Jokes

I consider myself a major carrier having, or had, 4 children, 9 grandchildren

 

Have too

 

. . . Well by golly, if you aren't a major carrier then they don't exist! lol

Thanks for the jokes!

 

Need a job?

 

ok..so you changed it and now I have to edit my post......

 

Subject: dumbest blonde ever.....



A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have...

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."

"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yes," said! The blonde, "I'll go home and get it."


She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."


Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container .


"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

 

Hey, not fair.....thats my line to the wife!!

 

The rest was, hardly worth the trouble was it?LOL

 

Hey it just goes to show yea Tim, that even here on MG there can be false Ads

 

Know really the joke was finding someone to respond
Whoo will you look at the veiw count gone over 7,000, hey better watchout MG Shirts "Old Jokes" is catching up

 

What have I missed, been in the medical section.

 

Italian Bread


Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on

their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old
had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his
friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have
so much energy.


The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Italian bread
every day. It keeps your energy level high and
you'll have great stamina with the ladies."


So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the
bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if
he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any
Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would
you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think
by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the
world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

 

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"

 

Milk of Amnesia

 

Ode to cranky men
(Tim comes to mind although he is only one)

I chanced to pass a window

While walking through a mall

With nothing much upon my mind,

Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window

A cranky-faced old man,

And why he looked so cranky

I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way

Was more than I could see

Until I came to realize

That cranky man was ME!

 

Of course yu'all will note that I am the good looking one

 

Think Security will notice?

 

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra.
Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone !!!!!!!!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazz zz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.



.

 

Keep in mind you brought the (O) word, not me.

Older Couple -

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."

 

HAHA....love it...am thinking of suggesting this at my place. "Atmosphere can be cut with a knife" kinda week

 

Hey Darlene I didn't see you there at the restaurant, wife got a hoot out of that one, is enlarging and printing it as I type, gosh only knows what she is going to do with it then!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dang fingers are to slow lev got there first, can't complain though she gave me COOKIES yesterday

 

Dear Dr. Phil -


When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime -- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she never liked fishing.

One day at the Bait & Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam (the shop owner) who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became regular fishing buddies.

Now, as I've already told you, my wife doesn't care about fishing and not only refuses to join us, but continually complains that I spend too much time fishing with Sam.


Well, a few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, but, a few minutes later Sam caught what must have been his twin brother!

So, I took a picture of Sam holding up the two great prizes we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested. Instead she threw a fit and said she doesn't want me to go ever go fishing again! She demanded that I sell the boat and find another hobby!

I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?

Thanks -


P.S Here is a picture of Sam with the pair of bass that we caught!!




Dear Fisherman,

By all means, keep your hobby and get rid of that narrow minded wife. That's a nice pair of bass!! -- Dr. Phil --

 

Sorry forgot the picture

 

that fine coloring job is my handy-work, the suit was somewhat opaque

 

Dang I hate it when you give little kids crayons, and then muck up great ART work

 

well, I didn't want to be banned forever from Geekdom.

 

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the interstate. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and
asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists down the road have kidnapped George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. They're asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"Most people are giving about a gallon

 

Edge Designs is a company run by all women; they design office interiors.

They recently had an opportunity to do a project in NYC where the client

offered the women of this company a "free hand" in all design aspects.

The client was also a company that was run by all female execs.

The result...well...we all know that men never talk, never look at each other

and never laugh much in the restroom. The men's room is a serious and quiet place.

But now, with the addition of one mural on the wall, let's just say this men's

restroom is a place of smiles and laughter!

 

I don't think I could "go" . . .

 

very cool Darlene!!
abri

 

Thanks, thought it was cute, poors guys.

 

I wouldn't want to be the janitor responsible for THAT restroom.......

 

These were just sent to me. There is a third one that sent tears rolling down my face with laughter, but it is a bit "naughty", so I didn't want to post it in a family forum. Msg me if you think you are old enough to read it

 

Oouch, She must be called a C.I.A.B.

 

So, she got the job, right?

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one...
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was ! about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank
manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By
my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his
presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic Monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been In place for only eight
years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me
to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be Aware
that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such
an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require
your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs
to
Eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the

Mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.


In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled
it on the number of button presses Required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest
form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When
you call me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer. (a password to access my computer is
required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized
Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
Duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
Establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

 

Gotta love us "old cantankerous farts" we always tell it like it is, go granny go

 

good one

 

Air Force One Crashes
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

 

Our Tim's Answering Machine

Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

 

Smile at least once a day