Jokes

i is goin to bed to sulk then

 

Donald roflmao!
That's funny LOL


So here's one I heard. You have to understand the atmosphere a little. I was on the train sitting just in front of a group of high schoolers off on a class trip to Poland. There we all were, riding through beautiful June weather, with one of them playing guitar and everyone singing Knock Knock Knockin on Heaven's Door ....
As the only American who was a teenager in the 60s, I found this experience to be just left of Nirvana and was quite smiling to myself. Then one of them decided to tell a joke, to which all the rest of them told him he would never get it right. This didn't stop him.

So here's the joke.

There were three men walking in a forest (I couldn't hear very well, so you'll have to forgive me if I insert a few things from my imagination). They came upon a little wizard who looked more like a dwarf sitting on a big red mushroom with white polka dots.

I'll grant you three wishes, he said.

The men looked at each other and without hesitating the first man said, I want you to write me a check that always gives me money.

Poof! He had his check. His eyes lit up.

The second man said, I want that too.

Poof! The little man gave him a check just like it.

The third man said, I want my right arm to go around in a circle all the time.

Poof! His arm began to go around in a circle.

The first man said, I want a really great fast car, very cool looking.

Poof! The little man produced a gorgeous sports car.

The second man said, I want one just like that! And poof! There is was.

The third man said, I want my left arm to go around in a circle all the time. Poof, his left arm began to go around in a circle.

The first man said, I want a beautiful woman, one all the other guys would want, and I want her just for me.

Poof! The most beautiful woman appeared.

The second man said, I want one just like that.

Poof! Another woman as beautiful as the first one appeared and he smiled.

The third man said, I want my head to go around in circles, and poof! His head began to go around in circles.

A year went by and the men met in the forest. How's it going, asked the third man?

The first man said, Oh, man! I have all the money I could ever need, a fast car and a gorgeous woman!! It's is just great! I'm so happy!

The second man said, yeah, me too, just like him!

The third man's right arm was going around in circles and his left arm was going around in circles and his head was going around in circles and he said, oh, man, I think I really f****d up!

 

:-D good one Kes

 

Well, at least I thought the boy's joke was funny.

 

Realtek !!!!


That's all. That's the joke. LOL

 

There were a couple of Irishmen, Paddy and Murphy taking a holiday from Dublin to New York. They boarded the 747 and were relaxing for the flight.

After about 2 hours in the air, the captain comes onto the intercom:

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid I have a small problem to report, one of our 4 engines has failed and we've shut it down. Please do not worry, this aircraft is perfectly capable of flying on three engines but it does mean our arrival in New York will be delayed by approximately an hour."

After a bit of conversation, the passengers all calm down again. An hour later, the captain uses the intercom again:

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I have to let you know that another of our engines has failed. There is still no cause for alarm, I can fly the plane with the two remaining engines. Our arrival in New York will now be two hours late."

There is a bit more conversation and people are starting to get worried, even more so when the captain comes on the intercom a thrid time:

"Please accept my apologies ladies and gentlemen, it appears a third of our four engines has failed. I would like to stress that there is still no cause for alarm, I can fly and land this aircraft using just a single engine. It does mean that we will be four hours late arriving in New York".

Amidst all the hubbub from the other passangers, Paddy leans over to Murphy and says:

"Dear God, I hope the last engine doesn't fail, if it does, we'll be stuck up here forever!"

:-D

 

lucky ol farmer![havin an alligator}hee

 

Every time I read this topic I cry!:-D

 

roflmao

Emma's name has been removed to protect the innocent....

 

That's funny, heard it before, that's why I shower :heli

 

we all knew you were mad anyway....!!roflmao

 

Sinko de Mayo.
roflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmaoroflmao

Break out the tequila. :yum

 

HAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAA!!!!!!!!!! priceless!!

 

:mad HEY!!! blonde here!!!:mad

it's ok at least they were funny:-D

 

........!!!!!LOLroflmao La mao

 

Yahoo Answers watch out!
this could be a category by itself...
how many posts here?
subcategories...:confused
1->PC humor
2->funny stuff on the way to the computer store
3->joking about major geeks
4-> etc,

 

Bravo Kes, this one's my favorite.

Might as Well Go Fishing

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

 

http://thefuntimesguide.com/images/blogs/best-faces-of-2007-baldy.jpg

Fitting Bud Light commercial

 

How to Shower Like a Woman
**********************************

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband had been eating your ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



How To Shower Like a Man
********************************

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way,shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Taste your wife's ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pee.
15. Rinse off and get out of shower.
16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.

 

dumb blonde joke

a blonde girl was looking for odd jobs to do when she went up to a mans house, she knocked on the door then the man opened the door and said "can i help you?" the blonde replies "i am looking for odd jobs that you would like me to do" the man says " i will pay you $80 if you paint my back porch" the blonde says ok and the man gives her a bucket of brown paint, 10 minutes had passed and they blonde finsihed she went over to the mans dorr and sasis ok i am all done the man looks at the paint can and see's there is still alot of paint in the can and the man said "wow thats alot of paint left did you finish the whole porch?" the blonde replies "yes and oh it wasnt a porche it was a corvet"

 

3 guys got back from a bar and met up the next morning the 1st man said "oh god i was so drunk i wet myself" the 2nd man says "thats nothing, i blew chunks" the 3rd man said " i was so drunk i woke up in the river" the 2nd man says " no you guys dont understand........chunks is my dog."

 

Then there was the blond major geek private who tried to undo his last post by doing a system restore... (not me, my hair is white, not blond)

 

HEY!:mad

:-D

 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!

 

lolz, nice funny jokes keep em coming

 

Women's *** Size Study

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their *****. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their *** is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their *** is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

 

:-D @ darlene

 

darlene: lmao

 

@ Lev, so sorry didn't know it was a filtered word, have always made it that way, kinda like saying h-e- double toothpicks

 

No probs

 

Heaven's Ugliest

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you end with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."

She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

 

RIP George Carlin

Wow LauraR,
I was looking for this since George Carlin died and found it originally posted by you on ? April 30th?

 

Three women die together in an accident and ​

go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have ​

one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ​

ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to ​

step on a duck, and although they try their best to ​

avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your ​

punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend ​

eternity chained to this ugly man!'


The next day, the second woman accidentally steps ​

on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't ​

miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. ​

He chains them together with the same admonishment ​

as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not ​

wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, ​

is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on ​

any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her ​

with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes ​

on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.


St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.


The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to ​

deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped ​

on a duck!'​

 

roflmao OK Lev,
consider your version copied/ pasted, and e-mailed to several of my non-Major geek friends :highfive
(insert here tip my hat emoticon)

 

The difference between these two jokes is really funny to me.

 

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street, and you pick her up there?

 

That's bad but funny!

 

2 guys, Bill and Mike, are hanging out watching the game when Bill's cell phone rings. He picks up, and his girfriend is on the other end, crying. He tries to calm her down, and finally, because she's so upset, tells her he'll be over in 10 minutes. He tells Mike that his girlfriend is sobbing uncontrollably and he has to go calm her down. When Mike asks what the problem is, he says that she bought a puzzle but can't figure it out because all the pieces look the same. Mike asks, "Your girlfriend's name is Lisa, right? Call her back." When he does, Mike takes the phone and says, "Lisa, take a deep breath and tell me what the picture is on the front of the box." She tells him it's a tiger. He tells her:

Everything will be ok. Put the frosted flakes back in the box. Bill will be over after the game.

Bill asks, "How did you know what the problem was?

Mike replies, "I dated a blonde about 6 months ago."

Enough said.

 

good one, dnnyo!! LOL

 

@ violet- :-D

 

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb187/Darlene1029/dog.jpg

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb187/Darlene1029/babyfat.jpg

 

Oh Jeez, thanks Darlene, I needed a good laugh tonight!

E

 

Went back through and found a few that I think are ok :confused

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb187/Darlene1029/outofpaper.jpg

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb187/Darlene1029/fishingwithmoses.jpg

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb187/Darlene1029/feedthecat.jpg

 

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the
only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in
the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and
BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to
jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the
gator and kicking its ***!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches,
head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the
gator through the air like some
kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy
strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing
. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!

 

LOL poor Leroy

 

Male or Female?

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

 

Looks like you can post photobucket video's too? cool, check it. :cool

http://s55.photobucket.com/albums/g156/schnypa/?action=view&current=8deb0ebc.flv

 

Beauty and or Brains