Jokes

An elderly couple was attending a church service. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?'

He replies 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid!' :-D

 

Good one obnoxious!

E

 

I've just been to the gym and there's a new machine, only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick! Its good though it does everything, kit kats, mars bars, snickers and crisps.

 

Add some 12 oz curls and you will be on the Olympic team in just a few short years. :-D

E

 

Re: Jokes AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetable..........
Get someone else to hold while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat..............by using the sink.

3. A set mouse trap, placed on top of your wife's alarm clock, will prevent her from rolling over and going back to sleep after she hits the snooze button.

4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

5. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

6. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've probably got an electrical problem

I like to share some times.:wave

 

Re: Jokes Medical advice worth repeating

This is the last one I have for a while anyway. Thank you for enjoying them.


People are always trying to justify their nightly wine!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine....and those that don't. :wine

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is

freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated

that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we

would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -

bacteria found in faeces. :eek

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run

that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other

liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of

boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink

water and be full of :crap.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it

as a public service.

 

"Please provide the date of your death." - from an IRS letter
"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes." - Richard (Dicky) Nixon
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" - Lee Iacocca
"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on." - Samuel Goldwyn
Helpful Warnings: "CAUTION: Knife is very sharp. Keep out of children"
"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman." - Rear Admiral James R. Hogg
"If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Brooke Shields
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." - Correction notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." - Batman costume warning label
"The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others." - Gerry Brown
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." - Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally." - Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
"Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything." - Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel
"I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents." - George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor
"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."- Dwight Eisenhower
"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate." -- Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C.
"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again." -- Sen. Barbara Boxer, (D, Calif.)
"You read what Disraeli had to say. I don't remember what he said. He said something. He's no longer with us." -- Bob Dole
"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl." -- Marion Barry
"You can't just let nature run wild." -- Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska
"The spontaneous rally will begin at 1:45." -- Mike Murphy, adviser to Lamar Alexander
"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity." -- Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House
"I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?" -- President Bush, in a note to to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a U.N. Security Council meeting, September 14, 2005

 

Re: Jokes Medical advice worth repeating

I had some wine and beer tonight. Better than you dang poop drinkers!

E:-D

 

Make that cheese curls :-D



@ Ob, those were funny, thanks

 

Observation.. perhaps a bit crass,

Harking back to the days of the Oscar wildes etc and thinking in the ways that the victorian days may have given into the boredom and play on words etc..

When considering - Which.. came.. first the chicken or the egg, (the answer is really quite simple if you read into it literally) The chicken, because eggs cant c...

Sorry if this offends anybody.

 

Husband came home from work and his wife said she wanted him to take her someplace expensive

He took he to the gas station

 

Re: Jokes or Malware

True Story

I spent last weekend running READ & RUN ME FIRST due to a Browser Hijacking (redirection of Google links).

I am the "IT...Manager" guy in a Travel Agency with 15 branches and about 40 employees who are absolute computer ignoramuses (ignoramii?).

I almost had a heart attack this morning when one of them (luckily in the physical location where I am) called me to tell me that he was trying to reach a certain Supplier website and that he was being taken to another site. "Oh! Sh...............oot!" I thought (I said something else.............) And he tells me that he tried the same on two other colleagues' computers and redirection was still taking place. A fourth colleague, asked to test her computer, said that hers was OK and that she was indeed ending up on the correct site.

There I was, dejected and disgusted, contemplating having to run the READ&RUN ME 1st on three computers (if not more) and I was (am) swamped with a Gazillion other things (I'm really an Airline man and computers are just a hobby with me).

Then I went back to the first computer and told him to go through the steps again (I wanted to see where the redirection was taking him) one more time before I started looking for the file "C:\windows\system32\kdjev.exe" ---which had contaminated my computer.

That's when I noticed that he was typing www.agent.raileurope.com (a non-existent site which caused Internet Explorer and Google to point to some "possible" sites) instead of the required URL without WWW.

I asked the receptionist to cancel the call that she was starting to place to 911 to send an ambulance for me.

 

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument

about who was better on the computer.



They had been going at it for days, and
frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough.
I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those
results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was
faster than hell.


Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured,

and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every

curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them
restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power
went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!

How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

.

.

.



..



..



..



..



"JESUS SAVES

 

things only a man would sayhttp://www.getsmile.com/emoticons/smileys-91853/aiw/delicious.gif

5. “I’m only having one drink tonight.”
Men are genetically incapable of having just one drink at the pub! A drink quickly progresses into heartbreaking stories about nagging wives, girlfriends or the nasty boss, foul-mouthed arguments with others and attempts at flirting with the nearest females.

4 “I’ll pay you back dude, I promise.”
You will, eventually, pay back. Once you’ve paid off your credit card debt, your yearly subscription to an online adult website, the gym membership and the loan for your new car.

3. “I’m rethinking my career choices.”
Every now and again you get a little jaded with the work-life balance and decide to research the possibility of becoming a social worker helping poor kids. You are of course unlikely to ever act on that feeling.

2. “You and me, outside, right now!”
In a desperate attempt to show your dominance in the presence of another alpha-male you try to bluff our way out of it by calling them out for the fight! Though, all you’re hoping for is to scream, shove and then have your friends mercifully pull you away!

1. “Of course I’m listening to you, dear.”
This is usually followed by a few grunts and a nod or two. You’re not really listening but paying just enough attention to not get caught watching cricket while she describes, in excruciating detail, everything that happened to her today.

 

I aways say this while watching a movie (with earphone on) :-D

 

I saw on the news that WalMarts and sporting goods stores in Alabama are all sold out of ammunition! They asked one guy leaving with a bunch of shotgun shells why he was loading up...


.
.

.


.



.



.
"Them commies may have invaded Georgia, but they AIN'T gettin' Alabama!"

Saw that in an e-mail... hope it has not been posted.

E

 

BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.


With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman?

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'

 

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....He in the upper bunk and she in
the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she repli ed 'Just for tonight, let 's pretend that
we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own friggin blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

 

THE LORD AND THE BIKER
A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said:
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said:
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.

The Lord said:
'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and thi nk of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said:
'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied:
'You want two or four lanes on that bridge?'

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'



'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!' :-D

 

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty.' :zzz

***********

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


***********


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.':eek

 

Re: Jokes ....Rules for Dieting

And finally here is one the ladies may find useful next time you go out to that fancy resterant and want to indulge........



1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!) :-D:-D:-D

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS! :wave

 

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife Lena. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a band-aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty band-aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...
"It's all those band-aids stuck on the hall mirror."

 

thats funny chaimjm :-D

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please? I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" asks the duck. "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus," says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle," asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck pauses for a moment with a confused loook on his face and replies:
"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"

 

Two in a row going to be booted for spamming

How To Install A Home Security System...
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside!!'

 

A kid in kndergarden really needs to go to the bathroom.
Kid: "Can I go to the bathroom?"
Teacher: "First say the alphabet"
Kid: "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ"
Teacher: "You left out the P. Where is it?"
Kid: "Dripping down my leg"

 

That is when the fight started .........................





When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....

So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....



************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started.....



***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....



***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning...

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out o f his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a ARF!!! --(Little Person!!!)-- He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....


****


****

 

Re: Jokes please

Killing English

Principal to student… " I Saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigeretee?"


Class teacher once said:
" Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin"

Once hindi teacher said… " I'm going out of the world to America

Don't try to talk in front of my back

Don't…laugh at the back benches… otherwise teeth and all ill be fallen down.

It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. And then she said Why is fan not oning (ing form of on)

Teacher in a furious mood…
Write down ur name and father of ur name.

Shhh, quiet, the principal is revolving around college"


My manager started like this
Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two Kids

I'll illustrate what I have in my mind said the professor and erased the board

Will u hang that calendar or else I'll Hang My Self

Librarian Scolde, If U will Talk Again, I Will Knell Down Out side

Chemistry Hod Comes and Tells us…
My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter

Tomorrow Call ur parents especially mother and father

Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!



Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code. I understand. You understand. Computer how understand?

Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. Keep quiet, the Principal has passed away..





--
originally submitted by -Oswald

 

Rekindling The Romance... After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" To which he responded: "I found the remote."

 

Funny Photo

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb187/Darlene1029/dancingwstars2.jpg

 

We irish can laugh at ourselves:-D


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks
How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I dont know! Its your plane.


Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy
says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts
I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home'
So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
I cant work in the dark! ' says Murphy.


Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours
dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!'
& storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks
'What did you do?
Paddy replies 'Ive put the dog in our garden, lets see
how they like it.

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have
Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile
phones.

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby
cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London.

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy
drives past & stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its
thick gits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there
& kick the living daylights out of you if I could swim!'

 

those are funny wolf

 

OLD BATS

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb187/Darlene1029/oldbats.jpg

 

Purina Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for
Toot, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check
out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse on
this stupid question, I told her that No, I didn't have a
dog, but I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that
the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with
Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was
going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with
my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me.

I told her No, I stepped off a curb to sniff noses with an
Irish Setter and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart
attack, he was laughing so hard!

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!

 

LOL!

I personally have psychics At my local grocry store. I buy hamburger meat, charcoal, buns and cheese. And the cashire askes me if I am cooking burgers tonight?! I buy burger meat, taco shells, grated cheese, and taco seasoning, and that dang person wants to know if I am making tacos!

How the F do they know what I am going to cook?! Some dang espionage is going on! :-D

 

Hoax warning

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a
survey and asks you to show them your butt, DO NOT show them your butt

This is a SCAM, they just want to see your butt

I feel so stupid and cheap:-o​

 

A wife walked into the kitchen one morning to find her husband standing in the corner with a flyswatter in his hand.
She asks him what he is doing. "Swatting flies", he answers.
"Have you killed any?", she asks.
"Yes", he says, "Three males and two females".
Intrigued she asks "How can you tell them apart?"
"Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone".

From the Sunday Mail Joke of the Week, Nov 16th, 2008.

Bazza

 

http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g156/schnypa/image001.gif​

 

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, and her head strikes the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


And you thought all they did was say Hello.

 

A successful rancher died and left

everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and

determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so

she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.



Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She

thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him

around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put

in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.



For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have

done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into

town and kick up your heels.'



The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.



One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no

hired hand.



Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he

found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of

wine, waiting for him.



She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it

off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my

boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take

off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes
in

the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands ,

he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into
town

again, you're fired.'

 

Great jokes dromano, heard the horse one before but still cracks me up :-D

 

Thank you Darlene1029

Here is another one.

A Short Love Story
>
> A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to
> other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
> compartment on a trans-continental train.
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a
> room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly
> --
> he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
> At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
> "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but
> would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a
> second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
> "I have a better idea," she replied.
> "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
> "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
> "Good," she replied. "Get your
> own !!!! blanket."
> After a moment of silence, he farted.
>

 

roflmao

 

Hey Bg Bazza is this true?

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the20swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

someone tickle you funny bone dromano :-D

 

There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge
that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more
apparent.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably - especially the men.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they
would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons,
and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the
green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you
won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, 'Due to thircumsthanthis
bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tew day.'

 

OH! Now thats my kind of minister.

 

Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little
> Sammy.
>
> 'It ain't my fault this time,' Miss Crabtree.
> 'You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason
> I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'
>
>
> Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for
> thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked
> little Sammy what he meant by that.
>
> Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth,
> little
> Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her
> the truth.
>
>
> 'You see, Miss Crabtree; out at the ranch we got this
> here low down coyote. The last few nights he done et six
> hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when
> Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen. He grabbed his
> shot gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again,
> I'm a gonna git him!''
>
>
> 'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids.
>
> 'He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no
> shirt!
>
>
> 'To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the
> snoop. Then he stuck that double barreled 12 Gauge shot gun
> through the window of the coop. As he stared into the
> darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke
> had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy.
> Then as we all looked
> on plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in
> Daddy's crack.
>
>
> 'Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since
> three o'clock this mornin!'