Let's have some good laughs

Jeff Dunham Spark of Insanity 2007

This guy is so freaking funny i watched this show last night on CC made me laugh like hell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdRh4qICD7g

Very few things make me laugh but he did.If you want to skip about 20mins of show but its pretty funny at the start.

 

A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.

 

Ouch - haven't heard that one for about 40 years.

 

This one is pretty funny.
Jeff Dunham Arguing With Walter:-D



"What do you want to do?" -Dunham
"I want to be a walmart greeter."- Walter
"What would be your opening line?"
"Welcome to Walmart get your shit and get the hell out. Have a good day!"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zcnoh3oJJKs

 

Warning Post 4 video has strong language.

 

Aircraft shot down in Syria, pilot captured-graphic.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=767_1381165163

 

Rikky, you killed Dumbo... Not cool. :-D:-D

 

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairygodmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter, Peter something or other..."

:-D

 

@the mekanic roflmao roflmao roflmao roflmao
Love it :-D LOL

 

Tell me about it!...


http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g309/Zobor/skeletondrink3.gif

 

Old couple sat on the porch
She grabs a walking stick and smacks her husband on the legs,
Husband - What’s that for?
Wife - 50 years of lousy sex.
Husband - grabs the stick and smacks her legs
Wife - What’s that for.
Husband - Knowing the bloody difference

 

What's the difference between a flea and a coyote?
One howls on the prairie and one prowls on the hairy.

What did one wall say to the other wall?
Let's meet up in the corner.

How come seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they live by the bay, they'd be bagels!

Why do cows wear bells?
Cause their horns don't work.

 

20 for me

 

Guy's looking for a milk bath for his wife. Salesperson says "Do you want it pasteurized?"

Guy says "No - just passed her a$$ is good."

:rasberry

 

Okay, I SWEAR this is from memory:


There's this young businessman who has had an extended trip.

He boards a crowded train, and looks for some respite. It's rush hour, the train is packed, and the only seat he sees that might be available is occupied by a poodle.

He asks the woman next to the poodle if she would hold the dog in her lap, because he is simply exhausted from the negotiations he recently oversaw.

The woman replies, "No. Fifi is like my child. Fifi stays with me."

Aggravated, the gentleman decides to finish the walk to the caboose.

After finding nothing except a packed train, he approaches the woman and her dog, and repeats his request. The woman again declines, so our gentleman decides to walk to the tender, and back. Third time's the charm, right?

So, after finding no vacancy on the train, the young businessman approaches the woman and her poodle for the third time.

He states, "Ma'am, I'm exhausted. I've been on a long, even extended business trip, and I really need to rest."

The woman replies, "No. Fifi is my child. Fifi stays with me. I paid for Fifi's seat."

The businessman's pupils go all "Elmer Fudd", he opens the train window, picks up the poodle, and hurls it out the window.

The woman is aghast, jaw to the floor as she sees her precious "Fifi" spirited to the wind.

Across the aisle, there sits an Englishman observing the situation. He puts down his tea, folds his newspaper, and says:

"You Americans are so petty. You eat with the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road; and you Sir, have just thrown the wrong bitch from this train..."

 

What, the crazy Brits eat left handed?

Hmm, I Googled this, seems I eat European style when eating anything that needs cutting. Never understood that cutting the meat, and swapping hands to put it in your mouth. I am not ambidextrous, but can handle a fork left handed. :-D

 

Only the royal family and Brits from the 19th century:-D

I just open wide and tip the plate into my mouth like a dump truck.

Then immediately shart.!

 

Sniffs, how uncivilized...

:-D:-D

 

It's Americans that do that. European-style (at least Scandinavia), the fork stays in your left hand as you spear the meat and eat it.

They used to catch American spies that way in WWII... they watched how they handled knife and fork, and that was it. Amateurish of the ones sending in the spies.

 

What do call a line of rabbits marching backwards?

.

A receding hareline.

.

Sorry - couldn't resist.

.

:wine

 

On a lighter note:
.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mghH7AbwSqI
.
roflmao

 

Forgot to mention- The woman paid for the seat so it's hers to do as she pleases that's the beauty of consumerism.:cool The train conductor shouldn't have let the man on the train if it was over filled so his gripe should have been with him so she's far from a Beyach.

Not to mention he's just thrown the lady's dog from the train and now he's gonna sit next to her for the entirety of the journey:confused

I'm sorry Mekanic the joke lacks logical integrity:-D

 

Three men walked into a bar.


The forth man was too short.

 

And now we've taken the joke far too seriously... :-D

 

And now for something dirty!


Three ducks walk into a bar. The first duck goes up to the bar and sits down. The bartender says, "Huh. We usually don't serve ducks in here, but whatever. Business is slow today. What would you like to drink?" The first duck says, "I'd like a Miller Lite. My name's Huey, by the way."

After the bartender serves the first duck, he asks, "How's your day been, man?" Huey says, "Well, I've had an amazing day. I've been in and out of puddles all day long. I couldn't be happier." The second duck walks up to the bar and orders a Bud Light. The bartender asks the same questions and the duck says, "My name's Dewey. I've had an awesome day. In and out of puddles. I can't complain."

So, the third duck walks up to the bar. The bartender says, "So you must be Louie." The duck says, "Nope, my name's Puddles. Get me a Jack Daniels on the rocks, and don't ask me how my :*** day was."

 

I don't get it. Ducks can't talk.




:-D:-D

 

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet.":-D

 

Not bad. Keep um coming with more jokes.

Mongooseba:-D