Jokes

yes, I received it in my email, I should give up on the pictures, thank you for adding the caption. I thought it was visible.

 

Darlene1029 hey your jokes have brought this thread to life so keep up the great work, as for images you can get an image resizer here at MG as well as other great imaging software. Wife & I were on the floor laughing with your #292 "Games when we are older" Thanks

 

hi darlene, i tried to email the shark pic to my email but that site SUCKS

i only got some ridiculous ad, Bestie should put his toons somewhere where we can see them and give him direct credit...the site i found it on seems to be the only one showing that toon, so i showed the link cuz the shark toon is really big and clear on that page, but that site is very mixed up...

Bestie shouldn't get to upset if we show his credit and amazon book anyway

 

If your tryna email the picture save it then attach it to your email,is that what you were tryna do

 

just testing to see why darlene's shark pic was so small ??

this is me in 1945, shortly after my near death experience )

i never fully recovered from that, so i wrote this poem that starts:

parts of me have turned to stone etc etc

other parts dissolve from me, into the next reality )

 

@ Rikky who me?

i just thought the site might have sent the shark pic to my email with a way to credit the toonist, since they do offer to send it in an email...

but maybe i got mixed up there...anyway they have a lot of copyright terms there, and spammy stuff so i would not want to post their stuff anyway...

 

ok Rikky, i tried it again...SUCKY SUCKY SUCKY...

they send you an ad with the exact same link as i posted to the shark pic...

oh well i guess they have a right to try to sell me stuff if i get a free toon

 

I have a decent copy of it, it was big and clear until I resized it. Do you want me to send it to you? Or were you trying to send it to me?

 

@ darlene NO NO NO NO NO NO

this copyright thingy is a B*tch, they can sue someone who posts their stuff;

i do NOT WANT ANY copyrighted stuff in my possession, nor in my posts
unless i have a written release form from the author...

the fines can be enormous, so if i were you i would actually erase the toons,
edit those messages so the toons are not in the message AT ALL...

i am already bankrupt i do not need a $10,000 copyright fine ))

 

Glad you enjoyed them. I had a resizer, re: your previous recommendation, then I decided I didn't need it, already had a program that did the same thing. Evidently not, huh. Will have to find it again. Thanks

 

just to clear up this copyright crap...

i DO NOT KNOW WHERE darlene's friend got the shark toon...

i got it from this site, but they require credit for the link...

http://www.ahajokes.com/terms.html
//////////////////////
You will not resell, duplicate, copy, reproduce, or distribute in part or whole any section of this site commercially, privately, or publicly. Any discovery of such reproduced data may result in legal action.

//////////////////

We authorize the syndication and republication of a reasonable amount (as deemed reasonable by our employees, typically not more than sixty (60) unique items, jokes, or images) of our content (jokes, cartoons, and humor), providing that some form of credit is given to our site when such content appears in written or electronic publications, community newsletters, or journals.

Credit, as mentioned above, is typically in the form of a very small (but readable) line of text and should include at least the title (Aha! Jokes) and URL (http://www.AhaJokes.com/) of our site. A sample credit line would appear as follows. Source: Aha! Jokes, http://www.AhaJokes.com/

 

The copyright is just to stop people using it on a site and making money from the traffic,millions of people will share it via email they are fully aware of this,everything on the net is copyrighted I dont doubt everyone has unwittingly broken hundreds of copyrights to pictures,I wouldnt worry about it

Its sad day when an artist want to charge you to see his work,funny how the great paintings of the world arnt copyright yet they are worth millions

 

i agree basically Rikky, and the link back is enough to post the shark pic...

i cannot find the porcupine pic, so i do not know how to give credit for it...

but my link to the site with the shark pic should cover darlene's and MG's posting of that toon anyway...

i just like to cover my A** since i am a copyright owner and should know the rules ))

 

Rikky it is not only the royalty that the author would be missing..

the paparazzi can get a celebrity SUED by the celebrity's agent who may insist on a royalty for every image published...two million National Enquirers at a penny a piece to the agent FROM the celebrity, is $20,000...

that's why some celebrity's whack the paparazzi, the paparazzi is NOT paying the agent nor the celebrity AT ALL...

this sounds ridiculous, but my first modelling contract had a clause saying exactly that, my agent could charge me a royalty for MY IMAGE appearing in public, since he was the key person to distribute my portfolio...

 

Celebrities images well thats another deep puddle but for everybody to conform strictly to copyright rules would mean no-one would ever share funny cartoons via email as they are all property of the artist,it just aint gonna happen,well I hope not

Huge lawsuits are only made against companies who have made money from the pic that should belong to the author which is fair enough,99% of the time the author will ask whoever to remove the picture or not use it again,it just means they have the law on thier side if push comes to shuv

I'm strictly anti piracy,not because of the this forum just a moral choice,often a little common sense is needed IMHO

EDIT if your losing money or being misrepresented sure the law is on your side,but if your picture was used by the news of you winning an award for example would you sue the news channel?strictly speeking you should but again a little common sense is needed IMO as does the sharing of pictures,think of how many peple use avatars with the simpsons in,I doubt matt groening will go round all the forums sueing everyone

 

Good Grief, you might be right, let's give this up and go download some music.

 

Bumper Stickers

 

More Bumper Stickers

 

And still more Bumper Stickers

 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.


The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"


The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."


As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"


The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."


The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took
it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket."


The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.


And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE... SHUT UP??"


The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"



(I love this part)....





" Only when he's been drinking."

 

I figured we needed to get back to funny!

 

Sorry, ya know being female I get a never ending list of male bashing jokes. Other then that the best I can produce is Blonde jokes.

 

the music is free !!

http://music.download.com/

the jokes cost ten dollars

http://www.download.com/101-Famous-Knock-Knock-Jokes/3000-2407_4-6331846.html?tag=lst-0-2

 

This is kinda cute--

An older woman was pulled over by a police officer.

Woman: Whats the problem officer?

Policeman: I believe you were doing over the speed limit Mame,
May I see your drivers license?

Woman: I don't have one, it was suspended.

Policeman: May I see your registration?

Woman: I don't have one, the car is stolen and the body of the owner is stuffed in the trunk.

Upon hearing this the officer slowly slinked to his vehicle to call for back up. When his Sergeant arrived the officer repeated the sorted details to him.

The Sergeant approached the woman in the vehicle and asked if she had a drivers license.

Woman: Of course I do reaching in her purse and producing current valid drivers license.

Sergeant: first glancing at the officer, then requested a registration.

Woman: Got it right here in the glove compartment, producing a registration in her name.

Sergeant: Mame would you happen to have a body in the trunk of this car?

Woman: Heavens no, let me show you and doing so was an empty trunk.

Sergeant: Mame this officer claims you told him you had no license, registration and a body in the trunk of this car.

Woman: Bet the liar said I was speeding too.

 

GOOD GRIEF!

 

This mixed up conversation is funnier then the jokes, making me laugh anyway

 

Cat tells jokes in two different languages !!

http://www.bercutfinland.com/UncleTJokes/uncletMain.html

The new version of UncleT's Joke Corner have now been published. New version offers over 1800 local jokes to listen.

To UncleT's Joke Corner download page
UncleT's Joke Corner is a freeware program to tell jokes. There is possible to meet Cat Nappi (Button), the king of jokes. Also UncleT is on background if needed.

UncleT's Joke Corner Features:
Talking head's
Text to Speech
Speak two different languages(English and this different (Finnish))
Listen Jokes by Click a button
Tested with several humans and one cat
Planned so that also persons with limited sense of sight can use it easily. Gets Joke by Enter button, Stop Speaking by Enter button
Free for not commercial laughts (Freeware)

 

i would like to request a demotion back to Private E-2...

i can't stand all this responsibility as a Private First Class

 

"You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

 

Billboards

 

DAMN could somebody check the back of my neck ??

i broke my mirror trying to pack my garbage bags...

just before i moved into the old folks trailer park

 

i KNEW i didn't have a gambling problem...

it's all those LOSERS tryin' to tell me:

all that money i won at the OTB...

betting the trifecta, WAS THEIRS !!

 

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

But Sergeant abri...

you will get run over by the USA TODAY guy running through all the stop signs in the cul de sac neighborhood, while driving his SUV, full of 300 papers,
at sixty miles an hour, no hands on the steering wheel, tying up those little plastic bags full of news rather than looking at the road...kill, possums, ants,
squirrels, rabbits...and newspaper theives

 

lolol

 

@ abri...

not only all that but he has sleep apnea [why he works at night] and he has not SLEPT for 24 hours !!!

 

<reconsiders stealing the newspaper>

 

forgot the porcupines and armadillos, WARNING DEAD ANIMULES AHEAD:

http://www.sandiablo.net/BigTrip2000/roadkill.htm

http://www.sailwhisper.com/logs/news_20030908_1.html

http://www.reallite.com/Sept2001.htm

 

i drove a Hertz rent a car from Seattle to Pittsburgh in October 2005...
the WHOLE STATE OF MONTANA was painted red by the former white tails...
flushed out of the underbrush cuz it had rained for nine days NONSTOP...
at 75 miles per hour [plus more speed to avoid the does grazing in left lane]
there is nothing left of them except the hematological cells painting the road;

then there's Wyoming [under 65 miles per hour or fines] where there are:
four legs of whitetail, one leg in each of the four lanes, no heads, maybe the rednecks picked the heads up and mounted them ???

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9845773/

What it looks like from the deer's POV!
///////////////////////////
Saber tooth deer !!

http://www.naturallist.com/deerhead.htm

Frozen deer heads

 

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14292504/
Will technology revolutionize boinking?

 

@ Rikky...now you got the picture

hapless Hindus hotlinking Homer's head on Google's Orkut community ALONE is eating up half the bandwidth on the internet

Orkut himself has over 500,000 personal messages !!

he might be the next Billionaire Gates...

 

http://www.stanford.edu/~orkut/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orkut

http://searchenginewatch.com/showPage.html?page=3302741

 

Owww...

She was in the kitchen cooking the boiled
eggs for breakfast.

He walks in.

She says, "You've got to make love to me --
this very moment."

He thinks, 'This is my lucky day,' and gives
it his all on the kitchen table.

He says afterwards, "What was that
all about?"


She says, "The egg timer's broken."