Jokes

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to
his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch
while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters
in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do
you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never
learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy
coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask
you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of
the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I
take the dollar, the game's over!"

 

Kids not so dumb after all

 

:cool [Hope this isn't out of line... I've edited it already...]

Doctor Dave had intimate relations with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"Dave, you're a veterinarian..."

 

Eweew LOL

 

Everyone knows those commercials with SMS sending.. For example, "Send "dude" on number 4224 and get smth!" Sometimes the people who yield to this commercials are called Fools.. This is the message for those who don't want to be a fool:
"Don't wanna be a fool? Send SMS with "I don't wanna be a fool" on number 5005!!! The more SMS you send the more you are not a fool!!!"

 

I love stories about kids!

I've read one story about 8 year old girl, who recently lost a tooth while she was staying with her grandparents. That night, she wrote the following letter to the tooth fairy:
Dear Toothfairy,
I'm so glad I lost this tooth! I spent a month trying to pull it out. OH! by the way. when do you think I'll get my molers? You can look in my mouth if you want to. can you talk to my dentist about all the money he's costing my mom? thank you. Well I better stop talking so you can grab my tooth and go to the other kids. Love, Peyton

 

Forgive an old redneck, if this pushes the envelope too far.

Drinking with a Redneck Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air,pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer,throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

"In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."
LOL

 

I like this one.

 

Emoticons

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "a$$-cons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular a$$

(__!__) a fat a$$

(!) a tight a$$

(_._) a flat a$$

(_^_) a bubble a$$

(_*_) a sore a$$

(_!__) a lop-sided a$$

{_!_} a swishy a$$

(_o_) an a$$ that's been around

(_O_) an a$$ that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my a$$

(_X_) leave my a$$ alone

(_zzz_) a tired a$$

(_o^o_) a wise a$$

(_13_) an unlucky a$$

(_$_) Money coming out of his a$$

(_?_) Dumb a$$

Sorry, Thats alot of a$$

 

roflmao Cute, Emma.

 

That is so funny Kes, true story?

 

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary
on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic
tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People
would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local
newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their
long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon
in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon,
in Arizona , and took a trip, down to the bottom of the
canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse
stumbled and she almost fell off.

My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's
once." "We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled
again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." "We
hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the
third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her
purse and shot the horse dead.

*I SHOUTED* at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did
you shoot the poor animal like that! Are you crazy?"

She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

 

A couple, both age 67 went to a sex therapists office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them
$50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple
would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems,
pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying
to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house: I'm married
and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get
$43 back from Medicare.

 

seems I am brain dead.

 

HillBilly

 

@Mankind

These pictures are excellent

roflmao at HillBill

More please ?

 

The Spoon

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the
service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how
consultants can make a difference to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that
the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in
his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting
to revamp all our processes. After several months of analy sis, they
con cluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of
trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it
with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time! I go to the kitchen,
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of
the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string
hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter,

"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we can save time in th e restroom. By tyi ng this string to
the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the
restroom by 76.39 percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the
spoon.".

 

This one is really funny!

As well as the previous spoon story!

 

Got this one from my nana!

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

'Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers,

'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's
breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are
like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions.'
'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says,
'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and
answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties,his willie
is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, they are like
a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'

:major:major

 

picture did not show.

 

Considering the joke, maybe that's a good thing

Remember these forums are used my all ages and walks of life.....keep the jokes appropriate. Thanks

 

This is priceless!





The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully

served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C. He motioned for

his nurse to come near.

'Yes, Father?' said the nurse.

'I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton

before I die,' whispered the priest.

'I'll see what I can do, Father.' replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, 'I don't know why

the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and

might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT. ' Bill

agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press

release about it.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in

his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look

of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Bill Clinton spoke. 'Father, of all the people you could have

chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?' The old

priest slowly replied, 'I have always tried to pattern my life after our

Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.' 'Amen,' said Bill.

'Amen,' said Hillary.

The old priest continued, 'He died between two lying thieves. I would like

to do the same.'

AMEN

 

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

 

dromano and LS those are great!

 

@ MK, uh-oh, poor Kenneth, thats good.

 

Subject: Genuine Complaint sent to Edinburgh Police station.... funny

CUSTOMER SERVICE WHAT NOT TO DO

True email sent to the force, lengthy but absolutely brilliantly written.....Anonymised correspondence from a member of the public


Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking zombies are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no purpose other than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????

**REPLY**


Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer




Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book. (Guinness Book of records)

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in :address West Cromwell Street , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

 

Good one G. The English humor can be great at times.

E

 

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first
man prayed:
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
the river"

Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

 

What some people think is acceptable to say in some situations instead of telling the truth:

1. "Your baby is so beautiful," to your best friend whose newborn looks like Shrek.
   
   
2. "I have no idea what happened, it just crashed," to the IT dude, when you had eight applications open while checking out videos from YouTube.
   
   
3. "They must be going to my spam folder," to your cousin, re: her daily emails suggesting you two organise a Tupperware party together.
   
   
4. "My dog likes you and he hates everyone," to your landlord, whose leg is being enthusiastically humped by Buster the bull mastiff.
   
   
5. "You're glowing!" to your pregnant sister-in-law who just looks, well, fat.
   

 

Hate to tell you Fred, Edinburgh is in Scotland

 

This one is full of truth

 

For those who have sons or grandsons & those who are happy that they don't.


you find out interesting things when you have sons, like...


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids!

25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

 

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him.

So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for Judgment, but I couldn't help wondering. Why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Oh those ......... Satan groaned. "They're all from IOWA, they're still too cold and wet to burn."

 

LOL did you make that one up BM cuz your cold and wet?

 

my mother sent it too me cause I am cold and wet

 

Aw, I'm sorry, hang on spring is coming

 

THANKS!!! PERFECT!!!

 

The one about the priest and the Clinton guys was terrific! Thanks

 

Always keep several
Get well cards on the mantle...
So if unexpected guests arrive,
They will think you've been sick
And unable to clean!

 

Are you my wife? I didn't know you came here! j/k. good one.

 

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating.

You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and
sensitive her husband is.

"Yes, I do" she replies

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught
us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my
face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for

20 years?"

"I remember that, too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out
today."

 

Opps... You know us Americans, don't know a dang bit about anything outside of the States...

E

 

UK Police Forces go for zero tolerance on speeding with the introduction of new style speed camera to encourage reduction in speeding motorists on the highways.

 

We could use that here

 

Mood Ring

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings,

bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be

able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it

turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a

BIG freaking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond?!?

Dumba$$

(had to clean it up a bit)

 

What did the monkey say when he stuck his tail in the meat grinder?

"It won't be long now."

 

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like








MEN'S ENGLISH


1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

Happy Easter