Jokes

I don't know if you'd call this a joke, but I think it's humorous.

http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u301/emily16661/2drz2oz_th.gif

 

I don't know about the guy above being real, but I know this guy (Greg Valentino) is real, and his bicept muscle actually exploded at one point. http://www.omero.it/media/47/20061218-gregval.jpg

 

lord knows i've heard a bunch of these.

 

@Paxton and the fat guy.:- LoL!!.. too fuuny, man!

Yep, heard about the Greg Valentino guy.

 

In the real life or read somewhere ?

Coz the opposite ones are also true, man do think about having sex almost all the time when they`r together with a good looking woman

 

Forgiveness:

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the priest asked, 'How many of you are willing to forgive your enemies?' 80% held up their hands. The priest then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
'Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
'I don't have any,' she replied, smiling sweetly.
'Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight,' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down to the front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said, 'I outlived the bitches.'

 

A Department of Water representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.”

The old rancher said, “Okay, but don't go in that field over there.”

The Water representative said, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The old rancher nodded politely and went about his chores.

Later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the Water Rep running for the fence and close behind was the rancher's bull. The bull was gaining on the Water Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out..... “Your card! Your card! Show him your card!”

 

What do you get if you cross an elephant an a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia

 

so a guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers for his wife. "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now..." She says. "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

 

Who is she?
http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb187/Darlene1029/whoisshe.jpg




















She's Polish
















Give up?










http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb187/Darlene1029/shesPolish.jpg

 

Those are priceless MK. roflmao

 

Here's a cool test thing. Answers based on living in the United States.

http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/yankee_dixie_quiz.html

48% (Yankee). Barely into the Yankee category.

 

52% (Dixie). Barely into the Dixie category.

 

..Considering my accent is more English than anything else.

 

65% (Dixie). A definitive Southern score!

No wonder I like Lynyrd Skynyrd.

 

Guess I am a real 'neck...

80% (Dixie). Did you have any Confederate ancestors?

Yall have a good day!

E

 

I have the same result.

 

Oh lord, just recently saw where some guy opened his luggage after flying and a snake bit him. He closed it up fast. Think it was a rattler too.

 

You know, when I had surgery recently they were worried about my appetite, my family thought that to be funny cuz I can out eat any grown man and just tip over 100 lbs. Anyway the hospital gave me some pills (took 10 a day) to be sure I was eating. I have to say, all wanted to do was eat. Even right after eating was thinking what I could eat next. It consumed me, all I thought of, I wonder if that is what people with eating disorders go through. It is not a simple craving, never experienced anything like that before. As soon as I quit the medication it stopped, those poor people that live with that all the time is beyond sad.
Well now that I spoiled the joke I'll go, sorry bye

 

I did, thank you, funny and profound, wow

 

The Duke sure hit the nail on the head, didn't he?
Dean seemed have a few drinks in him. LOL

 

Marriage
http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb187/Darlene1029/marriage.jpg

 

Monkey in a bar

Alright, I realize this is maybe borderline, but tell me you're not laughing by the end..


A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

 

Thats funny - it's becoming impossible to remember whats been posted thus far it's gotten so big.

 

http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o281/obnoxious2/gas.jpg

 

roflmao @ Emma

God Created Michigan
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the
seventh day. He inquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, 'Look Michael, look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance'

'Balance?', inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, 'For example, Northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people,' God continued, pointing to different
countries 'This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be
very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land
mass and said, 'What's that one?'

'Ah,' said God. 'That's Michigan, the most glorious place on earth.
You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, the Hand of
God. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The
people from Michigan are going to be modest, intelligent and
humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They
will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they
will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What
about balance, God?' 'You said there would be balance!'

God replied wisely, 'Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around
Them in Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Canada.'

 

This is already on it's way to my wife.roflmao

 

UH-OH

 

You ought to see some of the ones I get from her about men.

 

Saw this one on myspace.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms,son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy,

"then who uses THESE?" he asks,picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.One for January, one for February, one for March........"

Sigh* .....

 

Here are some oldies,

Men’s Translation Guide for Women

"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

 

Looool:cry

 

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really

sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That

makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.

I be at work soon........ You got nice house.'

 

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice. "The big sissy."



Why We Love Children

A Kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat but it was dead.
"How did you know that the cat was dead?" She asked him.
"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move." answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy. "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." :cool

 

Grandma's letter ~

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-son, the other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So, I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

 

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they
talk
about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to
cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real
distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya
swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down
her
drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue. The
woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies
out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks
slowly back t o the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver'
but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

If you don't send this to five friends, there will five fewer people
laughing in the world!!

 

Golf story

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

A bit embarrassed, she looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f--king lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it! Perhaps you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck.

 

Grumbles will like this

Breakfast in Paris

A Scotsman, after a recent football match, is having breakfast, in Paris , one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread??'

Scotsman: 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Scotsman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Scotsman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Scotland.'

After a moment of silence, The Scotsman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

 

roflmao @ that joke Darlene. That certainly has made my day :wine

 

<*Groan!!...>

 

LOL OUCH!

 

I think the Aussie version is that it's a New Zealander. :-D

 

What a switch

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young
couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While
tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds:
'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.' :-D

 

A SENIOR MOMENT

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the London Times.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

 

You better stay out of my pond Kes! :-D

E

 

time to feed this alligator ha