Jokes

I know, I know but it still cracks me up.

 

End of the rainbow

 

LMAO@mankind

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."

 

to quote myself:

Heisenberg was driving his car on the autobahn...a traffic policeman stopped him and said: 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg said: 'No, but I know where I am.'

my advice is: NEVER TAKE MY ADVICE

there is nothing wrong with my computer cuz i have been using MG for five years...there is something wrong with my awareness, cuz i never realized i could use this forum until today...

if i understood what i know, i would be a genius...
if you understood what i know, i would be a guru...
if everyone understood what i know, i would be a god...
since no one understands it, i am just a confused old man...

 

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"

 

A young monk joined a monastery and took a vow of silence.
He would be allowed to say a couple words after five years had past.

When the time arrived that he could speak the Senior monk asked him what he had to say.

Bed hard, he replied.
We'll fix that for you answered the Senior monk.

Five more years past and he was allowed to speak once again.
Food cold, was his comment.

We'll see about that for you answered the Senior monk.

After another five years past this time his comment was, I want out.

The Senior Monk said, "it doesn't surprise me, all you've done is complain since you arriver here.

 

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7) The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8) New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9) The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10) Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11) GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12) Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13) You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

 

that is funny, sound pretty accurate also.

 

Thought for the day
Smile Often

 

Two ladies talking in heaven:

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both
still be alive.

 

Saw that one coming a mile away darlene

 

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that
this
donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a
preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal
to
try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!"
shouted the
man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very
proud
of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed
towards
a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just
began
to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the
cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord.
Please
make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In
Jesus
name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the
cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.

 

A few Yo mamas to mix things up,these are the only ones I feel are worthy,see if you agree

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/jokes/yomama.html

Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".

Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on the milk truck.

Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on the water.

Yo mama's so fat, when your dad climbs on top of her, his ears pop.

Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds.

Yo mama's so fat, the bitch jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.

 

DP oops

 

yep, funny stuff Rikky

 

Computers are nasty

 

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home he walks past a taylor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit he walks in where a man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would skwish your testicles against your spine and you'de get a headache".

 

Bummer

 

this one just came in

A redeeming skin graft.....

************************
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day when he was alone with his wife, he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind -
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

 

SIGNS

Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC


If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC


Fighting for peace is likescrewing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO


No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC


At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ


It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ


Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT


If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.


If pro is opposite of con,then what is the
opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington, DC


Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ


You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA


No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA


A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

 

This one is a bit dirty but still very, very funny.

Susan comes home from school one day. "Mommy, mommy I know where babies come from."
The mother a bit amused decided to hear the latest story. "Tell me Susan."
"Well," begins Susan "the guy has this thing, right and it sort of stands up when he gets excited and then the lady puts it in her mouth and after a while it sort of explodes. AND THATS HOW YOU GET BABIES" Susan finished proudly.
The mother laughts and answers.
"No my darling that's not how you get babies, Thats how you get JEWELRY"

 

Re: Jokes/ trick to play

this is fun! at work or home , switch the 'n' and 'm' keys on the keybord, take a butter knife or simular and pop them out, they come out eusly enough, its a really good one on people with good typing skills lol

 

Re: Jokes/ trick to play

Won't your parents get upset with you??

 

darlene1029 lol iam the apparent parent of this house hold!! thats the fun part.

 

An Indian was sitting with a Pakistani and an American in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police
entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but
they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.



But, as it was their National Holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be
released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing
for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's
birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before
your whipping."


So the American guy thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a
thick pillow to my back."
This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
through.

The Pakistani guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on
my back".
But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went
through again.

Before the Indian fellow could say something, the Sheikh turned to him
and said: "As you are from a very poor and small country, and your
cricket team is terrible, you can have two wishes!".

"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Indian replies.
"My first wish is: " I would like to have 40 lashes."

"If you so desire", the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his
face, "and your second wish?"

"Tie the Pakistani to my back", the Indian answered.

 

An old woman was enjoying her 100th birthday party with her entire family, and was sitting at the head of a rather long table. About halfway through the dinner, Grannie starts to slowly lean to her left side. Quickly her son gets up from his seat and stuffs a pillow by her side to keep her from falling over. Minutes later, Grannie leans over again, but to her right. Up comes her son again, stuffing another pillow in the other side of the seat. Pretty soon Grannie starts to lean forward. Sure enough, sonny-boy to the rescue; he ties a belt around her and the seat to hold her in place. Then her great grand-daughter walks up to her and says, "Grammie, what's wrong? Aren't you having fun at your party??" The grandma leans as much as she can towards the little girl and says..."they won't let me fart!!"

P.S. Thought for the day - Remember never hold your farts in,They travel up your spine into your brain,and that's where sh*tty ideas come from!!!!!!

 

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

 

If Abbott and Costello were still around today their famous sketch
"Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this....


Costello tells Abbott to purchase a computer . . .

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER ..………….
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

 

Different strokes for different folks

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle, and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super".

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle, "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so that the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

The woman passenger calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess, I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you, Tray up B!TCH!".

 

Little Johnny - sums it up.......!!!!




A new teacher was trying to make use of her recent psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"



Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"



The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"



Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"



Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.

 

Do you know why they ask whether you want "paper or plastic" at the checkout?

Because baggers can't be choosers.

 

THE OLDER WE GET!!!
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis ."

 

The Math of Life

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A BC DE F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z =
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
Bullshi+ and @ss kissing that will put you over the top.

 

ROFLMAO...thanks Mankind...that was the laugh I needed to kick-start today

 

Ditto Mankind we miss your humour, wonder were our Darlene is lately, hope she hasn't run out of funnies

 

The Bus Ride

A blonde, a red head and a brunette sign up with a tourist group and chartered a double-decker bus to go to London. There are only 2 seats left on the bottom of the bus and only 1 seat in the top of the bus available when they board. They decided to take turns riding in the top and flipped a coin to see who got the first turn. The blonde won the toss.

A couple of hours later it's the red heads turn so she walks up the stairs, and sees the blonde sitting there scared half to death. She's clutching the seat in front of her so hard that her knuckles are white.

"What's goin' on?" the red head asks. "We're havin' a grand old time down below."

The blonde replies, "Yeah, but you've got a driver."

 

Three Stages Of A Mans Life


Single






Married






Divorced

 

The World According to George Carlin




ONLY IN AMERICA:


Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America .......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America .......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.



EVER WONDER ....


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?



Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

 

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

( You're gonna love this..... )









She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

 

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,"Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
***************

 

An Irish Confession

Patrick's Catholic Church. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another Irish man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead woman enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

 

Naming The Dog

 

can't get my picture up sorry I'll try again
can't do it

 

Naming The Dog

 

Naming the dog

 

hardly worth the trouble, was it? LOL

 

Pretty funny huh, came via email today

 

Love it, stole it,

 

Senior Citizens
Are The Nation's Leading Carriers Of Aids!


Hearing Aids

Band Aids

Roll Aids

Walking Aids

Medical Aids

Government Aids

Most Of All,
Monetary Aid To Their Kids!