Jokes

roflmao

I alllllmost deleted that for content.

Nice one

 

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.:innocent
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.:confused
He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.":eek
The little girl thought for a moment, then she stomped them flat and said:mad
"Well, it might be okay in __________,but we're not having any of that stuff in _______.":guns

I removed the states so as not to offend anyone.


my opinion
The movie was the most offensive movie I ever attempted to watch. Needless to say I wasted $25.00 on a movie I can't stand to watch.

 

Harvest Moon

 

Pumpkin TT

 

I thought you might get a kick out of some of the remarks people are making in this thread . It's from our local newspaper.

http://forum.thetimesherald.com/viewtopic.php?t=12895


later:wave

 

Those are funny OB, thanks for sharing

 

People in my town aint got a hole lot to do so they fill the forums with funnies.

http://forum.thetimesherald.com/viewtopic.php?t=9877


some links wont work cause of some fringements.


later:wave

 

Funny people, here they are hateful, nasty folks

 

very funny guys, always a good laugh.

 

A layperson was about to finish his tour of duty, and was
leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching
the
natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was
how
to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He
points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."


The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This
is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The
layperson
was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling
in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives
in
the midst of heavy adult activity.

The layperson is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a
bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun
and
kills them.

The layperson goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent
years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other,
so
how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?




The chief replied, "My bike."


later:wave

 

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

:wave

 

I have nothing against blonds but they make such good jokes.

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"
:wave

 

Emms ,this is not meant for you with your sig.


Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"


Just wanted to keep peace with Kestrel13

later:wave

 

I think this was the same blond with the hammer.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?"
"No, Silly, " the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.


later:wave

 

TEST FOR OLD KIDS
I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember.

The answers are comming


01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man? Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in ear ly 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.

03. "Get your kicks, ___________________."

04. "The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed___________________."

05. "In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ________________."< /B>

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the "_____________."

07. "N_E_S_T_L_E_S", Nestle's makes the very best....... _______________."

08. Satchmo was America 's "Ambassador of Goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, "Good Night, and "________ ________".

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW . What other names did it go by? ____________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died."This was a tribute to ___________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________. !



:wave

 

01. Silver Bullet
02. Ed Sullivan
03. on Route 66
04. to protect the innocent (Dragnet)
05. the lion sleeps tonight.
06. <I know this but it escapes me at the moment>
07. chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. Timex
10. Freddy the Free-loader, "God Bless"
11. flags
12. Bug, Beetle
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hula Hoop

 

Limbo

 

She could of been a step-sister

 

ANSWERS:

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader,and "Good Night,and may God Bless."
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned.)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop


:wave

 

nice one

 

Its a lonely job keeping this thread alive.


Two cheerleading teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend cheerleading competition in Brisbane.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hasn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispered,
















"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER."

:wave

 

Blonde Guy Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time! I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."




Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me…………………..He makes his own lunch."

 

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.



19. You can't remember who sent you this list . :confused

 

Need A Laugh
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God... I didn't.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
1.Before marriage
2.After marriage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman,
"have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter in fact, yes!" she replied.?
"I've been divorced three times."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in the 10 items or less express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come
forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which ten items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly
neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a
table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.
"We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they
would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down
the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom.
The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage,
the bride gave him back his credit card.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Women and cats will do as they please,
Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi,
something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads,
"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers,
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three
hours.
You want my advice?" The man said yes.
The Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."

 

Microsoft for Blondes

 

Gotta stop, my computer is slowing up here, gave it CPR but it's not cured yet. :wave

 

Thank you for some support Darlene. This thread almost disappeared into last week. Some more good ones come form a great giver of laughs.


:wave

 

I think everything I have has probably been on here before, either that or I stole it from here LOL shhhhh

 

Dar
rolleyes You don't think mine are all spur of the moment comeons now do ya?I get em nasty from my brothers and try to clean them up before posting here.I send them ones I got here and from the net.


later:wave

 

Warning-warningBe prepared to hold your water as carefully as you can when viewing the following contents. This is the joke of all jokes and I can't think of any funnier.










eek:eek my 2nd wife:drink:banghead
http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o281/obnoxious2/th_wife2MaryBeth.jpg

:eek my 1st wife:confused
http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o281/obnoxious2/th_wife1KathyAnn.jpguke
She wasn't this wide when we were married:foolish


aaaaaaaaaaaaaa:wave

 

Just doin' my share to keep it goin'.


:wave

 

A Matter of Prospective

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked when you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies……………….......... “I would like to hear them say ... Hey, Look, He's Moving!"

 

Promises, Promises

 

Three stages of life - single, married, divorced

 

A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it'son the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get a towel and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook. I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

 

Like sands through the hourglass........ so grow the butts of our wives!

 

Blessings,

Port-O-San

 

Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake as hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. ;He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. ;They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising its ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed ----------------- Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world. About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in the plants for the night. She shot him.

 

@ MK Funny, bout time your back :wave

@ Port-O-San What an ending

 

I know its a rerun

OverCooked
Hop Scotch Champion

Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,126

Something to offend everyone. [jokes]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here is an email i received this morning.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not g etting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
< /B>
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flyin g at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Happy Holidays!

:

cooked
__________________
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Overcooked gets credit for this one.

 

Defense Attorney: "What's your age?"
Little Old Woman: "I am 86 years old."
Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words,
what happened to you?"
Little Old Woman: "I was sitting there in my swing on
the porch, when a young man came creeping up on the
porch and sat beside me."
Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"
Little Old Woman: "No, but he sure was friendly."
Defense Attorney: "What happened after he sat next to
you?"
Little Old Woman: "He started to rub my thigh."
Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"
Little Old Woman: "No."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "It felt good. Nobody had touched me
that way since my Abner passed away some 30 years
ago."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "He rubbed my breasts."
Defense attorney: "Did you stop him then?"
Little Old Woman: "No, I did not."
Defense attorney: "Why not?"
Little Old Woman: "Why, your honor, his rubbing made
me feel alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
years."
Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"
Little Old Woman: "I was feeling so spicy, I just
spread my old legs and said 'take me young man, take
me.'"
Defense attorney: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Woman: "Hell no, that's when he yelled
'April Fools!' and that's when I shot the son of a *****!!!"

 

YOU GOT TO LOVE THEM AMISH!!!



An Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from
his pond.

The Amishman shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen." Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have shit in it."

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand.
Please speak in English."

The Amishman says: "Use two hands,. You'll get more."

:wave

 

Obnoxious, I just have to quote Larry (The Cable Guy) "That there was funny - I don't care WHO ya are!"

 

My GrandMa was scheduled for an upper G.I. exam and, being 90 years old and a "spooky ol' gal", she was a bit flustered - so I got her to unwind by coaching her into some humor that was a bit outside her usual box.
When the nurse passed her the cup and asked her to drink, Gram was on cue and asked the nurse,"What IS this stuff?" to which the nurse predictably replied,"It's Barium". Gram replied again on cue,"I thought that's what you folks did with your mistakes!"

 

When seeing a gastroenterologist for a "scope", I thought it might be best, considering, to butter him up a bit with flattery and humour.
I told him that, of all the medical disciplines, I had the most respect for his chosen field. Doc asked me why, and I said that I felt that they were the most "cutting edge", the most advanced. This seemed to fluster him and he asked why I thought his particular discipline was so far ahead of the rest?
I said,"Well, your field WAS the first to go......... yeah, you know it......... DIGITAL.
Sorry all, but I thought it was a scream. If it does you any good, the doc didn't even crack a smile.

 

An Indianapolis Colts fan is drinking in a Cleveland bar, when he gets > a
> call on his cell phone.
>
> He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
> everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a > typical
> Indianapolis baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any > new
> baby
> can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Colts fan just shrugs and replies,
> That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical
> Indianapolis baby boy.
>
> "He's gonna be a Indianapolis Colts football player."
> Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of
> "WOW!"
>
> One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
>
> Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
> The bartender says, Say, aren't you the father of that typical > Indianapolis
> baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
> Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
>
> So, how much does he weigh now?
>
> The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
>
> The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. What
> happened?
> He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!
>
> The Colts fan father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on
> his
> shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
>
> "Had him circumcised."
>
> GO COLTS!!!
>

 

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you get kicked out of the home for being too healthy.

You spend several years enjoying your retirement and collecting
benefit checks.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you're too young to work.

So you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again. You go to elementary
school, you play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa-like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally . . . . . You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case

 

Indianapolis Colts Baby
An Indianapolis Colts fan is drinking in a Cleveland bar, when he gets > a
> call on his cell phone.
>
> He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
> everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a > typical
> Indianapolis baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any > new
> baby
> can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Colts fan just shrugs and replies,
> That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical
> Indianapolis baby boy.
>
> "He's gonna be a Indianapolis Colts football player."
> Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of
> "WOW!"
>
> One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
>
> Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
> The bartender says, Say, aren't you the father of that typical > Indianapolis
> baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
> Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
>
> So, how much does he weigh now?
>
> The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
>
> The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. What
> happened?
> He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!
>
> The Colts fan father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on
> his
> shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
>
> "Had him circumcised."

 

roflmao .... good one MK

 

Thanksgiving Joke

A lady walks in to a pet store and sees a parrot in a cage. She turns to the pet store owner and says to him "I would like to buy the parrot". The Pet store owner tells the lady "Lady, you do not want that parrot!'.

The lady looks confused at the pet store owner and repeats "I would like to buy the parrot". The pet store owner explains further "Lady, you do not want that parrot. It's former owner had a dog and the parrot learnt to bark incessantly as a result. It would drive you crazy!".

Nevertheless, the lady was adamant and told the pet store owner "I can stop the parrot from barking. I would like to buy the parrot!". So the pet store owner sold her the parrot.

The first day at home with the parrot, sure enough, the parrot begins to bark incessantly. The lady tells the parrot "You need to quit barking immediately or I will put you in the freezer for 10 minutes". The parrot cocks it's head at the lady's words, then proceeds to continue to bark incessantly. So the lady picks up the parrot and places it in the freezer.

After 10 minutes she opens the freezer and there stood the parrot with icicles hanging from it's beak. Shivering intensely, the parrot looked at the lady and spoke "Lady, please tell me....what on earth did the turkey do??????".