunny.

Q: How is a rabbit like a cornstalk?
A: They both have big ears.

Q: Why is a leaky faucet like a cowardly bunny?
A: Because it runs.

Q: Why is a rabbit like a cent?
A: Because it has a head on one end and a tail on the other.

 

Q: What`s the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: Another lawyer.

 

A Rangers fan and a Celtic fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars (with football stickers on windows) are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Celtic fan says, "So you're a Rangers fan, that's interesting. I'm a Celtic fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Rangers fan replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!" The Rangers fan continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good fortune."

Then he hands the bottle to the Celtic fan. The Celtic fan nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Rangers fan. The Rangers fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Celtic fan.

The Celtic fan asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rangers fan replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

 

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer(WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 Good friends to the nearest pub.


Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


This virus is DEADLY(Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).

Update 03-22-06: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

 

Thats pretty cute Lev

 

The 11th Husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please
be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married
ten times?"

"Well, husband # 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back
with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of
the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was....God I miss
him.

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited."

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"Your're with the "GOVERNMENT." This time I KNOW I'M gonna get
SCREWED."

 

Installing Windows

http://i174.photobucket.com/albums/w107/EdGein_2007/InstallingWindows.jpg

.

 

Why Wedding Dresses Are White
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy humor:
A son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

 

Poodle vs. Leopard

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company.

One day, Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"


Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! "
Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Bull*&#@ and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged. You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?

 

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the livingroom and I said to her;
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle.If that ever happens, just pull the plug'.


She got up, unpluged the TV and then threw out my beer. She's such a grouch_____
:zzz

 

great start to my day! thanks fellas

 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred the needle if you sew!

 

A pair of chickens walk up to the reception desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives them to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She follows them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hides behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She sees the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond. To which the frog keeps saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

 

Famous scientists when asked the question 'Why did the chicken cross the road?, gave the following answers:
Andre Ampere: 'To keep up with current events.'
Albert Einstein: 'Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?'
Alexander Graham Bell: 'To get to the nearest phone.'
Robert Boyle: 'She had been under too much pressure at home.'
James Watt: 'It thought it would be a good way to let off steam.'
Thomas Edison: 'She thought it would be an illuminating experience.'
Jean Foucault: 'It didn't. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.'
Karl Gauss: 'Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the other side.'
Gustav Hertz: 'Lately, its been crossing with greater frequency.'
Georg Ohm: 'There was more resistance on this side of the road.'
Erwin Schrodinger: 'Since the wording of the question implies the absence of an observer (else the fowl's motivation might easily be deduced), it is evident that the chicken simultaneously did and did not cross the road. In the face of this, any speculation as to the bird's purpose must be viewed as mere sophistry - and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion.'

 

A drunk Roman is driving home from Pompeii one night and, of course, his chariot is weaving violently all over the road.
A city guard waves him over. "So," says the guard to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the taverna of course," slurs the drunk charioteer.
"Well," says the guard, "it looks like you've had quite a few flagons of wine this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the guard, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your chariot?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

 

In Viking times, many years ago, there lived a warrior called Olf. He was not a pleasant character to meet, being typically aggressive and extremely rude to all he met. Like many of his time, he had an enormous bushy ginger beard, so was called 'Olf the Red' by his men.
One day, near Christmas time, he was about to set off to pillage a few Christmas pressies.
“You'll need your heavy fur on today Olf, it's snowing,” announced his browbeaten wife.
“That's rain, woman.”
‘Well, it’s white and flakey.”
"It's rain I tell you. Rain .....Rain... Rain! " roared Olf.
"But.."
"Let me make it clear," he said, "Rude Olf the Red knows rain dear"

roflmao

 

Good un Grumbles. I like that

 

You liked that

Well here is another !

The scene: inside a taxi.
The taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, and swerves up onto the pavement, stopping centimeters from a shop window.
For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver whispers, "Don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me..."
The passenger apologises, saying he didn't realise that a little tap could scare someone so much.
The driver replies, "Sorry mate, it's not really your fault. Today's my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
roflmao

 

Nice joke Mankind Had me in tears

 

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" “I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him.

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

 

I take it that the plane flies backwards! roflmao

 

A man went to the doctor because he didn't feel well. "What do you eat?" asked the doctor. "For breakfast I have a couple of red snooker balls, and at lunchtime I grab a black, a pink and two yellows. I have a brown with my tea in the afternoon, and then a blue and another pink for dinner."
"I know why you are not feeling well," exclaimed the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

 

Thats a good one Kes

@ mankind - chunks roflmao

 

This one might be reaching the barrier,:innocent


Good Sex Life
A husband leans over to his wife in a bar and says, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says. "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good, idea!" she says.

There's a man sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them behind the tavern. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the man has ever seen. This goes on for about 40 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The man is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. As the couple passes the man, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years, ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

Thats funny Ob

Here is proof of Global warming

 

Dementia

 

roflmao
Good to be able to laugh at this...because sadly, it is true about Dementia.

 

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die to avoid this type of customer service problem:

A lady died this past January, and the Bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.

The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now is somewhere around
$60.00. A family member placed a call to Bank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died back in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to Collections."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to Frauds Division or report her to the Credit Bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with
a $0 balance."

Bank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still
apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info was given)

Bank: "Could you fax us a Certificate of Death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax:

Bank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care."

Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???

 

An archaeologist was excavating in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

 

all very good jokes, keep them coming!

 

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
Balance and fall over.

6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,'
And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or .'
And can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.


2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
*
*
*
1. You keep having to go home to pee.


No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.









http://bestsmileys.com/halloween1/13.gif

 

Funny stuff MK :clap

 

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists ? 2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ?We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.? The man said, ?You can?t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.?The agent nodded and said, ?Then you?re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.?


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. ?I tried, but I can?t kill my wife.?
The agent nodded and said, ?You don?t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.?


Finally, it was the woman?s turn. She was given similar instructions ? to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots rang out, one after another.
Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. The agent was just about to go in and see what was happening when the door opened and the woman stepped out, sweating profusely.


Why didnt you say this gun was loaded with blanks?I had to beat him to death with the chair...

 

Funny stuff. When ever i need a good laugh atless i know i can always find it here

 

Just adding my 2 cents.

http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o281/obnoxious2/th_sign.jpg

I got nothing better to do at the moment.








:wave

 

Another good one Ob, I'm still chuckling over the electric fence.

 

My daddy told me when I was growing up to get a lot while I was young.
So I went and bought a cemetary plot.

I got lots of jokes and stories I get from my brothers but they are toooo nasty for the young ladies on here.

 

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

 

One for you guys out there.

http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o281/obnoxious2/th_HappyHalloween_1.jpg


Click anywhere on pict.



later