Jokes

SMILE……..


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But,
thank God, I still have my driver's license.

--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

 

Mankind you and Darlene are a joke thread dream come true, every one is great. Thanks for the laughs, keep it up

 

Yea Cheney & Bush reach out all right, trouble is most Americans find there reach in there back pockets, and good manners won't allow me to say where the Iragis find Cheney & Bush's reach. But Thanks Mankind I wondered where those strange plants in my back forty came from, now I know!!!!

 

LOL ! funny.

 

Bush Vacation

 

Pharmacology
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin, and Advil is also known as Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it decided on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour hmself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

Lizards Bungee

 

Did you notice this post is number 420? How funny

 

If I'm going to get in trouble for anything this one would be it, it's so cute though.

 

couldn't help but to have a giggle at some of these!


We always here ‘the rules’ from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules ( Please note they are all numbered ‘1’, on purpose)

(1)Among other things, Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it.
Don’t try to change that.

(1) Learn to work the toilet seat. You are all big girls. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You won’t hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

(1) Saturday = Sports. It’s like a full moon or the changing of the tide’s. Let
it be

(1) Shopping is not a sport and we shall never see it that way.

(1) Crying is blackmail.

(1) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do
not work, Strong hints do not work, Obvious hints do not work. JUST
SAY IT.

(1) Yes and No, are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
(1) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

(1) A headache that last’s for 6 months is a problem. See a doctor.

(1) If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

(1) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 working days.

(1) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you angry or upset, we meant the other one.

(1) You can either ask us to do something, or, tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know how best to do it, do it yourself.

(1) Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

(1) Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

(1) All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach for
example is a fruit, not a color. Lemon is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.

(1) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

(1) If we ask what is wrong and you answer ‘nothing’ we will assume just
that.

(1) If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer
you don’t want to hear.

(1) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
really.

(1) Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as sex, cars or sports.

(1) Thankyou for reading the rules and yes, I know I have to sleep on the
couch tonight but men really don’t mind this. Its just like camping.

 

HARSH -touché.

 

The Miracle of Toilet Paper
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
In front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this
take?" I ask.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

With this, I stopped "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts larger over the
years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid... Stupid man....

 

Heh the jokes thread has become the funny pictures thread!

 

impresive ---- impressave ------ impressive (yeah)

 

I'm officially old today, so here's an appropriate joke for me

--

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and
says, "OK, old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over
the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old
man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of
the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only
about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer,
meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he
sees the roosters running by.

He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to
bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.....third gay
rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ....?

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will
always overcome youth and arrogance!

 

HAHAHA...awesome, thanks Tim

You are having wayyyy too much fun with this

 

To Lev,
Lordy, Lordy, wish I was forty

 

P.S. Happy Birthday

 

I'm cunning and shifty cause I'm really .....

 

(Crispy?? )

 

in my email it said 50, crispys funny tho.

 

doh....

 

hello

 

Subject Doctors
FACTS TO PONDER:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Now think about this:

Guns:
(A) The number of gun owners in the US. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .. 000 0188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people,
doctors do."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention !

 

I have used that on people before.

I have also mentioned that accidental gun deaths don't even make it into the top 10 on the list. Bicycles and pools on the other hand are way up there.

If we really wanted to make our kids safe, we would just lock the guns up better and throw away the bike, then fill in the pool.

 

It doesn't seem so funny now, well, maybe the lawyer part.

 

Don't know how real this is but it will give you a chuckle I believe.
DON'T EVER MESS WITH OLD LADIES!

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf

 

A man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeded to walk into the water
and bumped into the preacher. The preacher turned around and, though almost
overcome by the smell of alcohol, asked the drunk, "Are you ready to find
Jesus?"

The Drunk answered, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabbed the drunk and dunked him in the water. Then he
pulled him up and asked him, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replied, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunked him into the water again, for a
little longer.
Then again, he pulled him out and asked, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answered, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher was at his wits end so he submerged the drunk once
more, and held him down for about 30 seconds until he began kicking his arms
and legs, whereupon he pulled him up.
The preacher again asked the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?"

The drunk wiped his eyes and caught his breath and finally said to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

I know, you can't keep a straight face hearing all that laughter. Glad you got a kick from it.

 

Sorry, every once in a while I really suck the humor out of a subject.

 

Thats okay, those are important issues and probably in bad taste to use as such. You have to admit, the lawyer part,
your not an att. are you?

 

No, law school will have nothing to do with me.

Something about wanting to kill every one in the place.

 

AHH so you went to work for the post office instead.

 

I was too well armed to work at the post office, not to mention too accurate with my weapon fire.

 

This is sounding like a riddle, so the hog thing is a metaphor?

 

Dog Magnet

 

Bird Bath

 

Doctor bill

 

Filled my tank yesterday

 

sperm bank

 

LOL, not a good decision.

 

I'm getting tapped out, down to the lame or inappropriate.

 

Sperm

 

HMO's