Jokes

A Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

***********************************************

 

Hope this one hasn't been posted before.

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said, "Just a minute," and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?"
Well, I was so dumbstruck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time." So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and plow, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her

 

I looked, but didn't see these posted yet but if they were, I'm a blond so cut me some slack! LOL

Got these from my niece and some of them, as Halo would say...are real corkers! roflmao

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back
Of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get
better!!!


WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked,
After folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet ,
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied,
'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy
and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him
and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking
For some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes,
And she came back with a tin of tobacco
And some rolling papers;
Cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to
roll my own so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for
several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically,
'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife
About how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied,
'The reason has to be because
We have to repeat everything to men.

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION

A man said to his wife one
day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful
all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides,
It is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and
showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
'HEBREWS'

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
He wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
And he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests!!!

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.:-D

 

Why isnt ther a flamee along with thwe thanks?
Bcc abby's ppoist deserved to be flamed.....

 

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington, D. C. this year!

TheSupreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in thecapital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's capitol, nor could they find a virgin.

P.S. There was no problem,however, finding enough asses tofill the stable.

 

Thanks Laura! Despite having the mother of all headaches last night when I read it, I still cracked up when reading it. Thing is, I see myself in many of them..just ask Star! LOL

Flaming is against the forum rules, that's why.:-D

And besides, talk about the pot calling the kettle black...why can't you use the forum spell checker before submitting your posts?LOL

 

i have vertigo nd i cant see a danged thing. im jjuuar jopibg thst my wordss come out right.

 

http://www.fohguild.org/forums/attachments/screenshots/19713d1135922722-ok-so-i-laughed-potatowned.gif

 

my eyse are still killing me..... but im on the desktop now so i can feel the keys better
[JOKE=Blonde]
Three girls on a firing line. A blonde a brunette and a readhead. The brunette says "Stampede!" and the guy turns around and she runs away. The redhead says "Flood!" and the guy turns around and she runs away. The blonde says "Fire!"
[/JOKE]

 

Re: Jokes -- E-mail error ends up on road sign

I have afeeling this might have been published here a long time ago, but is worth another visit IMO.

E-mail error ends up on road sign
See thumbnail. :-D

The English is clear enough to lorry drivers - but the Welsh reads "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated."

When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they thought the reply was what they needed.

Unfortunately, the e-mail response to Swansea council said in Welsh: "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated".

So that was what went up under the English version which barred lorries from a road near a supermarket.

"When they're proofing signs, they should really use someone who speaks Welsh," said journalist Dylan Iorwerth. It's good to see people trying to translate but they should really ask for expert help Dylan Iorwerth, Golwg magazine.

Swansea Council became lost in translation when it was looking to halt heavy goods vehicles using a road near an Asda store in the Morriston area

All official road signs in Wales are bilingual, so the local authority e-mailed its in-house translation service for the Welsh version of: "No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only".

The reply duly came back and officials set the wheels in motion to create the large sign in both languages.

The notice went up and all seemed well - until Welsh speakers began pointing out the embarrassing error.

Welsh-language magazine Golwg was promptly sent photographs of the offending sign by a number of its readers.
The sign was lost in translation - and is now missing from the roadside

Managing editor Mr Iorwerth said: "We've been running a series of these pictures over the past months.

"They're circulating among Welsh speakers because, unfortunately, it's all too common that things are not just badly translated, but are put together by people who have no idea about the language.

"It's good to see people trying to translate, but they should really ask for expert help.

"Everything these days seems to be written first in English and then translated.

"Ideally, they should be written separately in both languages."

A council spokeswoman said: "Our attention was drawn to the mistranslation of a sign at the junction of Clase Road and Pant-y-Blawd Road.

Other confusing signs :-

"We took it down as soon as we were made aware of it and a correct sign will be re-instated as soon as possible."

The blunder is not the only time Welsh has been translated incorrectly or put in the wrong place:

• Cyclists between Cardiff and Penarth in 2006 were left confused by a bilingual road sign telling them they had problems with an "inflamed bladder".

• In the same year, a sign for pedestrians in Cardiff reading 'Look Right' in English read 'Look Left' in Welsh.

• In 2006, a shared-faith school in Wrexham removed a sign which translated the Welsh for staff as "wooden stave".

• Football fans at a FA Cup tie between Oldham and Chasetown - two English teams - in 2005 were left scratching their heads after a Welsh-language hoarding was put up along the pitch. It should have gone to a match in Merthyr Tydfil.

• People living near an Aberdeenshire building site in 2006 were mystified when a sign apologising for the inconvenience was written in Welsh as well as English.

roflmao Bazza

 

Used to laugh and call him names